>> FOR THE PAST WEEK HERE OR SO, WE AT THE SHOW HAVE BEEN
FOLLOWING THE CUSTODY TRIAL OF RIGHT-WING RADIO HOST AND HERNIA
WHO WISHED HE WAS A REAL BOY, ALEX JONES.
IN COURT, HIS EX-WIFE HAS CLAIMED ALEX IS UNHINGED, AND
SHE'S BACKED IT UP WITH CLIPS LIKE THIS.
>> I CAN SMELL YOU FROM A THOUSAND MILES AWAY, AND YOU
SMELL LIKE FAILURE.
YOU SMELL LIKE HELL.
AND I WANT TO THANK THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE THAT I'M NOT WITH
THESE PEOPLE!
OH, I GET TEARS IN MY EYES TO GOD, BUT I'M THANKFUL EVERY DAY,
I DON'T COME FROM FILTH LIKE YOU HUMANITY!
THANK GOD I'M NOT A DEGENERATE FILTHY VAMPIRE LIKE YOU!
>> Stephen: ADDING, "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, HONEY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
>> Stephen: HERE'S THE DEAL.
ALEX JONES' LAWYERS HAVE INSISTED THAT HIS ON-MIC
PERSONA IS JUST A CHARACTER, THAT, EVIDENTLY, HE'S BEEN
PLAYING SINCE HE WAS A TEENAGER.
>> WHEN I WAS 16, I DIDN'T WANT TO PARTY ANY MORE.
I DIDN'T WANT TO PLAY GAMES ANY MORE.
I GREW UP.
I'D ALREADY BEEN IN THE FIGHTS, ALL THE BIG RITUALS.
I'D ALREADY HAD PROBABLY-- I HATE TO BRAG, SO I'M NOT
BRAGGING.
IT'S ACTUALLY SHAMEFUL-- PROBABLY 150 WOMEN, OR MORE.
THAT'S CONSERVATIVE.
I'D HAD OVER 150 WOMEN.
I'D ALREADY BEEN IN FIGHTS WITH FULL-GROWN MEN.
I WAS ALREADY DATING COLLEGE GIRLS BY THE TIME I WAS 15-YEARS
OLD.
I WAS ALREADY A MAN.
>> Stephen: YEP, YEP.
FIGHT AND HAVE SEX.
THAT'S WHAT MEN DO.
ONE THING WE EVIDENTLY DO DON'T?
TAKE OUR MOOD STABILIZERS.
UNFORTUNATELY, UNFORTUNATELY, ALEX JONES' BRAND
OF FACT-FREE TRUTH TELLING HAS BEEN MAKING HIM SOME ENEMIES,
LIKE THE POWERFUL CABAL KNOWN AS CHOBANI YOGURT, WHO IS SUING
JONES FOR CLAIMING THAT THEIR TWIN FALLS, IDAHO, YOGURT PLANT
HAS BEEN SPREADING CRIME AND TUBERCULOSIS.
TO BE FAIR, "CRIME AND TUBERCULOSIS" IS ONE OF
CHOBANI'S LEAST-FAVORITE FLAVORS.
( LAUGHTER ) STILL-- STILL--
STILL BETTER THAN POMEGRANATE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THIS MIGHT SHOCK YOU, BUT
ALEX JONES IS FURIOUS, AND HE HAS A MESSAGE FOR CHOBANI.
>> GUESS WHAT?
YOU JUST RAN INTO A TEXAN!
SO YOU GET READY, 'CUZ WE'RE NEVER BACKING DOWN!
AND OUR AUDIENCE ISN'T BACKING DOWN.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, TAKE NOTE, ALEX JONES LISTENERS.
HE JUST VOLUNTEERED YOU FOR A FIST FIGHT A YOGURT FACTORY.
NOW, I UNDERSTAND WHAT ALEX JONES IS GOING THROUGH, BECAUSE
FOR YEARS-- I'M IS NOT TELLING YOU ANYTHING YOU DON'T KNOW--
I'VE ALSO BEEN PLAYING A RIGHT-WING RADIO HOST: MY
CHARACTER, TUCK BUCKFORD.
AND TUCK HE'S DEALT WITH A LOT OF THE SAME STUFF.
>> DON'T DO IT.
YOU CAN ONLY TRUST ONE OUT OF FIVE DENTISTS, OKAY, THE ONE WHO
HATES GUM IS THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS THE TRUTH, ALL RIGHT?
BUT BRAIN NATION, OLD TUCK'S NOT BACK DOWN.
YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE I'M MORE THAN A MAN'S MAN!
I'M A MAN'S MAN'S MAN!
OKAY.
I'M MAN CUBED.
I GOT TIRED OF GAMES BY THE TIME I WAS 13.
ALL RIGHT.
WOOO!
ALL RIGHT, WHEN I WAS 13, I HAD ALREADY HAD KISSING TIME WITH
22,000 LADIES, ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S WITH TONGUE.
AND I MADE LOVE TO A WOMAN OF EVERY HEIGHT, NOT METRIC.
THAT'S HOW YOU GET A VENEREAL DISEASE.
STICK TO THE IMPERIAL SCALE.
AND ALL THE WOMEN LOVE ME BECAUSE I KNEW HOW TO DRAW
SNOOPY.
ALL RIGHT.
NOSE THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND A VAMPIRE SNOOPY CONTROLLED BY GEORGE SOROS DRINKING THE
BLOOD OF CHARLIE BROWN, OKAY.
WHICH IS WHY THEY MAY TRY, BUT I FEEL SORRY FOR THEM!
I'M NOT GOING TO ROLL OVER FOR BIG YOGURT, THE ILLUMNA-CHOBANI,
WORKING TO UNDERMINE THE LIBERTY OF THE AMERICAN MANSCAPE.
THAT'S WHY I STICK TO PATRIOT BRANDS LIKE YOPLAIT, AND STONY
FIELD YOKID SQUEEZERS.
THEY'RE FORCING JAMIE LEE CURTIS TO POOP.
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO DO THAT.
POOPING IS A CHOICE.
AND I KNOW WOMEN, BECAUSE I REMIND YOU, I SLEPT WITH EVERY
WOMAN NAMED DEBORAH IN THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE.
GEORGE SOROS DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW THE REAL VALUE OF YOGURT,
OKAY.
THAT'S A NATURAL, PROTEIN HITCH GAMMA RAY SHIELD TO KEEP THE
CLINTON FOUNDATION FROM READING YOUR DREAMS.
YOU TAKE THIS, YOU TAKE THIS YOGURT.
IT CAN BE VANILLA.
IT CANNOT FRUIT FLAVORED, ALL RIGHT?
WHY IS THE FRUIT ON THE BOTTOM?
WHAT IS IT HIDING?
WHY IS IT DOWN THERE?
YOU TACK A PLAIN YOGURT, ALL RIGHT?
YOU TAKE THIS, YOU RUB IT RIGHT ON YOUR FOREHEAD RIGHT THERE.
NOW THEY CAN'T READ YOUR MIND!
YOU CAN'T GET IN HERE, JOHN PODESTA!
OKAY?
YOU CAN'T PUT YOGURT ON A PIZZA.
MY BRAIN IS A STEEL TRAP.
I CAN'T EVEN TELL WHAT I'M THINKING.
LOOK!
I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE I CAN'T EVEN READ
MY OWN BRAIN RIGHT NOW, ALL RIGHT!
AND THE THING IS, YOU WANT TO FULFILL THE VISION OF FOUNDING
FATHERFATHER SPUDS McKENZIE, NOT EVEN DEATH WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
VISITING BRAINFIGHT USTORE.COM, WHERE YOU CAN BUY SEVERAL BOOKS
I HAVE WRITTEN IN A FUGUE STATE, BECAUSE I AM A MAN, A MAN WHO
TAKES PAYPAL!
WHO HAS DEFINITELY HAD SEX IN A HOT TUB FILLED WITH YOGURT
BECAUSE THE NATURAL CULTURES ARE A NATURAL SPERMICIDE.
THEY FIGHT THE SPERM, ALL RIGHT!
MBUT MY SPERM WINS!
MY SPERM IS A DRAGON OF BABY MAKING!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BRAIN FIGHTS BROUGHT TO YOU BY SQUARE SPACE, NOT THE WEB
HOSTING COMPANY, IT'S A PORTABLE CUBE-SHAPED CAGE WITH I KEEP THE
ALIEN WHO INSISTS HE'S NIGH NEIGHBOR.
I'M NOT BUYING IT!
I HAVEN'T SEEN MY NEIGHBOR FOR YEARS!
OH, THEY'RE GETTING IN!
OH, THEY'RE TRYING TO GET IN!
DON'T LET YOUR GUARD DOWN!