WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW AND I
HOPE YOU DO, I GIVE THE PRESIDENT A LOT OF
THE BUSINESS, YOU KNOW THE ZINGERS, BUT IT'S NICE WHEN YOU
SEE GOOD THINGS HAPPEN IN TRUMP'S AMERICA.
FOR INSTANCE, EARLY THIS MORNING, THE THREE AMERICAN
HOSTAGES FREED BY NORTH KOREA LANDED SAFELY IN THE UNITED
STATES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> GREAT NEWS.
WELCOME HOME.
GOT TO GIVE IT UP WHEN GOOD THINGS HAPPEN.
THE PRESIDENT WAS THERE TO MEET THE FREED MEN, ALONG WITH
MELANIA, WHO'S HOPING TO BE FREED NEXT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
TRUMP MADE SOME BRIEF REMARKS.
PRETTY SIMPLE.
ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS NOT THANK THE MURDEROUS DICTATOR WHO HAD
IMPRISONED THESE MEN IN A WINDOWLESS BLACK HOLE.
>> WE WANT TO THANK KIM JONG-UN WHO REALLY WAS EXCELLENT TO
THESE THREE INCREDIBLE PEOPLE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: NO, HE WASN'T
EXCELLENT TO THEM.
AND YOU KNOW THE HINT THAT HE WASN'T?
THEY LOOK HAPPY TO BE WITH YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY?
THAT'S HOW LOW THE BAR IS.
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
YOU DON'T NEGOTIATE THE RELEASE OF PEOPLE FROM AN EXCELLENT
SITUATION.
"DON'T WORRY, WE'RE SENDING IN SEAL TEAM SIX TO EXTRACT YOU
FROM THAT ALL-INCLUSIVE BEACH VACATION."
( LAUGHTER ) AND TRUMP WASN'T DONE PRAISING
THE HOSTAGES' KIDNAPPER RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM.
THIS TIME BECAUSE KIM LET THEM GO BEFORE HIS MEETING WITH MIKE
POMPEO.
>> AND HE WAS NICE IN LETTING THEM GO BEFORE THE MEETING.
FRANKLY, WE DIDN'T THINK THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, AND IT DID.
>> STEPHEN: COINCIDENTALLY, THAT'S ALSO WHAT IT SAYS BENEATH
TRUMP'S OFFICIAL PORTRAIT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
HE DIDN'T KNOW!
♪ NO, HE COULDN'T KNOW!
>> Stephen: EVENTUALLY GOING TO CARVE HIS HEAD ON MT. OOPSY
DAISY.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, NO TRUMP
ACCOMPLISHMENT WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT BRAGGING ABOUT RATINGS.
>> I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL.
IT'S VERY EARLY IN THE MORNING.
I THINK YOU PROBABLY BROKE THE ALL-TIME IN HISTORY TELEVISION
RATING FOR 3 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING, THAT I WOULD SAY.
>> STEPHEN: YES, THAT'S HOW HISTORY JUDGES ALL
PRESIDENTIAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS: "DID IT DO BETTER THAN AN
INFOMERCIAL FOR SLAP CHOP?" ( LAUGHTER )
SOME ARE ATTRIBUTING THIS DIPLOMATIC VICTORY TO TRUMP'S
PLAN TO "OUT-CRAZY" NORTH KOREA.
"THANKS FOR RELEASING THE HOSTAGES, KIM.
NOW, I'M SENDING THEM BACK.
DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING."
( LAUGHTER ) "ALL RIGHT?
I BEEN EATING PAINT CHIPS ."
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP IS FOND OF SAYING THAT
EVERY OTHER U.S. PRESIDENT WAS PREDICTABLE, WHICH LET THEIR
ADVERSARIES RUN RINGS AROUND THEM.
YEAH, OBAMA WAS SO PREDICTABLE WHEN HE KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN
INSTEAD OF SURPRISING THE WORLD BY THANKING HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) AND, REPORTEDLY, TRUMP IS ALL IN
ON THE CRAY-CRAY.
"NO ONE KNOWS WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
THEY ARE OVER THERE TRYING RIGHT NOW TO ANALYZE EVERY STATEMENT
I'M PUTTING OUT TO GET A SENSE OF WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN."
YES, WE ARE.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, NORTH KOREA IS.
ADDING, "BUT THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS, NOBODY KNOWS."
"LEAST OF ALL ME.
MY NEGOTIATING TEAM IS A OUIJA BOARD AND THAT RACCOON THAT
PICKS THE SUPER BOWL WINNERS."
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, IF KIM JONG UN WANTS
INSIGHT INTO THE PRESIDENT, MAYBE HE SHOULD HIRE TRUMP
LAWYER AND MAN BEING POLITELY ASKED TO LEAVE THE STRIP CLUB,
MICHAEL COHEN.
YESTERDAY, I TOLD YOU THAT COHEN TOOK MONEY FROM A RUSSIAN
OLIGARCH AND CORPORATIONS LIKE AT&T, AND NOVARTIS, BUT
THAT'S JUST THE TIP OF THE BRIBE-BERG.
ACCORDING TO ONE G.O.P.
STRATEGIST, RIGHT AFTER THE INAUGURATION, COHEN WAS
COLD-CALLING PEOPLE AND SAYING, "I DON'T KNOW WHO'S BEEN
REPRESENTING YOU, BUT YOU SHOULD FIRE THEM ALL.
I'M THE GUY YOU SHOULD HIRE.
I'M CLOSEST TO THE PRESIDENT.
I'M HIS PERSONAL LAWYER."
THAT WAS PRETTY BALD INFLUENCE PEDDLING.
HE WAS SLIGHTLY MORE SUBTLE WHEN HE BOUGHT THE AD BENCH IN FRONT
OF THE WHITE HOUSE.
( LAUGHTER ) PART OF THE REASON HE WAS SO
BLUNT IN HIS CASH GRAB IS THAT COHEN DIDN'T GET AN OFFICIAL
WHITE HOUSE POSITION AT THE URGING OF IVANKA TRUMP AND JARED
KUSHNER.
WHO EXPLAINED: "HEY, BEING AN UNQUALIFIED WHITE HOUSE STAFFER?
THAT'S KIND OF OUR THING."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT WHAT'S COHEN SUPPOSED TO DO?
NOT CASH IN ON KNOWING THE PRESIDENT?
SO, HE REACHED OUT TO THE PRIVATE SECTOR, TELLING
POTENTIAL CLIENTS HOW FREQUENTLY THE TWO SPOKE, AND EVEN SHOWED
PHOTOS OF HIMSELF WITH TRUMP.
"HERE'S ME AND MR. TRUMP.
HERE'S THE SECRET SERVICE PULLING ME AWAY FROM MR. TRUMP.
THEY'RE GOOD GUYS.
I'VE EVEN GOT A CODE NAME.
IT'S: "HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?" ( LAUGHTER )
AND COHEN HAD A REAL OPPORTUNITY, AS ONE LOBBYIST
EXPLAINED, "EVERYONE SAID TRUMP WON'T WIN.
EVERYONE HAD ALL OF THESE HILLARY CONSULTANTS LINED UP AND
REALIZED WHEN TRUMP WON, THEY HAD NOBODY."
A LOT OF PEOPLE WERE WRONG ABOUT THAT ELECTION.
THAT'S WHY I HASTILY HIRED MY CONSULTANT, MR. DANIELS.
( CHEERING ) ( PIANO RIFF )
MMM...
HE HAS A LOT OF INFLUENCE, AND I AM FREQUENTLY UNDER IT.
( LAUGHTER ) HAVE THAT PUT IN A SAFE PLACE.
AND IT WASN'T JUST COHEN, SO AS ONE G.O.P. CONSULTANT PUT IT,
EVERYONE WAS HIRING "TRUMP WHISPERERS" IN 2017.
A TRUMP WHISPERER IS LIKE A DOG WHISPERER BECAUSE, WELL, THERE'S
A LOT OF INDOOR PEEING AND HITTING WITH ROLLED UP
MAGAZINES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )