- ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS TO DO ON THIS SHOW
IS HAVE CELEBRITIES WEAR AN EARPIECE
AND MAKE THEM SAY WHATEVER I TELL THEM TO.
AND ANOTHER ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS TO DO
IS TO MAKE DAVID BECKHAM TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF.
I COMBINED THOSE TWO THINGS
WHEN WE HAD A MASSEUSE COME TO GIVE DAVID A MASSAGE,
AND SHE HAD NO IDEA
THAT I WAS TELLING HIM WHAT TO SAY THE ENTIRE TIME.
DAVID BECKHAM IS HERE.
HE'S ASKED TO TRY TO IFB SEGMENT,
LIKE WE'VE DONE WITH DENNIS QUAID BEFORE.
AND HE IS OUTSIDE OF A DRESSING ROOM
WHERE THIS POOR, UNSUSPECTING MASSEUSE
IS WAITING TO GIVE SOMEONE A MASSAGE.
SHE HAS NO IDEA WHO.
WALK ON IN THE DOOR,
AND SAY, "HELLO, NICE TO MEET YOU."
- HI.
- HELLO. NICE TO MEET YOU.
- I'M SIMO.
- I'M DAVID. - DAVID, NICE TO MEET YOU.
- "YOU KNOW WHO I AM, RIGHT?"
- YOU KNOW WHO I AM, RIGHT? DAVID BECKHAM?
- YES, YES.
- "OKAY, RIGHT NOW, I DON'T WANT TO BE DAVID BECKHAM.
I WANT TO RELAX."
- RIGHT NOW, I DON'T WANT TO BE DAVID BECKHAM.
I WANT TO JUST RELAX.
- "CAN YOU CALL ME RICKY?"
- CAN YOU CALL ME RICKY?
[laughter]
PERFECT. - GREAT.
- SO, RICKY, I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME--
- "CAN YOU JUST BE QUIET JUST FOR ONE SECOND, PLEASE?"
- CAN YOU JUST BE QUIET FOR ONE SECOND, PLEASE?
- "LET'S JUST JOIN OUR ENERGY.
"CAN I JUST PUT MY HANDS ON YOUR SHOULDER
AND YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON MY SHOULDER?"
- CAN WE JUST JOIN OUR ENERGY
IF I PUT MY HANDS ON YOUR SHOULDERS
AND YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON MY SHOULDERS?
- "LET'S JUST JOIN ENERGY AND DO SOME CLEANSING BREATHS."
- LET'S JUST JOIN ENERGY AND DO SOME CLEANSING BREATHS.
[laughter]
- "OH!"
- OH!
[laughter]
- "AH!"
- AH!
- "OH!"
- [in high-pitched voice] OH!
- "OKAY, I'M READY."
- OKAY. I'M READY.
- "DO YOU MIND IF I TAKE MY SHIRT OFF?"
- DO YOU MIND IF I TAKE MY SHIRT OFF?
- NO, NOT AT ALL.
[people cheering]
- OKAY, OKAY.
"CAN YOU TRY NOT TO USE YOUR THUMBS?"
- ARE YOU COMFORTABLE LIKE THIS?
- COULD YOU TRY NOT TO USE YOUR THUMBS?
- OH, OKAY.
YOU LIKE MORE, LIKE, ELBOWS OR--
- "NO, JUST FINGERS, NO THUMBS."
- NO, JUST FINGERS, NO THUMBS.
- OH, JUST FINGERS.
- JUST FINGERS. JUST NO THUMBS.
- OH, OKAY.
- I REALLY DON'T LIKE THUMBS.
- AND, UM, WOULD YOU LIKE, UM--
- "NO." - NO.
- OIL OR LOTION?
- NO.
- "JUST--JUST START WITH YOUR INDEX FINGERS."
- JUST START WITH YOUR INDEX FINGERS, PLEASE.
- "JUST THE TWO INDEX FINGERS."
- JUST THE TWO INDEX FINGERS IS PERFECT.
- OH, OKAY.
[laughter]
- THE TWO INDEX FINGERS.
- "THAT'S TOO HARD."
- THAT'S TOO HARD. AH!
- "JUST GENTLE, JUST GENTLE."
- JUST GENTLE. REALLY GENTLE.
- "DID I FEEL A THUMB?"
- DID I FEEL A THUMB?
[laughter]
ARE YOU SURE?
- "NO THUMB, NO THUMB, NO THUMB."
- NO THUMB, NO THUMB.
- "SOMETIMES IT'S SO HARD TO BE PRETTY."
- SOMETIMES IT'S JUST SO HARD TO BE PRETTY.
[laughter]
- "CAN YOU JUST HUM NEAR THE MUSCLE YOU'RE TOUCHING?
JUST HUM."
- THE MUSCLE YOU'RE TOUCHING, CAN YOU JUST HUM?
- UM...
- YEAH, JUST HUM. JUST "MMMMM."
ACTUALLY, MAYBE A SONG.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SONG?
- [laughs] UM...
I COULD SING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."
- I LIKE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."
- OKAY.
[singing] HUMMING IT OR SINGING IT?
- NO, HUMMING RIGHT NEAR THE MUSCLE,
AS CLOSE TO THE MUSCLE AS POSSIBLE.
- OKAY.
[humming "Happy Birthday"]
- START SINGING WITH HER. START SINGING.
- [singing] DAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
- SING REALLY, REALLY LOUD. SING REALLY LOUD.
- [singing loudly] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR--
- TO RICKY, TO RICKY.
- [singing] RICKY
RICKY, RICKY, RICKY.
[singing] HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
- "DID I JUST FEEL A THUMB?"
- DID I JUST FEEL A THUMB?
- NO, YOU DIDN'T, ACTUALLY.
- "I SMELL CHEETOS."
[laughter]
- I--DO I SMELL CHEETOS?
[sniffing]
- I DON'T THINK SO.
- "IN A GOOD WAY."
- NO, IN A GOOD WAY, NOT A BAD WAY.
IN A GOOD WAY.
I LOVE THEM.
- THERE'S SOME CHIPS OVER THERE,
BUT I DON'T THINK THEY'RE OPENED.
- "YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS OVER THERE, SIMO?"
- DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS OVER THERE, SIMO?
- WHAT ELSE? - "A HIDDEN CAMERA."
- A HIDDEN CAMERA.
[laughter]
ALL RIGHT.
[cheers and applause]