- Oh just one second Celeste
I'm almost ready for you.
Did you see the series finale of Game of Thrones?
(Chair scraping)
- Hold that for me
Sure did!
♪ Gay Of Thrones Theme ♪
- So at the beginning
of the last episode of Game of Thrones
of all time ever
that anyone will ever see in their entire
F-ing
G D Lives
Oh My God!
- Ever ever
- It is literally raining men
Women and Children.
So King's Landing looks like a
burnt
Cinnamon sugar poptart.
Like, I'm still gonna eat it,
but it's so sad!
- I know and I totally understand,
even though I have no idea what a Pop Tart is.
- Oh, a Pop Tart is this gorgeous, processed,
square of like sugar and icing
I've been eating family sized boxes of Pop Tarts
like it's going out of style
since i was about 4 years old.
Actually,
when I was a little boy,
I got fat shamed and bullied
because I ate both my Pop Tarts at the exact same time.
I didn't take them out one at a time,
I'd just (Chomping Sound)
and then this f*cking evil woman was like,
you know what?
At our house
we eat one Pop Tart at a time.
- F*ck her!
- Sorry Robin!
- I hate Robin, I bet she has a friend called Karen
and this is a whole other series about
Karen and Robin fat shaming young boys.
- Uh!
and I love that Poor Little Baby Surf Bum
will not let a little dragon fire
ruin his beach day.
- Oh god I love that guy, he's all,
I bought these Billabong shorts
and I'm gonna wear em today goddammit!
So then Baby Barack Obama and Jon Snow are having
creative differences about how to decorate
King's Landing post war.
Jon Snow wants grey slate floors,
whereas Baby Barack Obama wants a pop of red.
(Giggle)
(Sound of throats being slit)
So then,
Mayor Pete goes Lara Crofting in the crypt
and after a little bit of scooping
he finds the worst toy in the bottom of the cereal box
- To be honest, it kinda hit my heart a little bit
because I though they were being really selfless
because they died where they were buried, you know?
It's like driving yourself to the airport.
- So then we find Jon Snow
who's walking the white carpet at the Met Gala
when he finds Christina Aguilera
who's serving looks in front of the Instagram trap mural
and she is munching up those likes.
And then we find Queen Christina from this
backwards lit vantage point honey,
and she's looking fierce
in her challah bread braids.
And then, right in the middle of her Killadictorian speech
Mayor Pete stops out from backstage
and boldly declares that he is
over this enamel pin trend.
- Absolutely, it was a metaphor
for the way i'm living my life right now
with f*cking detox tea.
I wanna take it off,
I wanna f*cking throw it down the stairs.
- And then,
Baby Kill Bill Scooby Doos up to Jon Snow
with absolutely no warning
and spills the obvious tea.
- [Arya] I know a killer when I see one.
- Christina's a murderer?
Oh really, where did you read that?
www.noshit.duh ?
- You know what would blow my hair back?
If you can find one person in that town
that isn't a murderer.
- And then, Jon Snow goes to visit Mayor Pete in Shaw-stank
and they have a dueling,
rustic,
inspirational
sign battle.
- [Tyrion] Did you bring any wine?
- [Jon] Aye it's easy to judge when your standing far from the battlefield.
- Love is the death of duty.
- Sometimes...
duty is the death of love.
So then,
in the final episode of Game of Thrones,
Christina's sussing out her new condo
complete with open concept throne room.
She's just about to have a little sit down
when her neph boo rudely interrupts her
with just a teeny, tiny, little note on her job performance.
- [Jon] Have you been down there?
Have you seen?
Children!
Little children burned!
- But Unbeknownst to Christina,
Jon has one
final
point to make.
[Both] NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
- Oh my god, wasn't it so sad that
that dragon thought that the chair stabbed his mum!
(Dragon Fire Roars)
- And then he comes and scoops up his dead mom in his foot
and they make like Jen-aay
so they can fly far far away from here.
So flash forward to about 3 weeks later.
Mayor Pete's about to get out on bail
but first,
he's gotta convince all of the glam squad of Westeros
to get their sh*t together and elect a new leader.
- [Tyrion] If we choose you,
will you wear the crown?
Will you lead the Seven Kingdoms to the best of your abilities
from this day until your last day?
- [Bran] Why do you think I came all this way?
- So, just to get this straight,
there are qualified women sitting up there,
yet they elect a baby goth pet psychic?
As King?
Yes?
- Yes!
- Great.
- [Tyrion] All hail Bran The Broken
[All] All hail Bran The Broken
- They are out of control with that nickname.
So what if he can't walk?
That does not mean he's broken.
he can literally put his mind into any animal.
Fly everywhere.
He can see the past,
and the future,
which literally fist f*cks
Eckhart Tolle right up the ass
cause honey he's more than present,
he's everywhere.
- So, why don't they just call him Bran
It's his name.
- Uh!
Yes!
Unnecessary nicknames are so
obnoxious
Anyway,
Sansa Fierce is not feeling it at all.
Her hair is pulled
super tight
and she's pressing pause
and voting for Brexit honey!
- [Sansa] The North will remain an independant kingdom
- Uh!
and poor Jon Snow, he's
down his aunt girlfriend
and he's lost his self care kit.
He's looking rode hard and put away yuck.
But one shower and a fur cape later,
he is back in business
and business
is
boner.
- Ah, it's Jizz-mas Eve
and you only get to open one present
and you better believe your present is
that d*ck.
- Jon Snow?
More like i'm about to be your Jon Ho.
- Ah
you can call me auntie
but just don't call me late for that d*ck.
- Oh b*tch, I'm ready to see him Stark....
Naked
- Jon Snow
coat my guts
with that d*ck.
- Jon Snow I think you're extremely attractive
and I want you to f*ck me
[Both] With
that
d*ck.
- It is a reminder to straight men
everywhere
that they are just 10 extra grooming minutes
away from being as hot
as Kit Harrington.
Maybe 15.
A solid 20 minutes.
- Meanwhile, back at the public library,
Tilda takes it upon herself
to edit Brother D's Wikipedia page.
Um,
so Brother D fell in love with a super hot
tall, smart,
independent woman,
legs for days,
made sweet love to her for the first time in her supple young life,
but couldn't handle the snap of her sweet pussy,
so he crawled back to his skanky ex.
SORRY I COULDN'T MAKE YOU CUM LIKE YOUR SISTER
JAIME YOU GOLD FISTED LOSER!
So,
then I guess that's it.
The end.
No more , it's over.
Sansa Fierce has been crowned Miss Winterfell USA,
Baby Kill Bill is off to Explore-ah like Dora,
and Jon Snow is reunited with his gorgeous dog Beethoven.
Say what you will
about this beloved series and how it all came to an end
but these stories that have brought us all together
to just recap and chat
have been some of the most amazing fun times
in my little baby gay life
- I know.
I haven't really watched it.
- B*tch, what are we gonna do with this hair today?
- I think we need to just cut it all off.
- Wow, this is serving me
ruling on the Iron Throne realness.
- Oh my god I know right.
Why the f*ck didn't I wear this to my wedding?
Hey, have you ever seen This Is Us?
Where are
- My dragons?
(Muffled Yelling)
- [Tan] How many years have we been stuck in this egg?
- [Antoni] Like Six?
A Hundred?
I stopped counting!
- [Bobby] How does Jonathan not know where we are?
He has been carrying this egg around for years.
- [Karamo] Don't lose hope guys.
Once Jonathan accepts
he's the true Mother of Dragons,
He'll sit on us,
snap, crackle, pop, and we're out of here.
- I can't wait
I'll be free to wear all the simple elegant tees I can find.
- Then you'll ah...
- French tuck.
- No no no, like...
King's Landing Tuck
- You know guys, I don't think we would be quite so anxious to leave
If I could get my hands on some nice, cotton,
Peruvian pillows
and the cement tiles I could put everywhere
(Tapping)
- Oh!
There's my little baby dragons!
Don't worry, i'll get you guys out of there faster
than an angry Game of Thrones fan
rushes to Twitter.
- [All] Thanks Jonathan!
(Kissing Sounds)
♪ Dance Music ♪