( APPLAUSE )
EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND!
SAY HELLO TO STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK.
MY GOODNESS.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
>> YES, YES, YES UPON.
>> Stephen: LOUIS, LOUIS, IN JUST A MOMENT HERE, FROM
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," MICHAEL CHE IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE.
A VERY FUNNY YOUNG MAN.
( APPLAUSE )
ACTUALLY.
ALSO, BRIEFLY FROM "THE DAILY SHOW."
PEOPLE FORGET THAT.
AND FORMER SUPREME ALLIED COMMANDER OF NATO, ADMIRAL JAMES
STAVRIDIS IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN JUST A MOMENT.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW.
( APPLAUSE )
GUESTS.
I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST JOINING THE BAND TONIGHT.
PLEASE INTRODUCE YOUR FRIEND.
>> OH, MY GOSH, WE HAVE TRAY VON ON THE SAXOPHONE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
FOLKS, I LOVE SPACE.
FUN FACT: IT'S WHERE MY PLANET IS.
AND I ALSO LOVE TELLING YOU ALL ABOUT THE LATEST OFF-EARTH
DEVELOPMENTS IN MY LONG-RUNNING SEGMENT:
( ECHOING )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NEWS: BILLIONAIRES IN SPACE.
LAST MONTH, THIS GAGGLE OF BILLIONAIRES PAID TO GO TO THE
INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION.
BUT, APPARENTLY, THE BILLIONAIRES WEREN'T EXPECTING
TO WORK SO HARD ON THE I.S.S.
OH, THESE CLOWNS.
I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE BEEN THERE FOR THE MOMENT THAT DAWNED ON
THEM.
( AS BILLIONAIRE )
REQUESTED A NOISE-CANCELLING HELMET?
WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
HOSE OUT THE POOP TUBE?
THAT WAS NOT IN THE BROCHURE."
( LAUGHTER )
HAVE BILLIONAIRES WHO ARE SO BILLIONED UP THAT THEY OWN THEIR
OWN SPACE PROGRAMS, WHILE THESE GUYS HAD TO PAY $55 MILLION FOR
A SEAT ON A SHUTTLE.
SO NOW IT'S OFFICIAL: WE NOW HAVE SPACE COACH CLASS.
PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO THOUGHT, "I LOVE BEING IN A CROWDED CABIN
WITH NO LEGROOM, BUT I WISH WHEN I BARFED IT WOULD FLOAT AROUND
MY HEAD."
SO WHAT WAS THE SPECIFIC SPACE WORK THE BILLIONAIRES HAD TO DO?
IT WAS EXPERIMENTS ON HOLOPORTATION, HUMAN CELLS, AND
HIGH-PRECISION OPTICAL LENSES.
BUT BEING THAT IT WAS THEIR FIRST TIME IN SPACE, AND THAT
THEY ARE NEITHER PROFESSIONAL ASTRONAUTS NOR RESEARCHERS, SOME
OF THE EXPERIMENTS ENDED UP TAKING QUITE A LOT LONGER THAN
ANTICIPATED.
WELL, YEAH.
QUALIFICATIONS COME IN HANDY.
THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER GET IN THE DENTIST CHAIR AND HEAR,
"HI, I'LL BE EXTRACTING ONE OF THOSE BIG CHOMPY ONES TODAY, BUT
I'VE NEVER BEEN TO TOOTH SCHOOL, OR WHATEVER.
I PAID 20 GRAND TO PLAY WITH THE DRILL.
NOW, LET ME STAB YOUR MOUTH WITH THIS DRUG DART."
( LAUGHTER )
NASA'S CURIOSITY ROVER SPOTTED WHAT APPEARS TO BE A DOORWAY ON
MARS, AND HERE'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE:
AMAZING!
WAIT A SECOND.
JIMMY, CAN WE ZOOM IN ON THAT?
A VALPAK!
THEY'RE RELENTLESS!
NOW, THIS LOOKS VERY MYSTERIOUS AND EXCITING, BUT NASA WARNS
THAT THOUGH IT LOOKS LIKE THE ENTRANCE TO AN ALIEN TOMB,
MISSION SCIENTISTS SAY IT'S A NATURAL FEATURE.
COME ON.
DON'T JUST DISMISS IT OUT OF HAND.
AREN'T YOU EVEN A LITTLE TOMB-CURIOUS?
THIS MARS DOOR COULD BE THE FINAL RESTING PLACE OF THE
CAREERS OF WHOEVER MADE JOHN CARTER.
( LAUGHTER )
OF JOHN CARTER.
REALLY?
YOU ALL ARE IN THIS THEATER TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER )
( ECHO )
( LAUGHTER )
TO GET NEW MEANING, BECAUSE SCIENTISTS SAY WE REALLY HAVE TO
TALK ABOUT BONING IN SPACE.
( LAUGHTER )
HEAR YOU SCREAM...
IF YOU'RE DOIN' IT RIGHT.
( LAUGHTER )
BE EMBRACING SPACE SEXOLOGY AS A NEW DISCIPLINE OF STUDY, BECAUSE
IF WE EVER WANT TO BECOME INTERPLANETARY, WE SHOULD KNOW
HOW TO BOINK IN MICROGRAVITY, OR IF IT'S EVEN POSSIBLE.
BECAUSE HAVING SEX IN MICROGRAVITY IS HARD--
ESPECIALLY FINDING THE ZERO-G SPOT.
( LAUGHTER )
NEWS PRETTY HARD TONIGHT.
NEXT UP: SPACE SHOPPING.
A NEW COMPANY NAMED "INVERSION" IS BUILDING EARTH-ORBITING
CAPSULES TO DELIVER GOODS ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD FROM OUTER
SPACE, AND HERE'S A PROTOTYPE OF SAID CAPSULE.
AMAZING!
THAT'S THE KIND OF HIGHLY ADVANCED DELIVERY TECHNOLOGY
USUALLY RESERVED FOR ROOM SERVICE CHICKEN FINGERS.
AND THERE COULD BE A MEDICAL APPLICATIONS.
THE COMPANY'S FOUNDERS IMAGINE THE CAPSULES COULD STORE
ARTIFICIAL ORGANS THAT ARE DELIVERED TO AN OPERATING ROOM
WHICH SOUNDS GREAT, UNTIL YOU LEARN THAT CAPSULE WOULD DEPLOY
A PARACHUTE AND LAND WITHIN A RADIUS OF TENS OF MILES FROM ITS
TARGET LOCATION.
( AS NURSE )
( AS DOCTOR )
HEART JUST TOUCHED DOWN WITHIN TENS OF MILES.
HELP ME DRAG THIS GUY INTO AN UBER."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MICHAEL CHE.
♪ ♪ ♪