- I'm Rebecca O'Neal, y'all,
and I am trying to get my shit together.
(audience cheering)
Trying, trying, thank you.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Mark me down as having tried.
Anybody else in here trying to get your shit together?
(audience cheering)
Okay.
Oh, somebody's like, "Not I."
You just be perfect already, I like that.
Okay, clap it up with this perfect individual here.
(audience clapping)
Me, though, me, myself, personally,
I'm trying to get my shit together.
I had this moment where I realized,
we're all on earth, right,
just eating each other's asses and catching coronavirus, so.
I'm like, "Baby girl, switch some things up,"
so I'm getting my shit together.
I stopped eating red meat,
I stopped drinking coffee, I started working out,
I cut all my shirts into crop tops.
I don't know what the hell's going on, y'all.
You know that moment
where you realize you've gotta change something,
but you don't know what you gotta change,
so you're just trying shit?
That's where we are right now.
Just choose your own adventure,
I don't know what is up, but we're doing it.
My personality's gotten weird,
I was locked in the house for a long time.
And I'm an extrovert,
you can't lock an extrovert in the house.
Like, I'm having shower arguments every single day.
I'm losing some of them, but I don't.
(audience laughing)
I think every essential worker is my friend
'cause they gotta talk to me and listen.
(audience laughing)
Now I know that gender is both
a construct and a spectrum, but-
- Whoo!
- But I know now that if I was a man,
I'd be the type of man like,
"No, this stripper love me."
(audience laughing)
It's sad, y'all, it's sad.
I'm a simp for human interaction, who knew?
(audience laughing)
Who knew?
I learned something about myself,
trying to get my shit together, though.
It's embarrassing.
I learned that all my friends I used to think were boring,
turns out they've just been making great decisions
this whole time.
(audience laughing)
And I'm like, "Oh, word,
'cause I thought you were like a dull bitch, turns out-
(audience laughing)
Turns out, you got impulse control, that's crazy."
(audience laughing)
I'm up here wondering why my life is like "Love & Hip Hop,"
meanwhile, the call is coming from inside,
"Ta-da, I did it."
(audience laughing)
I made these decisions.
Wow, wow.
I also deal with a little depression.
We're gonna normalize being a bad bitch with depression
because we out here, okay?
(audience cheering)
Representation matters.
I am a depressed extrovert though, that's unacceptable,
because my whole personality's like,
"Everybody check out how sad I am."
Don't nobody wanna do that.
(audience laughing)
I will get real with y'all, though.
Over the pandemic,
it's the first time in a long, long time,
I've thought about getting back on antidepressants, okay?
I haven't been on antidepressants in a decade,
I'm older than you think.
Do not ask, okay?
I told my friends this and they were really supportive,
they just had a few questions like,
"Okay, you were on antidepressants before,
what did it feel like?
Like, why do you want to get back on them?"
And I was honest,
"Being on anti-depressants feels like your brain
is being gentrified."
That's what it feels like, it really does.
'Cause like the property value has gone up,
but I don't recognize this place, like.
(audience laughing)
Where's the liquor store, you know what I'm saying, like?
Where's the liquor store?
Who picks the sidewalks?
"Finally, wow, okay, this is it."
There's white women jogging around my brain at night,
streets are dead.
(audience laughing)
Streets are dead.
I don't let depression stop my show, though.
Like, I insist on having a good time,
we insist on having fun.
(audience cheering)
Yeah.
I dressed like this, is all cap.
It's more like, I like to do colorful outfits,
where it's like poisonous tree pollen.
"Look at my color, stay the fuck away from me."
(audience laughing)
I meet a lot of men over the summer,
they see the outfit and they're like,
"Party girl, I understand this,"
Fast-forward to spooky season,
I'm like, "Surprise nigger, I'm depressed."
(audience laughing)
Every year, like clockwork, I love it.
Because, here's the thing,
it's like an emotional mullet,
like sadness on the inside, party on the outside.
You feel me?
(audience laughing)
Okay?
And my style icon would appreciate this,
my style icon is like,
"What if Fran Drescher from 'The Nanny'
were broke and on SSRIs?"
I know you fuckers see it.
(audience laughing)
Okay, so over pandemic, I learned a few things about myself.
Number one, capitalism can't do it.
I reject-
(audience cheering) Yes.
I reject Hustle Culture all together.
Like, I don't wanna work hard.
Like, strong black woman,
I don't wanna do that shit no more.
(audience laughing)
Not me, not today.
So I am putting myself up for adoption.
(audience laughing)
Adopt me, I'm cute.
Literally, I don't wanna work hard anymore.
I don't wanna work any harder than like Cassie did
in the "Me & U" video.
(audience cheering)
If you're not familiar, get on the internet, okay?
Get on your closest internet, look up Cassie, "Me & U."
The and is an ampersand, the you is a letter U,
get it right, okay?
This is a genius, from about 15 years ago,
she came out with this song and video called "Me & U," okay?
The song has about five to six notes in it.
Cassie didn't bother giving us the whole octave.
Where's the MacArthur genius grant?
I like, literally?
She did one half a wardrobe change,
three-fourths of a spin, and collected a bag,
and I'm like, "I will live my life this way."
Like, this girl is an absolute genius.
Because if you think about it, under late capitalism,
any form of relaxation is resistance,
and that's what I'm gonna tell people
when I'm being lazy, so.
'Cause billionaires don't work hard.
Like, I learned that billionaires in the 1%,
don't work as hard as like essential workers
or the rest of us.
They call it the working class for a reason,
we busting our asses.
And I don't believe in billionaires if,
well, I believe billionaires are real.
Like, I don't think-
(audience laughing)
I don't think Elon Musk is like an urban legend or anything,
but like, I know it's not tooth fairy shit.
When I say I don't believe in billionaires,
I mean, like,
I don't believe that the methods you have to use
to like hoard that much wealth are ethical,
and I think they're inherently harmful to our society.
(audience clapping)
But, most of y'all are gonna stop clapping.
I don't think it's like a Bigfoot situation.
Oh, Bigfoot tangent, okay, um.
(audience laughing)
Bigfoot, real or fake?
- [Audience] Real!
- That's what I'm saying, okay.
So look.
(audience laughing)
If Bigfoot is real, just, follow me.
If Bigfoot is real,
we're the villains in Bigfoot's story.
If Bigfoot is the main character,
humans are the antagonist, because, okay,
just empathize with me real quick.
(audience laughing)
In your mind's eye, you're now Bigfoot, all right?
You're a Bigfoot, you're at home in the woods.
You're walking around your house, the woods, naked,
that's your prerogative as Bigfoot.
Next thing you know is six blurry pictures
of your ass in the news.
(audience laughing)
And people are on the World Wide Web, twitter fingers,
arguing about whether or not you're real.
And all I'm saying is,
"We're the villains in Bigfoot's story."
(audience laughing)
I'm just saying that's exactly what we did
to Britney Spears,
that's all I'm saying, that's all I'm saying.
(audience laughing)
I love Britney, don't groan.
She free now, okay, okay.
(audience laughing)
I believe, smoke a lot of weed,
to deal with my mental health problems.
- [Audience] Whoo!
- Yeah.
One of my favorite activities is to smoke weed
and watch science fiction movies at the very same time.
I love doing it.
I've watched so much sci-fi over this pandemic
that I've noticed some very alarming patterns.
First of all, every dystopian science fiction movie,
the plot is, "What if," now follow me on this.
"What if white people were oppressed?"
And I'm like, "Oh, wow!"
(audience laughing)
What if, okay?
Every single alien invasion movie was like, now hear me out.
(audience laughing)
"What if white people experienced colonization?"
Like, what?
(audience laughing)
Can you imagine such a far-fetched premise
as being oppressed and colonized?
So I watched that shit.
So I rolled up a fat one, I'm watching cable,
a few channels down in the TV guide, there's a movie on,
and the title of the movie is "Yo, Robot."
And I'm like,
"Absolutely, "Yo, Robot's" about to be amazing.
Like, I'm picturing it in my head.
Dystopian future, right?
Post-apocalypse.
Dirty teenagers in like dirty, like rags and shit,
being forced into categories, oppressed by the system.
"Yo, robot, protect me."
"I got you, little baby."
You know, all that shit.
(audience laughing)
Sepia tones, all of the above.
Here's the thing, though.
I turned on "Yo, Robot," super excited,
ready to watch this movie,
and tell me why "Yo, Robot" turns out
to be "I, Robot" in Spanish?
(audience laughing)
Will Smith, and everything,
it's the same movie, top to bottom.
(audience laughing)
And all I'm saying, "Who could've seem that coming?"
You know, not.
Not I, not yo, or whatever.
(audience laughing)
I'm not a polyglot, I didn't do my Duolingo, but, um.
Do you think I watched the entire movie?
- [Audience] Yes!
- Si, yes, I did.