*Acoustic guitar music* Chopping was invented... in the forties.
*Guitar music continues* Before that, people just smashed it against the wall.
*Guitar music continues* You can put it on auto-chop.
*Guitar music continues* *Chopping sounds*
*Guitar music continues* Does this look like the surface of the moon?
*Guitar music continues* Or is this just me?
*Guitar music continues* *Robotic voice*: Hello. My name is Comblockto.
*Sad piano music* "Don't."
*Piano music continues* "Shut."
*Piano music continues* "Me."
*Piano music continues* "Out."
*Piano music continues* *gasps*
*SPLAT*
I keep my salt in this open bag so that it stays fresh.
Let's cook the ever-living f-*BEEP* out of this oven.
"Oven"?
Onion.
*Multiple voices* (singing): It's time to make a corn and black bean salad!
And what you want to do is just...
...firmly throw it against the wall.
One ingredient I refuse to use is...
...poison.
*Dramatic music* Small plastic containers holding sour cream and salsa on the side of the nachos.
*Dramatic drum beat* NO!
Reaaally wanna get in there and wrassle it all up.
*Piano music* "I'm yellow and nobody likes me."
*Piano music continues* "Banana!"
*Piano music continues* "Nope!"
*Piano music continues* Aglio E Olio.
*Piano music continues* It sounds like a made-up word but it's actually a real word...
*Piano music continues* ...from a made-up language called "Italian."
*Piano music continues*
*Piano music continues* *Futuristic hoverboard noises*
*Piano music continues* A fresh pork chop sandwich from the lake.
*Piano music continues* It's got a pinkish, orangeish, almost salmony color to it.
*Piano music continues* *SLAP* *SLIDE* *SLAP* *STAB*
*Piano music continues* MMMMMMMMM
*Piano music continues* It's like a penta-yam!
*Piano music continues* *Arcane woosh*
Woah! *blows* Woah. *blows*
*Acoustic guitar strum* First discovered by Polish sailors in the 1400s...
*Guitar music continues* ...the pierogi has taken a special place in the hearts of many.
*Guitar music continues* Forcan, which is an invention I made...
*Guitar music continues* It's like...
*Guitar music continues* One grip one meal.
*EKG beeping* Can anybody tell me why we operated through the face?
*The guitar music is back* Keeps your floors looking brand spanking new.
*Guitar music continues* It's a total grime buster.
That's triple distilled mason water.
Um... Or...
...trip-dis-may for short.
*Dramatic drone* "You lost a partner. Boo-frickin'-hoo."
*Dramatic drone continues* "I've had 27 partners ended up as omelets."
Now tap your way over to the fridge and get your sour cream.
*Tap-"dancing"*
I did a little breakdown in the difference between, uh...
...my soup and Emily's soup.
And then you have a...
...a santaloupe.
Tap water has chemicals in it, so...
...try to avoid that, if you can.
If that paper bursts into flames, carefully select another potato.
*Now the dramatic drone is back* *Running water*
*Now the dramatic drone is back* *Running water* "Dude's taking a piss, man."
*Now the dramatic drone is back* *Running water*
-and if you find you're over-hydrated...
...a small glass of nothing will really help you to bring your body back into balance.
*Running mixer*
*Running mixer* *Robotic voice*: Oh shit.
*Running mixer*
*Running mixer* *Robotic voice*: Oh f-*BEEP*
Photoshop the stem off, then...
...pluck it.
*Rap beat* Lay your fries onto some oil to make 'em wetter.
*Rap beat continues* Add some salt from the container in your bag.
*Rap beat continues* A bit of pepper pepper pepper.
*Distorted voice: -going on a date and you want to impress someone...
*Deep voice*: ...you can make your voice sound like this.
-but a far quicker and more efficient method...
...is to scrape the bottom of the bowl with nine forks.
Forgot the green thing.
See?
*Multiple voices*: RGOGSH
-a penta-beet...
...or a beetbox.
*Over radio*: Navigation locked.
*Mission control*: Engage hyperdrive.
*Rocket starts up*
*Rocket continues starting* *Over radio*: Mission control, we have a major problem.
*Rocket continues starting* *Over radio*: I just realized I left the cookies in the onion.
*Rocket continues starting* *Mission Control*: Copy that Y-SAC.
*Rocket continues starting* *Mission Control*: What the f-*BEEP* are you talking about?
-and there's a reason no one has thought about this...
...before now. That's cause it's a bad idea.
First thing you do whenever you cook with zucchini...
...is milk it.
We never crush our nuts with anger.
We only crush our nuts with love.
-just need a computer...
...a standard RCA cable...
...bypass the mainframe...
...and...
*Sci-fi BOM* *Computer voice*: Access granted.
You can take a hammer and get corn-off-the-cob.
*Multiple voices (singing)*: Pain.
*Multiple voices (singing)*: Taste.
*Multiple voices (singing)*: Give it a try.
*Dramatic drone returns* "What the hell is that guy doing?"
*Dramatic drone continues* "Um..."
*Dramatic drone continues* "Um..." "Police work."
*Dramatic drone continues* "I'm trying to track down a criminal."
*New rap beat* Thumb and index.
*Rap beat continues* At the vertex.
*Rap beat continues* Grab a little hammer and make sure to test some reflexing.
I'm kind of like the...
...the Elon Musk of...
...squash cases.
Oh look at me, I'm Jackson Pollock.
We're making cubes.
Uh... You know, like beef dice.
Snake eyes!
Another approach is to simply slip the food into your pants bag.
...and that's called the "Do You Even Lifteroni And Beef?"
...or take a stroopwafel...
...and make a shark fin...
...and have that sticking out to sort of scare people.
*Piano chord* Corn. Kernel.
*Piano chords continue* A kernel of knowledge.
*Piano chords continue* On the counter encountering kernels.
*Piano chords continue* Overcoming hurdles.
*Piano chords continue* *Crowd cheering*
Your shells are wrinkly? You're probably...
...old or something.
*Sizzling*
*Sizzling* Ha ha ha, roasted.
Take a third cup of cocoa powder...
...and add a...
*POP* ...spritz of regret.
*Sad piano music* *Robotic voice*: But I just wanted to make pizza.
*Piano music continues* *Mechanical whirs* You're going to have to find a new place to live Comblockto.
*Piano music continues* *Robotic voice*: I was making the pizza for you.
Now we cut this guy open...
This beautiful...
...little can of tomatoes.
*Can opener*
See this? *Dramatic sting*
*Dramatic drone* It's called romaine.
*Dramatic drone continues* It comes from Rome.
*Dramatic drone continues* Where do you come from?
*Dramatic drone continues* Nowhere, that's where.
*Chopping* *To the tune of "One" by Metallica*: Shallots!
*Chopping* *To the tune of "One" by Metallica*: Imprisoning me!
*Chopping* *To the tune of "One" by Metallica*: All that I see!
*Chopping* *To the tune of "One" by Metallica*: Absolute layers!
So I'm going to set a timer so I don't overcook them.
*Conveyor belt whirs*
This whole idea that breakfast is the most important meal of the day...
...is propaganda created by the cereal-
*CRUNCH* Mmmm...
*With mouth full*: Aren't these umbrellas(???) so good?
Mmm.
*Squirting*
It's sooooo juicy. *Running water*
*Calming music* Write a nice complement, like...
*Calming music continues* "You"...
*Calming music continues* "...are..."
*Calming music continues* "...sparky."
Next we'll take an heirloom tomato...
...and we're going to use cupping...
...to suck all the toxins to the surface.
So we're going to take our wild pumpkin...
...and cut the top off...
...and slide that can out.
*British accent*: The original fish-and-chips was served with wood chips.
*British accent*: Such a hearty people.
*British accent*: We've gone so soft.
*CRUNCH*
*Sad piano chords* Do- do you want to come inside, Comblockto?
*Piano music continues* *Robotic voice*: I want to go... *Shuts down*
To combine this, I'm going to use my official...
...2018 Federer Edition Grand Slamjangler™.
Keep in mind that balls are not the only shape that can store energy.
You can have an energy pyramid...
...an energy bracelet...
You'll know it's exactly two cups of basil...
...when it balances with exactly...
...seven to ten...
...small to medium-large size...
...pieces of random gravel.
And that's all there is to making a potato.
Just use your wood burner...
...to make your carrots distinguishable with unique symbols.
You can do the dripsie-doodle...
...the jerky circle...
...the cheap zebra...
Take your fork and whack the side.
*Pure tone* If you hear it resonate, then congratulations...
*Pure tone continues* ...you own a tuning fork.
Fun fact:...
...Scones are often smuggled into Ireland...
...as crumbly potatoes...
...because pastries are illegal there.
*Acoustic guitar music* Gingerly place it into your 500 watt...
*Guitar music continues* ...galvanized steel toasting machine.
*Guitar music continues* ...powered by an 8,000 horsepower truck.
Then grab a couple eggs.
...which are taped to the ceiling of your fridge...
...to keep your roommates from stealing from you.
-and one cup of chopped walnuts...
...that's had the daylights scared out of it.
RAAGGH!
For this first cocoa powder-based hot chocolate...
...you might consider a hot tattooed barista cocoa powder...
...or a can of hot lumber-sexual cocoa powder.
*Sci-fi drone*
*Sci-fi drone continues* *Robotic voice*: My feet look like wangjanglers.
*Sci-fi drone continues*
*Sci-fi drone fades out* For this coleslaw, I'm going to use...
...green cabbage.
...also known as literally a bowling ball.
*Pins falling over*
Bake a cookie in the shape of a car to say...
"Baby, I love you so much!"
"Let's go on a road trip!"
...or "Sometimes I wish I could just..."
"..get in the car and drive..."
"...and drive..."
"...AND DRIVE..."
"...and NEVER LOOK BACK."
-and remember that dill is a weed...
...so you want to spray some reaally strong...
*Spray bottle spraying* ...pesticide on this one before you eat it.
The first step to making green beer...
...is to add some food coloring...
...and then add beer.
Is it a coincidence that bacon is both made of particles...
...but shaped like a wave?
I'd say "Yeah."
And feel free to participate in the Italian tradition called...
..."Lick the Measuring Cup."
*LICK*
This is the community popsicle.
This is great if you go to a music festival by yourself...
...and you want to quickly make five friends.
If you don't like pulp, you're a tool.
...or someone who prefers smooth things.
*THUD*
Just banangjangle that together until it's fully banangjangled.
Now you want to take some fresh solar-dried bread.
Just grab any of the limes that have a really deep...
*Growling* ...dark green...
*Hissing* ..color.
*Horror music* Oh sh-*BEEP*!
*Horror music continues* It's the lime mom!
*Horror music continues* We're all going to f-*BEEP*-ing die!
*Calm piano music* These are best snacked on while whispering...
*Piano music continues* *Crackling* "Carbs are the devil."
*Piano music continues* Now make sure you don't confuse cauliflower...
*Piano music continues* ...with collieflower.
*Piano music continues* *Baby crying* ...or colickyflower.
*Piano music continues* The easiest way to clean cheese off a pot...
*Piano music continues* ...is to put it in the sink...
*Piano music continues* ...then gently lift it and...
*Piano music continues* ...throw it in the trash.
*Piano music continues* Can you make garlic bread with a blowtorch?
*Piano music continues* No.
*Piano music continues* Well... yes.
*Piano music continues* I like to use enough cream cheese...
*Piano music continues* ...so that I can feel my arteries constricting with every bite.
*Piano music continues* If you bring this to a party...
*Piano music continues* ...they'll take one bite and say...
*Piano music continues* "That could use more lime."
*Piano music continues* ...or "I would have used lemon."
*Piano music continues* "This isn't actually authentic."
*Piano music continues* "This isn't actually authentic." "I don't taste the worcester sauce."
*Piano music continues* "I don't taste the worcester sauce."
*Piano music continues* "I don't taste the worcester sauce." "I'd add in some chicories."
*Piano music continues* "I'd add in some chicories." "My Uncle Rick..."
*Piano music continues* "...makes a guac that will blow your friggin mind."
*Piano music continues* "...makes a guac that will blow your friggin mind." "This reaally needs raisins."
*Piano music continues* "This reaally needs raisins."
*Piano fades out*