- Hello there.
I'm Noah Grossman
and I'm about to meet my exes.
I'm excited because I know there's not many.
There's a very small list and of this small list,
we'll see who's here.
- [Producer] Is that a twerking baby on your shirt?
- Oh yes.
And you too can own twerking baby,
I love mayonnaise at smosh.store
- [Kimber] Wow.
Ow, ow!
Ow!
(Kimber cursing)
(beep) titties.
(crew snicker)
Ow.
Okay, legs for days.
- Do you want your phone?
(Noah laughs)
- Kimber. Yeah?
- Did you almost forget my name?
- I wanted to make sure.
(Noah laughs)
I'm not very good with names.
- It's probably all the weed you're eating!
(crew laughs)
(Patrick laughs)
- There he is! There he is.
(Patrick grunts)
Noah M. Grossman.
M for moneymaker.
Yeah!
(Patrick laughs)
Yeah!
Patrick Fontaine, Fontaine Talent.
My youth division, Fontaine of Youth.
(crew laugh and clap)
This guy used to be my MJ.
I knew if I sent him in the room: slam dunk, booked.
Booked!
I can't even tell you how much money I made off this kid.
Incredible!
Nickelodeon, commercials.
(crew and Noah laugh)
(Noah spits)
- [Noah] Who else would it be?
- You know who it is?
- That is right, I do.
- What's my name?
- Keisha?
- Keitcha.
(crew laughs)
- Keitcha? Keitcha.
- I switched it.
(all laugh)
- The name is Keitcha.
- There he is!
There he is, there he is.
A freaking unit, look at him he's still a unit. Look it.
(Noah laughs)
He's still buff. Stand up, give 'em a spin.
Come on, let me see, let me see.
Oh, oh yes, yes.
Ugh, still so strong.
Bring it in papa.
(Brody groans)
- [Noah] Oh my goodness!
- [Brody] So good to see you.
- Wow!
- So good to see you. Hi!
- It's wonderful.
- Yeah it's me, Brody.
- Brody! Brody. How could I forget Brody?
- Brody Builder.
- Yep, Brody Builder!
- I'm your personal fitness trainer.
- Yeah, of course.
Yeah. You brought the whole- You brought the gym with you.
- As a reminder.
- [Noah] Yeah.
- It's just a reminder for you.
(crew and Noah laugh)
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- What initially attracted you to me?
- Your daddy.
- My dad?
- Your daddy.
- My daddy.
So you started dating me to get closer to my dad?
- Forbidden love.
They say, don't go chasing Nigerian Falls.
(crew laughs and Noah spits)
- I was hosting a talent workshop
at the Westfield mall in Santa Clarita.
(Noah and crew laugh)
You know, I'm having kids come up.
I'm having them, you know, do reads.
I'm helping them get on Disney Channel, which is what I do.
(crew laughs)
And I look across and I see this kid.
I mean, I would say more than a kid, a star.
You know, the presence.
You were on the second story, I remember,
and I just, I stop in the middle of my workshop.
I just go, "Hey! Get down here."
(crew laughs)
And you were scared
and your mom was trying to get you rushed out.
And I was like, "No, bring him back!
Get that kid down here,
I'm gonna get him on Nickelodeon!"
And you know what? You read.
All the other kids in that talent workshop,
they were like, "Oh my (beep) God.
That's how we're supposed to do it."
And you did it.
And I knew that we were gonna sail into the clouds.
And we did. And we did.
(Noah laughs)
And we did.
(crew laughs)
- I'll never forget.
You were like the only white guy at black church.
(crew laughs)
Seeing you there amongst all those black guys, and you know,
like I have never seen a white guy give God
the glory the way that you did.
It was nice. (crew laughs)
It was really impressive.
You kep' up, you kep' up.
- I really liked the drummer.
(crew and Keitcha laugh)
(Noah laughs) - Me too.
- When you first walk into my dojo,
that's what I call Planet Fitness, my dojo.
(Noah laughs)
When you first walked in
and I saw you so negative about yourself, big, sad eyes.
And what'd I say to you?
I said by the time we're done,
you're gonna be able to say three positive things
about yourself.
And now you can, I bet.
(Noah laughs)
- You're right.
- I bet you could say three positive things about yourself.
Go ahead.
- Love the mind. - Love the mind!
- Small the abs. - Small more abs, yes.
- And-
- Powerful (beep).
- (laughing) Powerful (beep), yeah.
(crew laughs)
- (beep) powerful (beep).
- What would you say is my biggest flaw?
What can I work on?
- All you did was, you know,
you would just eat Cheerio water, weed, and you know,
I just needed to be with a big man.
Like, you were just so malnutritioned
and I'm just a really sweet small girl.
And I just need to be with someone,
a man, who can donate gallons of blood.
(Noah laughs)
- Your biggest flaw is honestly
that you didn't see your own abilities.
I would be sending you out for roles,
and you're like, I can't do that.
Dennis Rodman, biopic.
I said, you got this.
(crew and Noah laugh)
And you said, I'm not right for this.
And I said, "Noah, get in the room, show 'em what you got.
Change their minds. And you know what?
Maybe you're not right. Fine.
You're maybe not Dennis Rodman, but Scotty Pippin."
(Noah and crew laugh)
You never know!
And you limit yourself.
Listen, listen.
I just got a call last week from Dennis Trachtenberg.
And he says they're casting the new Power Rangers.
I don't know which ones, I don't care,
but I'll send you off for all of them.
(Noah and crew laugh)
- You were broke.
(all laugh)
I mean, at church we had to raise money for you.
It was very embarrassing.
Yeah, like you're a grown man who eats McDonald's.
Like grow the (beep) up.
- Hey, McDonald's has some good deals.
Two for $3.50 or two for $6.
- Well, one day you have to grow up, Noah.
You know, one day.
- I grew up, I now eat a Big Mac.
(all laugh)
- Oh my God.
- That's easy.
Your squats.
- My squats, you're right.
- Yeah.
I brought bands.
(crew laugh)
- (laughing) Thank you.
- Brought bands for the squats.
- For me?
- Yeah, for sure.
- Oh my goodness, thank you!
- Around your legs, come on let's do one.
- Okay. - I'll spot ya.
Turn around.
(crew laugh)
Up up up.
And remember what we call these-
Face that way.
Imma squat you so you don't fall.
Remember what we say when we do a squat, right?
We call 'em embarrassing squats.
(crew laughs)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Embarrassing squat. - Embarrassing squats.
- So as you do a squat.
When you come up, you...
say a real thing you're embarrassed about.
(all laugh)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Embarrassing squats, embarrassing squats.
- You ready?
- Yeah yeah yeah.
- Okay. And down. (Noah groans)
And come on up.
I've got a foot fetish.
(all laugh)
You didn't say a thing.
Let's do another one, let's do another one.
I won't say the embarrassing thing.
This time you say a real thing, you Noah,
that you're embarrassed about
and don't worry about the cameras.
(crew laugh)
Okay? It's just me, you, and the glutes, ready?
And down.
And a real thing you're actually embarrassed about.
- This exact moment.
(all laugh)
- Why did we break up?
- I just, I hated your brothers.
I hated them.
I sent them photos of my feet and they told me to stop!
(Noah snickers)
Like so rude, you should beat them up. Metaphorically.
- Metaphorically.
- I'm seducing you right now.
- It's working. The toe mole is really working.
- I can put my body into different shapes.
- (laughing) Like this one. What do you call this one?
- S.
- (laughing) S wow. S.
- E.
(Noah laughs)
- X.
(crew laughs)
- Why?
- Did you leave me?
(crew laughs)
- I mean, like, I'm surprised you don't remember, man.
'Cause you called me up one day and you said,
"Hey I got this job on a YouTube channel."
And I'm like, "YouTube, what are you? A (beep) loser?"
(Noah and crew laugh)
That's for nerds, all right?
We're big time.
I know it might have been just an excuse
to get away from me.
Maybe you find different representation.
I was still working at CAA for a while.
I got dropped from them for reasons.
I don't understand.
But I know I burned a lot of bridges, but that's nature.
You burn bridges so that better ones grow back.
(crew laugh)
- Smart. Smart. (crew laughs)
- I hear you're doing great things. That's awesome.
But I'm new and improved.
Fontaine Talent is at the peak.
I'm casting kids in all sorts of stuff.
I talked with Dean Norris Howard Johnson
earlier this morning.
(Patrick laughs)
- Yeah?
- Dune Two.
You wanna be a sand worm rider?
- (laughing) Yeah, I do! (crew laugh)
- They need 'em. They're asking me.
They're like, they're like,
"Pat, we need sand worm riders for Dune Two!"
- You think I'm good for that?
- Yes, Noah.
I look at you and I say that guy, put him on a sand worm.
(crew and Noah laugh)
- Because we were at black church
and I found out that you were Jewish.
It really confused me.
It confused me 'cause you were broke.
(all laugh)
Jewish and broke do not go hand in hand,
so I was really confused.
You gotta talk about that 'cause you know,
I just decided to end it.
(Noah laughs)
- That's true. And I'll tell you what I might be broke but-
- But what?
- Never mind.
- Say it. I wanna hear it. Like I'm here for a reason.
- There's nothing else, I'm just broke.
(Keitcha laughs)
There's nothing else.
I wanna say thank you though, for, you know, sharing.
- Welcome.
(crew laughs) (Noah spits)
For what?
- For you sharing all those experiences with me.
Like sharing church and-
- Black church.
- Sharing black church.
- [Keitcha] Mm hmm.
- I've been to black church
and I've been to white church maybe twice.
- Which is better?
- Black church.
- Wah! You crazy.
- It's what happens.
It happens a lot in my line of work,
but not as quickly as that happened with you.
You hit peak physical form.
(crew laughs)
This is what you should look like.
Like let's see a flex.
Look at that, like a cheerleader's bicep. Strong!
(Noah laughs)
Strong! And look at the jawline.
Hiding it behind that beard,
but we know it's there.
(crew laughs)
I rip that beard off quick like Velcro.
And what will we see? A strong chin.
Like who? Like a cartoon character.
(all laugh)
- Did you keep any secrets from me while we were together?
- Can I have my tele... phone?
I wrote you a poem.
- Oh my goodness, thank you. Can I listen?
- So you wanna play with magic?
Boy, you should know what you're falling for.
Baby do you dare to do this?
'Cause I'm coming at you like a dark horse.
Are you ready for, ready for?
A perfect storm.
'Cause once you're mine, once you're mine,
there's no going back.
- Wow.
I believe that's an original song by you.
- Yeah, I wrote it.
(Noah laughs)
- You wrote Katy Perry's Dark Horse.
(crew laughs)
- Who's that?
(Noah laughs)
- Fine. Fine!
I couldn't get you in the room for Stranger Things.
I said, "Oh, they're not looking for someone your type."
They were looking for someone exactly like you
and I lied and I said yike-
I couldn't. I just couldn't get ahold of 'em!
So I'm sorry I couldn't get you on Stranger Things.
That's my bad.
Stranger Things?
Nothing. Nothing compared to what I can get you on now.
- Like what? What role?
What role's bigger than in Stranger Things?
- What role's bigger than Stranger Things?
- Yeah.
- Okay. I talked with Barbara Fargus.
I said, "Barbara, what's going on in Hollywood?
I need the inside scoop."
And she says, "Well, speaking of scoop,
they're making a live action Paw Patrol."
But they want people to play the dogs like in Cats.
You'd get into a morph suit, you'd be the dog.
I'm hearing it's gonna be just like Squid Game times two.
(crew and Noah laugh)
- We have a baby together.
Can, can I get the baby? Noah Jr!
Ohh! Hey baby, hey baby this is your daddy.
Look, he's actually a good man.
(Noah laughs)
Oh my God, she wants to breast feed.
- Keitcha, that's my baby?
- This is your baby.
Look at him, he's so beautiful.
- Yeah no I, I see.
Yeah, it's so beautiful.
Keitcha, we broke up in 2017.
- Oh. - [Keitcha] Pfft.
- We've been raising her together.
- [Keitcha] Your wig's slipping.
- (laughing) Did you just throw your toenails at me?
- [Kimber] Hi Keitcha.
- Bye, pfft.
(crew laughs and claps)
- This is a, this is a crazy secret.
You've been keeping a child from me you've been raising.
- Yes!
- With Kimber?
- Yes. We actually do enjoy each other a lot.
- [Kimber] I love you, baby!
- I love you too, baby.
(crew and Noah laugh)
- Not one
- Not one.
- Not a single secret.
- Get- Come closer.
I could come closer to you.
- Yeah, better.
(crew laughs)
- Look me in the eyes.
Not a single secret.
(crew laughs)
Not one secret.
If I kept one secret
I used to put steroids in your water bottle, but that's it!
(Noah laughs)
- That's it! Come down to my level.
(crew laughs)
Look me in the eyes. Look me in the eyes.
Not a single secret.
- [Noah] Not one?
- Except for the water bottle one,
and also I don't technically work at Planet Fitness,
but that's it!
(Noah and crew laugh)
- No other secrets!
Look me in the eyes, no other secrets.
- [Noah] Just those two?
- Sometimes I peek in the locker room. That's it, though!
That's the last secret!
No other secrets.
(crew and Noah laugh)
- Thank, thank you.
- Did you keep any secrets?
- I knew about the steroids in the water.
- (laughing) Thick.
- It was just-
(crew and Noah laugh)
If you had the last word in our relationship,
what would it be?
- Don't put your eggs in one casket.
- Pfft. I think I snotted a little.
- Oh my limousine is here.
- This is your limousine?
- See, this is a real man
who can donate 300 gallons of blood!
- Wow.
(Noah laughs)
Bye-bye Kimber.
I hope-
- Bye sweetie.
- Goodbye. Ooh, dodged a bullet.
- I would say you wanna do this?
I would say, do you wanna do this?
(Noah laughs)
We're gonna do this. Okay?
- Okay.
- You ready to be a star? - Yeah.
- You're a (beep) star! - [Noah] (beep).
- Say it! You're a (beep) star!
- I'm a (beep) star. - You're a (beep) star!
- I'm a (beep) star! - You're a (beep) star!
- [Noah] That's right, man! - Yeah!
- (beep) yeah! - Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yes!
I'm gonna order juice, do you want a juice?
I'm on this cleanse right now.
(Noah and crew laugh)
Hold on I just got a text from Jackson Flimsinson
from the CDC, he says I'm positive for COVID.
(crew laughs)
- (beep) oh (beep). Damn.
- Big things, Noah. Big things.
- Thanks, Pat!
- Do I walk over here?
I'm over here now.
(crew and Noah laugh)
- Thanks Patrick.
- [Patrick] You got it, Noah.
(laughing) I'm still here.
- Patrick?
- [Patrick] I'm with you in spirit at all times.
- Oh (beep).
- That's right, I did a retreat.
I did a retreat in Barstow.
They put me in a glass house for seven days
and I lost my (beep) mind,
but now I can astral project everywhere
- (beep) (beep) man.
You've got the last word.
- The last word, well, not for me.
- Let's sesh soon. Pastor Johnson?
- Mm hmm. I didn't have much to say to you,
but he still wants to hangout with you.
- (laughing) Pastor Johnson?
- Yes, yes. Pastor Johnson.
- (laughing) Pastor Johnson makes me uncomfortable.
- He asks about you every Sunday, I'm sorry.
- Are you sure this isn't Pastor Johnson's?
(Keitcha snickers)
- Well, we could go to Maury.
(all laugh)
- [Noah] (laughing) We could go to Maury.
- We'll go and take a test.
- Thank you.
(crew laugh)
I'm gonna give this to you.
(Noah and crew laugh)
Bye Keisha.
- [Keitcha] Keitcha.
- (laughing) Keitcha. Bye Keitcha.
Off to heaven.
- I never want this moment to end.
- [Crew] Aww.
- And I miss you.
And honestly it's a little (beep) up that you left,
'cause like what am I gettin' outta bed for now? You know?
(Noah laughs)
- Friggin' turds that come in. They don't care.
They have no positive things to say about themselves.
So I guess if I'd say anything is I'm gonna follow you home.
(crew laughs)
- All right.
I'm gonna request that Brody be escorted out.
- Great, yeah, let's. You could escort me if you want.
- Yeah, no, not me, but we'll-
- [Brody] Yeah. Oh, okay. Okay.
- We we'll watch them leave the premises, right.
- All right, great. - We'll make sure-
- The three of us can go.
- No, no. (crew laughs)
- [Noah] No, it's gonna be- - The three of us'll go.
- [Noah] He's gonna be- Thank you so much.
- You'll meet me out there?
- Thank you. Yes!
- What color is your car again?
- Black.
- Okay, that's not a great identifier, but okay.
(all laugh)
- That was Noah Grossman meets his exes.
If you wanna see more videos like this, you know what to do.
Show your support-
- Or if you wanna see Noah on the next big Freeform show
because I have a lunch with Betty Claxon tomorrow.
(Noah laughs)
- [Kimber] You should metaphorically take care of your baby.
- Okay. I'll make sure to.
Comment if you wanna see anyone else's exes show up.
- And let's see if it's a workout.
You know, we wanna see more exes.
We wanna see 'em work out.
- Let's all do an embarrassing squat, yeah?
- That's right.
- Yeah, let's all do one together.
- [Noah] Okay.
- Everybody down.
(Kimber moans)
- And everybody say something really embarrassing
about themselves for real. Head up.
I farted. - [Kimber] I'm hot, I'm sexy.
- [Noah] I can hardly walk.
- It's the happiest I've ever been.
- (laughing) Thank you.