(upbeat music)
- [Sarah] Do I mend my broken relationship
with my abusive mother?
Yes or no?
(dynamic music)
- I think family's very important.
If you can at least try to have some kind
of communication between you and your mother
I think that's a very important thing.
- I think it's a very subjective situation though,
because when you have an abusive person in your life
it's really, really hard to keep amends with them.
So I think it does depend too, have you tried before?
What is the situation like?
Yeah.
- [Sarah] My mom has terminal brain cancer.
I feel like I'm running out of time.
- [Director] If that changed your decision,
you guys are welcome to switch sides.
- [Jury Member] There we go.
- [Jury Member] Sorry.
- I just wouldn't want you to regret.
I've had the same type of thought,
should I cut someone outta my life?
But then, I don't wanna hold this anger
and resentment for this person, and die with this feeling.
- I actually did experience that.
My mother did pass of cancer
and I did not have a good relationship
with her the majority of my life.
I did not get her very long,
but at least the last few years that we did have
we were able to have open conversations,
and me hear her perspective for the first time ever.
And it gave me a very different view on things,
because as parents, I am a mother of five,
we do the best we can with what we have at the moment.
To know I loved her, I knew she loved me,
completely changed everything when she did pass on,
which was 10 years ago.
- I was raised in a cult-like religious community
where my abuse occurred.
Due to my mother's religious conditioning,
she swept my abuse under the rug.
- [Director] You guys have another chance to switch sides
if you feel compelled to.
- It's difficult being in a cult,
just thinking of being brainwashed.
And that could've affected her mom.
And maybe the cult was encouraging
to act like it didn't happen.
- When parents show stress around a child,
that kid will pick up on the stress.
And maybe this was her attempt to
maybe make it not hurt as bad.
And it's not the right thing to do,
but maybe this was kind of her way of dealing with it.
- I would just like to add though, attempting to
mend the relationship does not excuse the behavior.
- Yes. - Definitely.
- [Jury Member] Right.
- It's more about understanding the context
and trying to seek closure for yourself.
- [Jury Member] Exactly.
- A pastor of my church coerced and groomed me.
He was married, I babysat his children.
My abuse caused me to lose my community.
When I had gotten strong enough
to potentially try and bring it to light
my mom did have evidence of the abuse.
And she chose to destroy it.
- How many times have you tried to mend this relationship?
- Probably for my whole life.
My last contact with her was in April.
I flew states away to be with her
and she walked out of a room I was in.
And that was how we said goodbye that day.
I lived a pretty gaslit existence
and so I wasn't always aware of the abuse I lived in.
It's only been the last decade or so
that I have learned about myself,
and what is right and normal.
Sorry. - It's okay.
- You do not have to apologize for being a human being.
- For your personal peace, and for you to find forgiveness,
do you think that that requires
a mended relationship with your mom?
- At the time of her diagnosis,
she had a 1% chance to live the next five years.
It's been one year.
With her diagnosis, it's clear to me
that she's willing to die with this.
And that is so extreme to me.
She has asked me questions like,
well, think of his children.
She's befriended his ex-wife,
who is the wife he was married to when all of this happened.
And it feels really extreme.
It feels bad to know that my mother is suffering
and to not be able to comfort her in the way that I wish.
But in order to do that, it really feels like
I'm letting myself down.
And I'm the only one that's going to stand up for myself.
There's nobody else.
And so to appease her death so she can have a peaceful death
when my life has been so tumultuous, I can't.
- This is tough. - Yeah, I understand.
- [Jury Member] It's, this is tough.
- Your mother doesn't deserve to have that peace.
And I feel like mending that relationship
is gonna give her peace,
and you're not gonna have that
because you've had a traumatic life.
- I totally understand the boundaries.
I agree with all of your points.
But this is your mother.
Things don't just go away over time.
I think that's the biggest lie.
Time heals things.
No, it does not.
You addressing your things heals things.
And so you have an opportunity to do that.
And she doesn't have much time left to.
- Sorry to kind of counteract the whole thing
where it's like, it's your mom.
Blood only goes so far.
And her being blood related to you
doesn't excuse everything that she's done.
- I kind of disagree a little bit.
I think it definitely doesn't excuse.
If she doesn't wanna take accountability, that's on her.
That's not your problem anymore.
But for your own sake, and for your own peace of mind,
I think it's really important
that you really give it your all,
especially in this crucial time that you have.
- I was wondering, what do you need
in this moment to feel safe and secure?
- I don't know.
I would like validation.
I would like to feel loved.
I would like to feel a part of something.
- Do you currently have a support system?
And if so, what does that look like for you?
- That's been really hard.
That's been a trending struggle in my life
because I feel like I've carried around
feeling like an outcast.
I feel like I've been chosen over.
And that I am not worth even my mother's care or concern.
So finding community with that on my back
has been a very big deal.
I do have a spouse, and I do have a six year old son,
and they're the best things in my life.
(suspenseful music)
- [Chelsy] It just seems like it's at a point
where she's tried everything.
- [Jennifer] Her mother must have value,
because she wouldn't be doing all this.
- [Chelsy] I think she's actually found her peace.
If her mom wasn't sick, I don't think she would be
in this situation right now.
The diagnosis brought up a lot of pent-up anger
inside of her that she now wants to put out.
- [Joseph] If her mother dies, and looks back and says,
I wish I did this, I wish I did that.
I think that's gonna end up eating her even worse.
- [Daniel] The ground zero should be, what does she want?
- Yeah. - Exactly.
What does she want?
What does she need?
- We all agree that it is better to regret doing something
than not doing something.
You never know what it's like
when someone's on their deathbed.
And so we just feel like keeping the door open
is better than keeping the door closed.
- We were listening to what you stated that you wanted.
You wanted to feel loved and you wanted validation.
You can achieve those things
without mending the relationship, through support systems,
finding therapy, finding a community.
You have the love from your family on your side.
So for that reason, we said, you should not mend it.
- [Director] Have you made your decision?
- [Sarah] Yes.
Like you guys said, I can offer myself
the things that I need moving forward.
And mending the relationship takes a lot of energy
and takes me back to a lot of places
that I've already moved through.
Both boxes really suck for me.
And I like the possibilities in this box more.
(dynamic music)
On the show, that was the first time
I've ever talked about it.
I came away feeling like maybe I had a powerless attitude
towards it, and it didn't have to be that way.
I have spoken to pretty much
everyone now about this situation.
So I decided to get in contact with law enforcement
and have a conversation with a detective
just going over what happened to me.
- [Director] Was there any part of you
that wanted to reach out to your mom
when you did reach out to law enforcement?
- [Sarah] It's a lot harder to do
when interacting in real time.
I find myself more thinking of writing her letters
to just know that I'm expressing myself.
And so I'm hoping that will serve
for some kind of olive branch.
Since opening up that dialogue with the jury
I have found myself much more open
to finding a middle ground.
♪ I love, I love, I love, I love you like la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ I love you like la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ I love, I love, I love you ♪