- Do you ever feel like you're walking through life,
and you aren't really choosing your goals,
or direction or who you wanna become?
You're just reacting to whatever happens and you hate it
but you don't know how to change or be different?
Have you ever been hurt, triggered,
or angry from an interaction with a friend or loved one,
where you did not show up as the best version of yourself?
You might have lashed out in anger, frozen,
or ran away from the conflict, and you do this every time.
You always respond that way, whatever that way is
and you don't like it.
You know it isn't serving you,
but it's like a pre-programmed behavior setting,
you just can't help it.
In that moment, your behavior habits kick in and boom
you've done what you've always done
even if it isn't what you want.
Viktor Frankl in his timeless book,
"Man's Search for Meaning" says,
between stimulus and response, there is space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and freedom.
Wow, there is so much power in those few sentences.
Okay, if you're not familiar with the book
"Man's Search for Meaning",
Viktor Frankl is a psychiatrist, psychologist
something like that.
And he lived during World War II,
and he and his family was rounded up and he was put
into a concentration camp.
And his family was shot in front of him,
but he wasn't killed
because of his language and other skills, they were like,
"We need to keep him alive.
He's going to help us."
And in that moment, Viktor realized that he had a choice.
He had a choice to become angry and bitter
and let the horrors that were going on around him
eat him up inside,
or he had the choice to choose to be who he wanted to.
And "Man's Search for Meaning" is his story
and what he learned from that horrific experience.
Now, this is not something that almost any of us
can relate to, but we can relate to hard experiences,
and we can relate to injustice, and we can be inspired
by his amazing example of choosing to be the best version
of himself despite of whatever is going on around him.
The question for us is how do we get
to a beautiful place of space and response,
instead of constantly being in the misery of reacting?
I'd like to share just one experience
of what this has looked like for me.
So my go to emotion in life is anger.
Like I'm so good at it, it's not even funny.
And if any of you guys know Jonathan
from his many, many YouTube videos,
that is not his go to emotion.
That is not the way he shows up.
He shows up with love and kindness and acceptance,
and he is so easy going.
But wouldn't you know it?
There are stressors in life, especially when you get married
and you start having a kid every other year
and you start a business and you write a book.
I mean, it's just a wonderful mixture
and creation for growth and hard experiences,
and people losing their tempers,
which I did all the time because I'm so good at it.
So we would have conflict,
and the reality is everybody has conflict.
But in those moments of conflict
my go-to emotion was always frustration and anger,
and I recognized my personality type can tend to
be a bit explosive, and then once I explode
I calm down and I'm fine.
And wouldn't you know it?
That is not the way that I wanted to show up
in moments of conflict with my spouse
who was so kind and loving and understanding.
I didn't want to chew him up and spit him out,
and then pretend like everything was okay
just because I was no longer frustrated.
And despite my awareness of the dynamics
every single time that I told myself
that I was gonna show up and be a better person
and do something different, my behavior patterns
and habits kicked in and it took time and conscious effort.
And my intention was I wanted to just be grateful.
I wanted to be grateful regardless of whether or not
he cleaned the kitchen
the way I wanted him to clean the kitchen,
or he took care of the kids the way I thought
the kids should be taken care of,
or whether or not he put things back away
in the right place, right?
Like these are such small things
but they add up and we get frustrated
and we get upset and we feel overwhelmed.
And how do we handle those moments of frustration
and upset and overwhelmed?
It was a real pain point for me, and I was aware of it,
but it was such a challenge to change my behavior.
So that's what it looks like for me.
Each personality type has their own go-to emotion.
For dreamers, it's usually to hide and avoid.
For healers, it's to freeze or fawn.
For closers, it's to get angry or to fight.
And I'm so good at that.
For thinkers, they can be condescending through logic
and just think things or people are stupid
if they see things differently than someone else.
I'm also really good at that one.
I bring this up to create awareness around the fact
that we all relate to the world differently.
We all have the things in which we value.
They are often our strengths.
And on the flip side of those strengths
there are also weaknesses,
and there is nothing wrong with that.
Though we often are pretty harsh internal critics
regarding what we see as our failings avoidables,
instead of hiding behind our insecurities
sweeping our vulnerabilities under the rug
and hiding our fears in the closet,
what if we chose a journey of self-compassion
and understanding instead?
Starting with self-compassion and kindness allows us
to take the next steps of growth, which is awareness.
Self-compassion, followed by awareness allows us to openly
and vulnerably explore why we do what we do
and ask ourselves the powerful question
with love instead of judgment, why do I, fill in the blank,
and is it serving me?
Why do I lose my temper at my husband and is it serving me?
If the answer to, is it serving me is yes,
awesome, keep doing it.
You live your best life.
But if the answer is no, this isn't serving me,
this isn't who I want to be,
this isn't what I want to create in my life,
what do you do then?
You continue to practice a dance
with self-compassion and awareness.
The first step to all growth is always compassion.
There is no change without first acceptance,
and there is not acceptance without compassion.
Compassion is what allows us
to journey into the murky waters
of our own experiences and shine the light of awareness
without running away in fear and judgment.
So what is awareness?
It is to be watchful, vigilant, guarded, and even cautious.
Awareness is a key to answering our why.
Why do I do what I do?
Why do I show up that way?
What beliefs are feeding into that perception?
There is a saying, "We don't see things as they are,
we see things as we are."
Increasing our awareness helps us bridge that gap
between our perception, other's perception,
and what the truth actually is.
Awareness takes us from a place of being justified or hiding
or passive to being able to ask, is this serving me?
And if not, what do I want to do differently?
Ruben Lowe said,
"Self-awareness is an act of self-kindness."
It truly is when done with compassion and understanding.
Thich Nhat Hanh, I have no idea if I said that right
but I love his books and what he says.
He's a Vietnamese Buddhist monk who is known
as the father of mindfulness.
He said, "Awareness is like the sun,
when it shines on things they are transformed."
The light of awareness is a beautiful tool
in the journey of becoming the best version of ourselves.
Just like in any journey of growth
there can be stumbling blocks, often in becoming aware
it brings up the memory of painful experiences,
and our gut response is to push painful experiences away.
I think a painful experiences as the adult equivalent
of monsters in the closet or under our bed.
It is those things that make us feel the most
vulnerable or insecure.
We don't know what to do
with that vulnerability or insecurity.
So we keep it hidden, buried, and in the closet,
but we still know it's there.
Our insecurities haunt us,
and every time we experience a trigger,
those skeletons of insecurities are ready
to jump out of the closet at any moment
and remind us of our deepest fears.
If any part of that rings true for you, check out our video.
Why Do We Push Painful Experiences Away?
And will you do me a favor?
If this video has been powerful for you,
will you share it with a friend or loved one
that you know could use the support?
I appreciate you and as always, remember to keep shining.
We need your light.
(upbear music)