Hi, I'm Kristen Bell, mother of two human children.
I think a lot can be learned from the animal kingdom.
Firstly, that it should be called the animal queendom.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I mean, those male animals aren't
pushing babies out of their furry hoo-has, are they?
[HIP-HOP MUSIC]
(RAPPING) To all you moms out there--
Yeah!
You're doing it right.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I'm here with Danielle at the Wildlife Learning Center
and we're going to do this Dr. Dolittle-style.
Will you show me some animals?
I will.
This is an American alligator named Chompers.
Do alligators make good parents?
They do.
So the moms are very fierce mothers.
So once they hatch out, these guys will protect them.
They will actually keep them in their mouths
when they are endangered.
Fiercely protective?
Yes.
Always watching?
Yes.
Like a helicopter mom.
I'll put you in my mouth.
[LAUGHS]
This one's cross-eyed just like me.
This is Sid.
He is a milk snake.
Do you know how a snake gives birth?
They have something called a cloaca.
That is everything wrapped into one.
Where they go to the bathroom from,
where they give birth from, where they poop from.
So everything.
Ins and outs.
Yes.
I suppose it's efficient, but how does it all happen?
They have something called hemipenes.
So they basically have two penises.
What?
Yes.
I'm not that good at math, but what
you're telling me is she has one hole, he has two penises.
They both go in one.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Basically, a male will approach a female and kind
of touch the back of its head, make sure that she's into it.
#ConsentIsSexy.
When she is ready, she will lift up her tail.
And he will basically come from behind,
hemipenes will come out.
It can take less than an hour, sometimes up to 24 hours.
Holy [BLEEP]!
Which animals in the animal queendom
like to get in on the most?
That would be tortoises.
[MUSIC - THE POINTER SISTERS, "SLOW HAND"]
I want a man with a slow hand.
I want a lover with an easy touch.
Just wanted to set the mood.
Have at it.
When it comes to love, I want a slow hand.
I'm never in the mood after I eat, either.
[VOCALIZING]
[WHOOSH]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
You in the mood for a scratch?
God, they're so pretty.
I've seen videos of giraffes being born
and they just fall out and start walking around.
Like, imagine if human babies did that.
You just delivered at the hospital
and then your kids just like, see ya!
[LAUGHTER]
Guys, he wants to be a camera operator.
It's, like, the most obvious thing.
Lookit.
She has a whole bucket over there.
This is a three-banded armadillo.
And he's walking on pointe shoes.
They almost tiptoe around.
So I'll try and show you.
So that is his penis right in there.
[FANFARE]
Hah!
I know size doesn't matter, but you are impressive.
One of the reasons why it's a little bit bigger
is because to navigate around shells.
But they will stay like this and go stomach to stomach.
It's more intimate that way.
This is Rosie and Malala and they
are our ring-tailed lemurs.
Lemur!
I barely know her!
[BA-DUM-TSS]
Are they both girls?
Both girls.
And so the females are dominant.
Smart girls.
Bet you break through that glass ceiling.
Do you anything about how they raise their babies?
Yeah.
So these guys will take care of their young.
Very good moms.
They'll stay with their moms for about a year.
And the babies will ride on the backs.
This is Betty.
So prickly.
This is how I feel five to seven days a month.
Hi, Betty.
Betty!
Betty.
You stink.
These guys will pee on themselves and each other.
That checks out.
And smelly is good for them.
[FOGHORN]
And a surprise for us, she actually
just had a baby a few days ago.
But he's about two days old right now.
Welcome to Earth.
And he's not going to bite you hard,
but you might be looking for milk.
Wow.
OK.
If you want.
And Betty it seems like a real cas mom.
She, when she has to nurse, she has him come over, nurses.
After that, doesn't really want much to do with him.
There's actually another porcupine
that might be pregnant.
We figured you might be able to help us out.
Absolutely.
We're prepping for an ultrasound.
This is Freddie.
Freddie.
Freddie's a girl?
Yes.
These guys have cloacas just like snakes.
So everything all in one.
Sure.
[SNIFFS]
Freddie.
And it's like, the pee pee smell, it's aged.
It's like fine wines.
It's dense and it's old.
Can I do this?
Yes.
Just go right along here.
It's going to be cold.
Right there.
You just found it.
Yep.
She just found the baby right there.
There's the heartbeat.
[GASPS]
Freddie!
Look at that healthy heart.
Freddie, you're pregnant!
There's the spine.
Yeah.
[GASPS]
Yes!
That's a big baby.
Yeah.
And how much weight do they gain?
Not that it matters.
Three pounds, plus.
Maybe.
Yeah.
Three pounds?
Freddie, I gained 47 pounds.
Any idea who the father is?
That is an excellent question.
Do tell.
Please do tell, Freddie.
Or don't.
Freddie, this is your life.
There are new rules and it's up to you.
Do you think they like me as much as I like them?
Maybe.
And they are good parents.
So the babies will actually--
I think he's posing.
We're posing for a picture.
Let me get out of the way.
[CAMERA CLICKS]
I think what people don't realize about sloths
is that they have T-rex teeth.
They're big, yes.
And they're sharp like a butcher knife.
Yes.
If they feel threatened, their arms
are actually incredibly long.
So they reach out, hook, and pull in to bite.
Yeah.
And after four or five minutes, if you haven't moved.
So a sloth robs a turtle and the turtle calls the police.
And the police say, can you give me
some details about the robbery?
And the turtle says, I can't, man.
I don't know.
It just-- it all happened so fast.
Because you're slow.
I loved today.
Animals and motherhood are my favorite combination.
I'm going to head home, cuddle up with my beautiful babies,
and be so very grateful that my husband doesn't
have two penises.
[MUSIC PLAYING]