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- Therapist Reacts!
Why it's okay to let friendships fade out by Bryan Lufkin
is an article that I read on BBC.
You can get the link down below to check that out.
We're coming out of pandemic,
we're coming out of lockdown depending on where you live.
And during that time, this article talks about having pods,
having little pods of friends,
who saw the world the same way you did,
who were practicing the same safety measures,
or who did things the way that you did them.
And that it's, a lot of people have fallen out
with a lot of people.
And then we stay in contact through social media,
but you have people that you haven't seen face-to-face
for a year and a half, right?
And so in this article he talks about,
you might find yourself not wanting to see certain people,
not because there's anything wrong,
but just because the thought of seeing them again is meh.
Before, it was part of your routine,
before, it was part of your life,
before, it was part of your habit to see them,
and now it's out.
And I want to talk about the bigger concept.
The bigger concept is that friendships ebb and flow.
How often have you said, or had said to you,
I'm such a bad friend, I'm sorry, I haven't called.
I haven't emailed.
We haven't made time for one another.
But the social science behind it
is that we have different friends
for different times of our lives.
And it's not because we care about people less,
it's because we need certain people, and they need us.
And we're a better fit for each other
at different times in our lives,
our values shift, our needs shift, our interests shift,
and that there are certain people,
I mean, I know in my case,
I have friends from childhood that I can go a year,
two years, three years, we don't see, we don't talk,
and then we took up where we left off.
We got to catch up, of course, but it's never awkward,
or like, man, where, why haven't you been in my life?
And that there are certain people
that are there just for a season.
And that instead of being a bad friend,
or thinking of yourself as being a bad friend,
it's okay to recognize,
they're not reaching out to you either.
They have life, they get busy.
They have other people that they're connected with,
that are a better fit for them right now, and that's okay.
But this article talks about how to know
if this is someone you should reconnect with.
And the biggest indicator is also the simplest
and most straightforward.
Do you miss them?
Do you want them in your life?
If the thought of not spending time together,
if six more months go by, and you haven't interacted,
does that make you sad?
Right, that's a pretty solid indicator.
Again, your mileage may vary,
'cause you may have friends like me
that you can pick up without missing a step.
But I thought this was a fascinating concept,
because it's scientifically impossible for us
to keep track of, and keep tabs on,
and stay involved in the lives of every friend
that we've ever had.
Now that said, if there's someone that the thought
of reconnecting with them feels like a chore,
or like a duty, or an obligation,
and there's not a desire there to do it.
That's a pretty strong indicator that
maybe the season has passed for this person in your life.
Now, how do you reconnect with someone
when it's been so long?
Sometimes it's really awkward,
because once again of the I'm a terrible friend thing,
if they haven't reached out to you,
and you haven't reached out to them, it's pretty simple.
Hey, my head's finally above water.
I've been thinking about contacting you a lot,
and never got around to it, but I'd love to touch base.
And a lot of people will be right there in the same boat.
Oh, me too.
I'm so glad you said something.
It's a little more awkward
if they've been trying repeatedly to get in touch with you,
and you haven't had the bandwidth for it,
but you want to now.
Lead with an apology,
of not necessarily that you did something wrong,
but more of a compassionate I'm sorry,
or an empathetic I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that we didn't connect.
I know that you tried, and I didn't respond,
and I wouldn't blame you for feeling insulted.
It wasn't personal.
I just might've had, my head was below water,
and I was just trying to take care of life,
but I would love to reconnect.
Some people will hold grudges.
Most people won't.
Most people will be glad for the opportunity
to connect once again.
So when it comes to rekindling friendships, or not,
when it comes to who you have in your life, or not,
remember, none of us can keep tabs on everybody.
Maybe your struggle is the opposite.
Maybe you've got precious few friends to begin with.
In which case, it's time to open the doors, right?
Like Arendelle in Frozen for the first time in forever.
Let everybody in, right?
Let people into your life, invite them back in.
The most comforting thing about this article for me
is that we're not bad friends
if we fall out of touch, we're just people.
And just because I haven't made time for you
doesn't mean I don't care about you,
and I'm wanting to make time now.
So what do you think about friends, about friendscapes,
about who you, friendscape is who you have in your life,
who you choose to keep around, and why.
How do you choose who you make time for?
I want to hear in the comments below,
how do you reconnect after a long period of time?
Or how do you choose
who you don't really want associate with anymore?
If you enjoy what we're doing here at Mended Light,
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If you enjoyed this, I want to invite you
to check out my last Therapist Reacts video
on six psychologically damaging things
that parents say to their kids without meaning to.
Link for that is right down there below.
So until next time, I'm Jonathan Decker, keep shining,
because we need your light, and we'll see you then.
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