WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WELL TODAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TODAY, IT'S 13 DAYS AFTER
HURRICANE MARIA, YET ANOTHER DISASTER STRUCK PUERTO RICO:
DONALD TRUMP VISITED THE ISLAND.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT BEFORE THE PRESIDENT LEFT
FOR SANT JUAN, HE GAVE THIS OBJECTIVE
ASSESSMENT OF HIS ADMINISTRATION'S DISASTER RELIEF
EFFORTS.
>> IN TEXAS AND IN FLORIDA, WE GET AN A-PLUS, AND I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT, I THINK WE'VE DONE JUST AS GOOD IN PUERTO RICO, AND IT'S
ACTUALLY A MUCH TOUGHER SITUATION.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T GIVE YOURSELF AN A-PLUS, RIGHT?
THAT'S-- THAT'S NOT HOW GRADES WORK.
"I HAVE DONE AN OUTSTANDING JOB THIS SEMESTER.
I'M SAYING ALL "A"s, WHICH IS WHY I AM SO PROUD THAT I JUST
ADMITTED MYSELF TO HARVARD.
I CAN'T-- I JUST-- I NEVER EVEN TOOK THE S.A.T.s.
I NEVER TOOK THE S.A.T.s.
DISPI JUST DECIDED I GOT A 1600 ON MY S.A.T.s.
I JUST DID IT."
>> ONCE HE WAS THERE IN SAN JUAN, TRUMP MADE IT CLEAR HOW
MUCH HE LOVES PUERTO RICO.
>> I'VE BEEN TO PUERTO RICO MANY TIMES, I THINK MOST OF YOU HAVE
KNOWN, AND I'VE ALWAYS LOVED IT.
AND YOUR WEATHER IS SECOND TO NONE.
BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU GET HIT, AND YOU REALLY GOT HIT,
NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: THAT IS TRUMP-SPLAINING AT ITS BEST.
( LAUGHTER ) "YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T NOTICE WITH
ALL YOUR BEAUTIFUL WEATHER, BUT YOU GUYS GOT A HURRICANE.
IT WAS A HUGE ONE, BELIEVE ME.
YOU GUYS KNEW YOU WERE ON AN ISLAND, SURROUNDED BY SALTY
WATER.
BIG, WET, SALTY, DELICIOUS.
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DRINK IT.
THAT'S JUST A LITTLE TIP."
AND TRUMP ADDRESSED THE DEVASTATION THIS HURRICANE
CAUSED... TO HIM.
>> I HATE TO TELL YOU, PUERTO RICO, BUT YOU'VE THROWN OUR
BUDGET A LITTLE OUT OF WHAT?
>> Stephen: WHAT!
"THE BUDGET IS OUT OF WHAT?" IT'S LIKE A FIREMAN RESCUING YOU
FROM A BURNING BUILDING THEN SAYING, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT
OUR WATER BILL IS GOING TO BE NOW?
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY SEXY CALENDARS WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
SELL TO PAY FOR THIS?" TRUMP EVEN TOOK TIME TO MEET
WITH VICTIMS OF THE HURRICANE.
ALTHOUGH, HE COULD USE SOME HELP WITH THE SMALL TALK.
>> WE HAVE A GOOD HOUSE, THANK GOD.
>> IN THE MEANTIME, HERE YOU ARE.
>> EXACTLY.
EXACTLY.
>> >> WE'RE GOING TO HELP YOU OUT.
>> THANK YOU.
>> HAVE A GOOD TIME.
>> Stephen: "HAVE A GOOD TIME."
YOU'RE AT A DISASTER SITE, NOT WORKING THE FLOOR AT YOUR
CASINO!
"YOU HAVIN' FUN HERE? LISTEN, I'M GONNA COMP YOU A
HALF A GALLON DRINKING WATER.
ENJOY YOUR HURRICANE.
DON'T FORGET TO TIP YOUR FEMA WORKER."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, DONALD TRUMP--
( APPLAUSE ) , OF COURSE, TRUMP DIDN'T JUST
GO TO PUERTO RICO TO TALK.
HE ALSO HANDED OUT MUCH-NEEDED SUPPLIES IN THE TRUMPIEST WAY
POSSIBLE.
"HERE YOU GO.
BON APETIT FROM DOWNTOWN.
YES, LET THEM EAT-- ONE MORE.
LET THEM EAT PAPER TOWELS."
AFTER THAT, HE WENT TO A HOSPITAL AND DISTRIBUTED
ANTIBIOTICS WITH A T-SHIRT CANNON.
"ALL RIGHT, WHO'S GOT A FEVER."
>> Jon: A LITTLE BIT CALLOUS.
>> Stephen: THEN, TRUMP ALSO PASSED OUT SOME FLASHLIGHTS,
THOUGH HE WASN'T SURE WHY.
>> FLASHLIGHTS.
YOU DON'T NEED THEM ANYMORE!
>> Stephen: "YOU DON'T NEED THEM ANYMORE"?
95% OF THE ISLAND DOESN'T HAVE ELECTRICITY.
"YOU DON'T NEED FLASHLIGHTS ANYMORE, BECAUSE ALL THESE NEWS
CAMERAS FROM MY POETOOP ARE POINTED HERE AT ME AND I'M HERE
FOR THE LONG HALL.
GOTTA GO, BYE."
TWO.
AND TRUMP LEARNED A LESSON ABOUT WATER PURIFICATION TABLETS.
>> SO, WAIT, YOU PUT IT IN DIRTY WATER--
>> YEAH, AND THEN YOU CAN DRINK IT AFTER TEN TO TWELVE HOURS.
>> WOULD YOU DO IT?
WOULD YOU DRINK IT?
>> SURE.
>> REALLY?
>> REALLY.
>> Stephen: YES.
YES, SHE'D DRINK IT BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY WATER SHE HAS.
JUST LIKE SHE'S ONLY TALKING TO YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONLY
PRESIDENT WE'VE GOT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SHE DOESN'T HAVE A CHOICE!
SHE WISHES THE PRESIDENT WASN'T SO DIRTY.
AND TRUMP DID TAKE TIME TO THANK THE FIRST RESPONDERS.
>> A LOT OF PEOPLE GOT TO SEE THE REAL COAST GUARD DURING
THIS INCREDIBLE TROUBLE.
AND ESPECIALLY, I THINK, HERE, AND IN TEXAS.
WAS INCREDIBLE WHAT THEY DID.
SO THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WE APPRECIATE IT, REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING ON BEHALF OF YOUR MEN AND WOMEN?
>> SIR, I'M REPRESENTING THE AIR FORCE.
>> NO, I KNOW THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: ON.
>> YE, NO, LOOK, LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE THE AIRFARE FORCE.
I ONLY SAID 'COAST GUARD' AND POINTED AT YOU BECAUSE WHEN YOU
THINK ABOUT IT, WHAT IS THE AIR BUT THE COAST OF THE SKY THAT
YOU ARE GUARDING?
WHO WANTS PAPER TOWELS?
ANY?
ANY WANT-- THERE YOU GO.