hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic I
remember it so you don't have to well
guys this is it
the big one the [ __ ] stopper the
constipation of American cinema a bowel
blockage from which nothing of any value
can possibly be removed what is said to
be one of the worst films of all time I
am of course talking about the
indescribable terror that is Joel
Schumacher's Batman and Robin
[Music]
we are talking about a movie that's so
bad that lawyers are actually making
reasonable arguments that their clients
crime may be horrible but at least they
didn't make Batman and Robin and in the
remotest parts of Southeast Asia it is
still considered the number one
preferred form of execution look I'll no
see talk it don't see it so as you can
tell I am NOT looking forward to
reviewing this stinker however before it
review it let's take a look at the
declining history of these Batman movies
the first Batman film was released in
1989 under the direction of then
newcomer Tim Burton it was edgy dark and
made just as much for adults as it was
for children in fact it was made more
for adults and continues to be the
highest-grossing Batman movie to date
the second film Batman Returns was also
very edgy and dark but maybe a little
too dark a lot of people didn't
gravitate towards the often disgusting
penguin or the exceptionally depressing
storyline while the first Batman ended
on a triumphant note Batman Returns
ending was more bittersweet and left a
lot of people feeling kind of empty
while still a big hit Batman Returns
wasn't the mega blockbuster Warner
Brothers was hoping for so Burton was
booted off the movie sequels and
replaced with another director enter
Joel Schumacher director of the 3rd
Batman film Batman Forever which was
definitely more kid-friendly bringing in
stars like Jim Carrey some bright flashy
colors and some really corny one whiners
it's the car right to Club the car it
wasn't good but it certainly wasn't
horrible it was the Batman film studios
always wanted safe and marketable and as
you would imagine it was a big hit so
logically Schumacher was called in to
direct the next one and seeing how this
is one of the worst films of all time
special precautions have been made today
to prevent me from killing myself for
example all sharp objects have been
removed from the building they took away
my ties they don't hang myself and oh
they also padded the edge of my glasses
so they don't jab them in the sides of
my throat but they didn't count on my
cyanide pills so let's take a look and
see just how bad Batman Robin really is
[Music]
this doesn't seem too bad they're just
suiting up there's the Batmobile the
music's nice maybe this won't be so
horrible after all I don't want a car
chicks dig the car this is why Superman
works alone so yeah if you're not a fan
of one-liners don't worry there's only a
167 billion more of them you lie so the
story centers around our main heroes
Batman played by George Clooney and
Robin played by Chris O'Donnell as they
plan to stop the evil mr. freeze from
you guessed it taking over the world of
course it opens with fries played by
Arnold Schwarzenegger robbing the Gotham
museum so our heroes suit up for battle
for the opening fight scene and yes
those costumes come complete with bat
nipples and bat asses all right you all
know what's coming now that we got that
joke out of the way let's continue mr.
freeze is stealing a diamond that
apparently powers his sub-zero suit
apart from that his only goal seems to
be making jokes about a subject matter
that unfortunately lends itself to live
insufferable puns and I'll give you four
guesses as to what that subject matter
is a celebrity gossip B political satire
C family dilemmas or D if your answer
was D no [ __ ] [ __ ] thanks for planing
so Batman comes busting in along with
his psychic Robin on his motorcycle it's
the fight scene rages we get an
onslaught of lame lines and over-the-top
stunts nice gesture you break it you buy
it in fact you may notice a similarity
to another familiar style can't quite
put your finger on it maybe this'll help
[Music]
that's right this Batman movie has
stopped moving forward with its dark
storyline and complex character
development and has instead going back
to the campy bright and colorful style
of the original Adam West TV show so as
the fight scene continues we see Batman
and Robin literally scape across the icy
floor playing hockey with a valuable
hunk of diamond do I even have to make
fun of this meanwhile freeze manages to
hook up a rocket that will launch him
into space what killed the dinosaurs
gee is it something having to do with
ice man works his way up the rocket
where the villain freezes into the wall
freeze
you're mad yes listen to the same man in
the bat suit I think not Robin comes to
rescue him as they surf their way down
to the ground off the doors of the
rocket the only thing that will make
this team lamer is a Robin actually
shouted cowabunga as if the scene
couldn't possibly be any longer Batman
and Robin chase freeze into another
building where Robin gets frozen by the
Raygun oh this is gonna be the end of me
show some mercy all right so after
freeze gets the Diamondback Batman stays
behind to thaw bug boy emotions make you
weak that's why this days mine I'll kill
you next time
why not kill him now I wish I knew as
you can tell a Schwarzenegger is easily
by far the worst actor in this movie
I've got some Wild Oats too soon until
this person came along and you are
poison ivy
ah yes poison ivy the woman who started
off as a nerdy environmental scientist
who works in the most cliched of evil
laboratories seriously this place is so
cliched all you need is a strike of
whitening on the building
she's shocked to find out that her boss
is turning people into Mexican wrestlers
to auction off to power-hungry dictators
finding out that his diabolical plans
revealed her boss takes it well I'm
afraid you'll have to die from all the
toxins and chemicals arises a flowery
femme fatale known as poison ivy who
kills people by giving them venom-filled
smooches talk about the kiss of death
why are all the gorgeous ones homicidal
maniacs by using her love of deadly
plants Poison Ivy's diabolical goal is
to you guessed it take over the world of
course meanwhile back at Wayne Manor
Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson get a visit
from an unlikely visitor
Alfred's niece Barbara come all the way
from Britain the new Computer Sciences
Division I'm sorry I just can't
understand you under that incredibly
thick British accent I don't know this
luxury really isn't my style
definitely Liverpool London is kind of
rough meanwhile we discovered that the
villainous mr. freeze actually has a
wife who has an incurable disease so he
keeps her frozen in the comfort and
hidden safety of a me on wit ice cream
pop he's in there Disney trying to hide
out in Disneyland I think don't you
think somebody would take a look it's
really ridiculous well trying to figure
out a cure for his beloved wife free
spends most of his time conducting an
orchestra of killer Eskimos to sing I'm
mister white Christmas I'm mr. snow
that's just stupid
meanwhile the Batman who used to hide
from the limelight and steal any hidden
photographs taken of him is not making
public appearances and a sexist auction
where men bid on good-looking women to
take out on a date while there they come
across the seductive poison ivy who
blows a hypnotizing perfume that makes
men bow to her every will and as you
sadly might have guessed Batman and
Robin actually start bidding on her
$1,000,000
two million three million four million
seven minutes
never leave the cave without it a bat
credit card they gave him a bat credit
card they had the balls to give one of
the greatest superheroes of all time a
bat credit card no no I apologize for
that outrage it was childish and
immature I just get a little peeved when
I see one of my childhood icons carrying
my childhood
okay I'm cool I'm fine I'm fine
so after Batman uses the you-know-what
Mr Freeze bust in and ruins the party
but through an exciting chase Batman
catches mr. freeze doing god-knows-what
to him under that cape and places him in
Arkham Asylum but Robin is angry because
he wanted to give mr. freeze could have
made that jump sometimes counting on
someone else is the only way you win in
fact most of Robins dialogue is just
bitching and moaning she loves me and
not use there's no partnership
I want to Robin signal on this guy
Batman and Robin not Robin in Batman you
could pretty much just replace his
dialogue with look I made a mistake I'm
sorry
meanwhile in Story number 12 we see that
Barbara gets out all her rage and
emotions by partaking in pointless
motorcycle chases after Dick Grayson
saves her from the world's worst
blue-screen effect
Barbara reveals a stunning secret about
Alfred I was hiding the pain all the
time Alfred sick Oh Alfred is sick
Alfred is sick I mean do we really have
to concern ourselves with the butler in
this movie I mean come on
how sick could he possibly be guy
awkward so Bruce and Dick decide to give
him a leave of absence due to reasons of
dying here Bruce and Alfred have a very
heartfelt talk he also reveals his
personal appreciation for Alfred but
maybe a little too much I love you
[Music]
it's real issues with women you know
that meanwhile poison ivy breaks freeze
out of prison and steals the sub-zero
soon by the way the real insert here is
kind of clever but freeze needs his
diamonds from his headquarters to keep
his suit active I'll help grab your
rocks hey ivy grease to pick them up
while also pulling the plug on friezes
wife leaving her to die I wish I was in
that jar you can say that again
the Caped Crusader's trying to stop her
but I turned against one another because
of their lust for IBM she wants to kill
you dick you watch a language I mean
escapes and leaves Batman and Robin to
fight over her what happened how'd that
get away how dare you didn't stop them
it's not like this is a job for the
police
how dare you did stop them as I be
returned she tells freeze that Batman
killed his wife so freeze vows to take
vengeance on society sheesh all that's
missing is for freeze to shadow first
Gotham then the world
[Music]
I hate this look at that that's so lame
this is idiotic
I really hate this this is so stupid I
wish I could kill myself
so while fries tries freezing the world
IV tries to seduce the dynamic duo and
here's something you never thought you'd
see in this movie a man kissing a woman
no Robin no you're just confused the
rubber lips sink ships as Batman and
Robin put their few behind them and are
ready to kick some green thumbs
meanwhile Barbara finds out with anyone
with a brain cell could that Bruce and
Dick are Batman and Robin and you gotta
love her expression when she finds it
out she finds the Batcave for a virtual
reality Alfred I know just go with it
tells her that he knew she would find
out who they were discovered the Batcave
and has even prepared a bat suit for her
to go out and fight crime
but well of course so Barbara helps her
colleagues by becoming the fearsome
Batgirl the only character in this movie
who should have bad nipples but doesn't
seem to have them I never thought I
can't fight between uma Thurman Alicia
Silverstone could be so boring so she
defeats poison ivy by knocking her into
our own man-eating plant I think the
only thing missing here is for poison
ivy to shout out curses go ahead say it
I dare you I double dare you
[ __ ] you know you want to you
know you want to do every cliche in the
book go ahead say it
[Music]
batshit crazy
tranquilizers always come prepared with
joel schumacher's involved hmm
so Batgirl saves the dynamic duel and
reveals her secret identity
Bruce it's me Barbara oh boy jump off
Barbara who would have guessed that math
just hides your face so well I find it
unlikely so the three of them set out to
stop freeze after having a change of
wardrobe apparently and plan to unfreeze
the city it's unlike you to reverse the
freezing process for five hours here but
it's morning in the Congo we could relay
the sunlight from the other side of the
Equator take the satellites about a
minute to realign satellites could be
positioned to follow the city directly
but they'll take a computer genius I'm
on it all right I'll set the telescope
all the mirrors oh thank god I don't
care so for a series of lame lines
ridiculous stunts and over-the-top
effects our heroes defeat Mr Freeze and
blow up his giant ray gun Wow just think
about how many starving children would
come state with the money you believe
the bank's talk about you cold shoulder
after that they melt all that nasty snow
covering Gotham down to your simple
basic rubber icicles but wait a minute
what about Alfred it's nice to like
death store well luckily freezes wife
has the exact same disease as Alfred and
having a change of heart gives Batman to
cure that he kept in his suit and he
didn't use this on his wife because so
as you can imagine they put fries in
jail get the cure to Alfred and they all
live happily ever after
but wait what to do about Barbara you
are going back to school I should never
go in this argument partners
partners so you see kids the moral of
the story is drop your studies forget
all about school dress up in tight
leather and live your life as a
superhero
why because Batman said it's okay I say
this is a horrible lesson for the kids
but I don't think it really matters
no kid ever saw this movie Batman was a
gigantic bat bomb that bomb that bomb
why because this film is so terrible so
horrific and so got awfully bad that
there's only one word that could
possibly sum it up you all know what
that word is I'll tell you it's super
crappy [ __ ] rific it's be Allah
[ __ ] I've been so bad that censors
really ought to go and pull it sadly
there's not many words that only run
with [ __ ] super crappy [ __ ] off
rhythmic XD I love [ __ ] uncle Julian
[ __ ] live because I didn't have a
[ __ ] alive here's a film that's so
awful I'd rather have a guy come
circumcise me with an axe and poke me in
the eye
I'd rather drink a giant bowl of a pet
monkeys food and there's another million
things that I would rather do this is
super cramp up [ __ ] rific XB allah
[ __ ] feel so bad the censors really
ought to go and pull it sadly there's
not many words that only run with
[ __ ] super crappy [ __ ] ripping
ichthyology
[Applause]
[Music]
no no it's it's awful
[Music]