-Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show"!
You're here. You made it.
Thank you for watching.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Let's get to some news.
Well, guys, today the U.S. intelligence agencies
finished their review on the origins of COVID-19.
Then, Americans said, "Hold that thought.
There's a new 'Spider-Man' trailer, y'all."
[ Laughter ]
That's right, after a version of the trailer leaked online,
Sony released the official teaser trailer
for "Spider-Man: No Way Home"
and it already has over 200 million views.
[ Murmuring ] Yeah, fans are going nuts.
People haven't been this excited
about a kid who lives with his aunt
since "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."
[ Laughter ]
In the trailer, Spider-Man visits Doctor Strange
and asks him to turn back time.
Then, President Biden shows up and asks for the same thing.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of new films, Netflix just announced
the release dates of 42 movies
that are hitting the platform by the end of this year.
[ Oohing ]
Even the Hallmark Channel was like,
"Maybe should just slow down a bit, you know?
[ Laughter ] Like quality over quantity," yeah.
Forty-two new movies.
When they heard that, Disney+ said, "Crap.
Get some Avengers in front of a greenscreen, now!"
[ Laughter ]
Netflix also announced all their holiday movies.
-Whoo! -Yeah, they were like, Okay, Starbucks,
we see your pumpkin spice latte in August
and raise you 'Single All the Way.'"
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, as I mentioned today,
the report on the origins of COVID was completed
and an unclassified version will soon be released to the public.
And, like everything with this pandemic,
I'm sure Americans will fully accept the truth
and it'll put all conspiracy theories to rest, finally.
[ Laughter and applause ] I knew it. I just know it.
It's really going to be great. -Yeah.
Case closed. -Yeah, the unclassified report
will come out in a few days,
or sooner, if Sony accidentally leaks it early.
[ Laughter ]
Some more COVID news -- I saw that Pfizer
is changing the name of their vaccine to Comirnaty.
[ Smattering of laughter ] Yeah, Comirnaty.
It's a combination of the terms
COVID-19, mRNA, community, and immunity.
[ Laughter ]
-Okay. -Sure.
[ Laughter ]
Let see how that's going for everyone.
-The vaccine has been known as the Pfizer vaccine
and will now be marketed as "Co-mihr-nah-tee."
-"Co-meer-natty."
-Comirnaty. -"Comir-notty."
[ Laughter ] -"Co-meer- Co-meer-notty."
-"Co- Comir-netty."
-"Corma-- Corminot.
Comirna-tee."
-"Cuh-mare-uh-tay."
Well, I guess we'll figure out
how they're going to pronounce that.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
One anchor was like, "Formerly known as the
'Puh-fizzer' vaccine."
[ Laughter ]
Listen, if they really wanted people to take it,
they should've just called it White Claw.
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's right, Pfizer announced that they're renaming
their vaccine Comirnaty,
which led to another interesting announcement.
Watch this.
-This year, Johnson & Johnson has been so proud
to offer its very own COVID-19 vaccine.
And today, we're even prouder to announce
its brand-new name...
[ Laughter ] That's right, the J&J vaccine
is now called the Pfizer vaccine.
Bye-bye, bad press.
Hello, rebrand.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ] -That's interesting.
That's a good name.
It's a great name for it.
[ Applause continues ]
Well, this is going viral --
the other day, Rudy Giuliani was spotted
in the Delta Lounge at JFK,
shaving. [ Laughter ]
This is real. Take a look at this.
[ Laughter ] He's at the table.
He's at the table, shaving.
[ Laughter ]
Then, Rudy left to do a press conference
at Four Seasons Total Manscaping.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, get this -- I saw that Oscar Meyer
is teaming up with Lyft to surprise rideshare passengers
with the Wienermobile.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, if there's one thing everyone loves,
it's a giant wiener-related surprise, don't you think?
[ Laughter ]
It's a fun idea, until you have a job interview
and the Wienermobile shows up.
[ Laughter ]
Finally, speaking of hot dogs, a new study suggests
that eating one hot dog takes 35 minutes off your life.
Americans heard that and we're like, "Yikes.
In that case, give me the double bacon cheeseburger."
Hey, guys, today's 8/24
and that's when we remember our friend Kobe Bryant.
He is missed and we wanted to give a quick plug
to his new book that was created by him.
It is out now. It is called "Legacy and the Double."
Go pick it up and get readin'. Yeah.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Guys, I know a lot of people find math boring.
Well, that's why we've updated math to make the equations
be about stuff that you can relate to.
It is time for "Popular Mathematics."
Here we go.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-♪ "Popular Mathematics" ♪
♪ Mathematics ♪
-Let's take a look at our first equation here.
If you take the end of a "Super Mario" level
plus the emergency room,
it equals the Milk Crate Challenge.
-Oh! Well...
I get it. Popular.
-Here's another one here.
Audio books minus a story
plus ads for MeUndies
equals podcast.
See?
If you take Olivia Rodrigo plus Olivia Rodrigo
plus Olivia Rodrigo plus Olivia Rodrigo,
it equals "déjà vu."
Yeah, you see...
Here's another one.
President Obama plus getting your nails done
plus the limbo
equals Barry Manilow.
You get it? -Yeah, Barry, man, low.
-So, if you take the White Sox...
-Sure. -...plus the Red Sox...
-Yeah.
-...plus a washing machine,
it equals the Pink Sox.
That's should be a team. -Every college kid.
-Yeah.
If you take Maroon 5 plus 21 Savage
plus Matchbox 20 minus 4 Non Blondes
minus One Direction,
it equals Sum 41.
-Nicely done.
-Here's another one.
Delta Air Lines plus the Delta variant
equals a canceled vacation.
-Oh.
-And, finally, if you take OnlyFans minus
the adult content,
it equals no fans. There you go.
That's all the time we have for "Popular Mathematics."