Working with teens can be a real challenge. And that relationship between
parents and teens. How do you improve relationship with parents as a teenager?
You might want to share this one with your teen. You know, Vic, when I'm working
with families about this, the place that I always want to start is with an
understanding of parent psychology. -Parent psychology for the youth? -Yeah.
Wouldn't it be helpful? If you're a young person, think about it. Wouldn't it be
helpful to know how they're thinking? What is going on in their mind? -So, is that possible?
So, what... I'm curious what is parent psychology? -Okay. So, this is interesting
because we've done a lot of videos here for parents about 3 stages of moral
development. And Vicki, and the Parenting Power-Up we go into some detail about
this. This is parent psychology. It's in a
different wrapper. But check it out. Parents think in a very predictable way.
And there are 3 stages of moral development. Stage one... Give us a quick
overview of what stage one is all about. -So, stage one is "I want to get everything
for me. I'm selfish. I'm motivated by my consequences, by what I can get
out of things." -Very externalized locus of control. And so, the only reason I do
anything right is because there's something in it for me or I'm going to get
clobbered if I don't. Okay, that's stage one. Stage 2, that's
more cooperative. So, I don't want any trouble. I want to keep the peace and I'm
going to go along and comply with reasonable... -"But it might not good and a very happy way but I
am going to do what I have to do." Maybe with some attitude. -Right.
Cooperation not always the right attitude. -Right. -And then stage 3..
-That's where you actually take initiative to do things. You see what
needs to be done. You see the proper behavior or whatever is expected in the
situation and you just do it out of initiation.
-Now, these stages are important because your stage of maturity determined
your level of control that you get to have. -That control word is such a buzzword for
to our teens. -I had a 15-year-old young man right here
on my couch and his mom was on the other end of the couch. And I was interviewing
both of them about, "Okay, what's going on?" Mom had this laundry list, okay? Of things
that she wanted to address with her son. I asked the son, the 15 year old, "What's
going on?" He gets this indignant look on his face and he points over at mom and
he says, "SHE is trying to control my life!"
And I'm... I go after mom. I'm like, "What's the deal? You're trying to control his
life?" And her response? -Not at all. -"No .Heavens, no. I want him to control
his life. I don't want to control his life. I got other
things to do." But here's the parent psychology part: How mature you are
matters in how much control you have. But how mature your parents think you are
will determine how much control they try to take in your life. So, if they think
that you're being immature, they're going to get all control freaky on you. -Yeah, because
in a parent's view, you can really see where control has to be in place. -Yes. -And
so, if you don't perceive this child as being able to take that control in a
responsible way then you're going to take it. -Look at it from a parent's
perspective for a minute. Either you control yourself or I have to step in
and control you or if I can't do that, the state is going to come in. -So, a big
thing for helping a teenager understand parent psychology is recognizing that
they don't really want all the control. -No. -They want you to have control by
showing maturity. -Parents want maturity. Kids want control. And that's
why it's important to understand that parent psychology. Now, let's get into
some things that you can do to improve the relationship. If you're a parent
listening to this presentation today, you might want to share this with your
teenager because these are some really powerful ways
to improve that relationship and come up with a little better balance. -One of the
first things a teenager could do to improve their relationship with their
parent and to show maturity is just to be nice. Be kind. Use nice language. No
profanity. I remember one time you had a youth saying, "There's nothing
wrong with the way that I'm speaking. It's fine to speak this way, you know?" -Oh, yeah.
-Yeah. But I think you asked him, "If you had a job interview and you knew they
were going to pay you $500,000 dollars a year if you could just land
this job. When you go to the job interview, what's the language you're
going to use?" -Would you use the same language you're throwing out at your mom?
-Yeah. And so, obviously, because as a youth, you know what language is
acceptable and isn't acceptable for adults. So, just... -Yeah. -Make it your choice.
Be kind. Use the best language. Don't use profanity. Say nice things. Maybe even
compliment occasionally. -So simple but this has such power as you interact with
people in general especially your parents or the people who have authority
over you. Be nice. Be respectful. Be kind. Be cooperative. So
simple and yet it's not very often implemented. Or at least when it's not,
there's there's conflict. -Right. -Vicki, I'll take the next one. -Okay. -Because I
get this all the time. "How do I get my kids to clean up their messes?" Okay.
That's a hint of something that we could do to improve the relationship. If you're
a teenager, clean up. -You would not believe how much
credibility and credit it gets you to just clean up without being asked. -Coming
from a mom. It carries more weight than it's worth,
honestly. And so, clean up. Clean up your face and your body. Clean up your room and
your area. Clean up your language and your appearance. Anything you can do to
clean up is going to put you in a more powerful position in your relationships
in general. But we're talking especially with your parents today. -This next tip is
one that I am really quite passionate about. And that's
just expressing gratitude. You know, I just think it goes so far to just say
thank you to someone. Or "I like the way you do this." Or "It's great that you
provide this for me." Or "I'm so lucky or blessed that you always make dinner, mom."
Or "You always go by dinner." -I think each of our kids have
used this. And it has gotten each of them some significant leverage with us as
parents. It really does pack some weight
when a child comes into our bedroom at night and says, "Hey, just before I went to
bed. I just wanted to let you guys know that I really appreciate it. You're
taking us to that park today. That was so cool. Thank you so much." -Yeah. -Or getting
up from the table. "Thank you for this dinner, mom. That was really good." -Yeah. -Wow.
-It doesn't take much but just a little bit of gratitude goes a long way. -I
know how much effort it takes. I've measured it. That's the actual amount. But
guess how much benefit you get. -Yeah. -It just opens up all kinds of things. -Yeah.
Huge. Here's the next tip: Pitch in. That's an old phrase. Do people still use that?
-I don't know. -It came from a campaign to stop littering. At least this is when I
remember it. Remember the old pitching commercials. And and they showed people
throwing trash into a garbage container instead of littering it on the streets,
right? Pitch in. It also means step up and do something to contribute. One of the
families that I'm working with right now calls it family contributions. -Okay. -They
don't call them chores. Family contributions. This is what I'm doing to
contribute to the family. And it carries a lot of weight. Why? Remember parent
psychology? Parents will take the amount of control that they think they need to
take based on how mature they think you are. If you're pitching in...
-That's showing initiative, first of all. And that's just... -Stage 3. -So,
immediately, they're thinking, "Aha, this kid is ready for more control." -They think
that you're being more mature. -Mm-hmm. -What an amazing thing. Pitch in. -And it
doesn't have to be a lot even. Just like gather all the dishes. You're going to
walk away from the dinner table anyway. Take some of the dishes at the kitchen at
same time. -That's hard. I know it's hard I know how hard it is. I measured.
Honestly, you're going to do it anyway, right? If mom nags you or asks you to do
something, are you going to do it? Yeah. Because you don't want any trouble.
You're at least on a stage 2. Well, how much more effort does it take to do it
without being asked? This much. Get you this much benefit.
It's not even balanced. Seriously. This is how parents think. And it will improve
your relationship to pitch in. Sometimes the relationship between parents and
teens gets a little strained because the teen wants something and they get the
answer "No". -Yeah. -"You can't have that." Parents will have another conversation
about how you can get to yes. That's a powerful parenting strategy. But right
now, let's talk about the power of accepting "No". Accepting no. -Graciously. -Yes.
-Graciously. See, sometimes when your parents say no, you're like, "Ugh!" You throw a
little tantrum. -And you tell them why that's the right answer.
-How they're wrong and they're abusive and they're depriving you of your human
rights. -Ruining your life. -Ruining your life, right? That's not going to fly with any
parent I know. -Well, it just doesn't show... Remember, our goal is to show your
parents that you're more mature. So that you can get more control. So, that does
not show maturity. -It takes a lot of maturity to accept "No" graciously. -And
this is true of adults of parents to accept No. Now, I want to give you one
little tip, though. If you can start to rephrase a request to "What would it take
for me be to be able to go out with my friends on Saturday?" Instead of "Can I go?"
is "What would it take?" And that just puts...
These shows that I'm willing to do something. I'm willing to pay my part
of the price for your part which is permission or whatever. -Do you remember our
third son, Brennan used to use this all the time. I don't mean use it in a
manipulative sort of way. He just figured out, "Oh, this works." -Yeah. -He would approach
this and say, "Dad, what would it take for me to be able to do this or that?" Now, as
a parent, I'm looking at that and I'm thinking, "That's not a yes or no answer."
-No. And it actually psychologically, it puts you into problem-solving right away.
Versus yeah yes or no. And so, it's a great tool to use. And then it gives you
something very specific that you can do and gives them a way to measure whether
you're cooperating initiating and ready. Back to the know for just a minute.
For you to accept no, when no is the answer, accept it graciously. This is
magic. It works something in your parents head that tells them you're more mature.
Or at least they'll think you're more mature. And that's relevant. So, you accept
the no by saying something like, "Thank you. I understand and I accept that."
Now, that sounds weird but even if you were to think that and have your
response mirror that somehow, that's going to go a long way. In
fact, it's hard. I've measured. You get the picture. Are you ready as a parent to
take this to the next level? Because we're ready to team up with you. And
we've got some great programs available. The first step would be get on a call
with one of our coaches DrPaulJenkins.com/breakthroughcall.
Let's get you on a call and figure out what's the best fit for you and for your
family as you move forward.