HEY, GUYS, LONGER DAYS ARE COMING, GUYS.
WE'RE "SPRINGING FORWARD" THIS WEEKEND, SO DON'T FORGET TO SET
YOUR CLOCKS AHEAD. WAIT, DO WE EVEN HAVE TO SAY
THAT ANYMORE? WHAT'S THE POINT.
OUR PHONES AUTOMATICALLY CHANGE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
FOLKS AUTOMATICALLY DP THERE, IT'S NOT LIKE EVERYONE'S
APARTMENT HAS A WALL OF CUCKOO CLOCKS.
A LOT OF PEOPLE HATE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME.
WHERE GO YOU FALL ON IT. >> WHATEVER, IT IS A LITTLE
SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE OF MARCH WHERE YOU ARE LIKE OH, ALL
RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, IT'S FINE.
>> James: I WILL MISS THE HOUR, BUT I DO LIKE IF A LITTLE
LEITNER THE EVENING. >> IT'S GREAT.
>> James: THAT IS THE TRUTH, I JUST NOTICED T-SHIRTS. AND IT
HAS TAKEN MOVE THE WIRE THERE, PETE T SAYS I THINK, THEREFORE
I'M HORNY. (APPLAUSE).
>> James: SEE WHAT HE IS DOING FOR THE CREW, SCOTTY, STILL
NOTHING. LOOK, SPEAKING OF TIME, WE CAN
DELAY TIME NO LONGER BECAUSE IT'S THAT TIME.
IT'S TIME FOR THE NEWS. HIGH-LEVEL TALKS BETWEEN RUSSIA
AND UKRAINE TOOK PLACE TODAY BUT ACCORDING TO REPORTS, THEY
ENDED WITH NO BREAKTHROUGHS. THEY MET IN TURKEY. IT'S JUST
NICE TO SEE RUSSIA GOING SOMEWHERE THEY'RE ACTUALLY
INVITED. I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE HOW STRANGE
THESE MEETINGS MUST BE. IT'D BE LIKE TRYING TO HAVE A
CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE WHO'S ACTIVELY SETTING YOUR HOUSE ON
FIRE. DO THEY GET THERE AND THERE IS
SMALL TALK, THAT RUSSELL WILSON TRADE IS
CRAZY. ANYWAYS, WOULD LOVE IT IF WE COULD PUMP THE BRAKES ON THE
WHOLE 'INVASION THINGY.'" MOVING ON, NEW LABOR DEPARTMENT
NUMBERS RELEASED THIS MORNING SHOW THAT INFLATION INCREASED
NEARLY 8% OVER THE PAST YEAR, THE SHARPEST SPIKE SINCE 1982.
I CAME TO AMERICA TO TELL JOKES AND DANCE.
SING IN SING IN A CAR. NOBODY TOLD ME I'D HAVE TO
BECOME AN EXPERT ON KEY MACRO-ECONOMIC INDICATORS.
INFLATION IS A REAL PROBLEM. AND THE WORST THING ABOUT IT IS
THAT, UNLIKE COVID, IT WILL NOT GET YOU OUT OF A DINNER PARTY.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM. LIKE OH, FRIDAY, INFLATION.
I HAVE GOT TO-- AN ABUNDANCE OF INFLATION, I WILL HAVE TO CAN
EL. THE T.S.A. ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT
THEY ARE EXTENDING ITS MASK MANDATE FOR PLANES AND PUBLIC
TRANSPORTATION UNTIL APRIL EIGHTEENTH, WHICH IS A MONTH
LONGER THAN PLANNED. ALTHOUGH SPIRIT AIRLINES
CONTINUES TO STAND FIRM ON ITS POLICY OF "NO SHIRT, NO SHOES,
NO PROBLEM." THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THE
I KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN, IT WILL END UP WITH AIRLINES CHARGES US
A FEE TO GO MASKLESS. THAT IS WHAT THEY WILL DO.
AND THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF BITTER IN-FIGHTING WITHIN THE
DEMOCRATIC PARTY LATELY, SO FOR THE NEXT TWO DAYS, HOUSE
DEMOCRATS WILL BE AT A TEAM-BUILDING RETREAT IN
PHILADELPHIA. SPRING BREAK, WOOOOOO!
PROGRESSIVES AND MODERATES ARE AT ODDS OVER FUNDAMENTAL
DIFFERENCES. BUT HOPEFULLY THEY CAN SMOOTH THIS WHOLE THING OUT
WITH A GOOD KARAOKE DUET OF "DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'."
THEY'RE IN PHILLY. PERSONALLY, I THINK THIS IS
GREAT. I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER PLACE
TO FOSTER UNITY THAN IN THE CITY WHOSE FOOTBALL FANS FAMOUSLY
BOOED SANTA CLAUS AS THEY PELTED HIM WITH SNOWBALLS.
NOT ON TOPIC DID YOU DO SOMETHING NEW TO YOUR HAIR.
>> James: YEAH, I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
>> IT LOOKS FANTASTIC, IT LOOKS GREAT.
>> Reggie: YOU LOOK GREAT. >> James: FROM THE FRONT.
>> YEAH. >> Reggie: YOU LOOK GOOD WITH
A BOLO. >> James: WITH A BOLO, I
SHOULD HAVE A BOLO TIE. >> Reggie: YEAH, WITH THAT
HAIR. >> James: LET'S GO ONE STEP AT
A TIME, SHALL WE? IS IT HIGHER THAN NORMAL.
>> YOUNG PATRICK SWAZY VIBES OVER HERE.
>> James: LOTS OF PEOPLE SAYING THAT.
>> YEAH >> James: AND DID EVERYBODY HEAR
ABOUT THIS? SHORTLY AFTER DONALD TRUMP'S
PRIVATE JET WAS FORCED TO LAND THE OTHER DAY DUE TO ENGINE
FAILURE, HIS POLITICAL ACTION COMMITTEE SENT OUT AN EMAIL
ASKING FOR CASH TO FUND A NEW AIRPLANE.
AN AIRPLANE TRUMP IS CALLING "TRUMP FORCE ONE."
HE'S BEGGING PEOPLE FOR CASH SO HE CAN GET A NEW AIRPLANE.
YOU KNOW, JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER LEGITIMATE BILLIONAIRES
DO. WHO WOULD SEND MONEY, LIKE IF
YOU DEN-- IF YOU GET SCAMMED BY DONALD TRUMP AT THIS POINT,
THAT'S ON YOU, RIGHT? YOU KNOW, THIS IS GOING TO TURN
OUT, TRUMP FORCE ONE IS GOING TO BE A
HONDA ACCORD, WITH CARDBOARD WINGS GLUED TO IT.
AND THIS IS EXCITING, SPRING BREAK IS BACK!
WITH MASK RESTRICTIONS LIFTED AND COVID NUMBERS WAY DOWN, OVER
HALF A MILLION SPRING BREAKERS ARE EXPECTED TO HEAD TO FLORIDA
STARTING THIS WEEK. ALTHOUGH TO BE FAIR, IT'S
FLORIDA. THERE WERE NEVER ANY COVID RULES
THERE ANYWAY. BUT THIS IS GREAT, SPRING BREAK
IS BACK, COVID IS DOWN! NOW THE ONLY THINGS TO WORRY
ABOUT ARE SUNBURN, ALCOHOL POISONING, FOOD POISONING,
FALLING OFF A PONTOON BOAT, AND GONORRHEA.
DID YOU GO TO FLORIDA ON SPRING BREAK, ANYONE HERE GO TO FLORIDA
ON SPRING BREAK? >> WHOOO!
(APPLAUSE). >> James: I FEEL LIKE YOU
WENT, PETE, AND EMOTIONALLY YOU NEVER RETURNED.
>> James: AND THERE'S AN UNUSUAL DEBATE CAPTIVATING THE
INTERNET'S ATTENTION RIGHT NOW. HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS?
PEOPLE ARE SPLIT ON A PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION POSED IN
A VIRAL TWITTER POLL, ARE THERE MORE DOORS OR WHEELS IN THE
WORLD? ARE WE SURE REGGIE DIDN'T ASK
THIS ON SHOW 649? 46% VOTED FOR DOORS, WHILE 54%
VOTED FOR WHEELS. I DON'T WANT TO CONFUSE THINGS
ANY MORE THAN THEY ALREADY ARE BUT, CAN A REVOLVING DOOR COUNT
AS BOTH? WHAT DO WE THINK ABOUT THIS, WE
STARTED TALKING ABOUT THIS ON A ZOOM EARLIER.
AND I WOULD SAY IT RAMPED WITHIN FOUR SECONDS.
WHERE DO YOU STAND. >> DOORS, IT'S DOORS AND IT'S
NOT EVEN CLOSE. >> James: I AGREE.
>> 100 PERCENT DOOR Z. >> James: I THINK.
>> HUNDRED PERCENT WHEELS. >> James: EVERYONE IN THE ROOM
WHO THINK THERE ARE MORE DOORS IN THE WORLD?
OKAY. AND WHO THINKS THERE ARE PLOR
WHEELS? >> YEAH.
>> James: OKAY. THERE'S NO WAY THERE IS MORE
WHEELS, THERE IS NO WAY THERE IS MORE WHEELS, WHY IS THERE MORE
WHEELS. >> WHAT IS YOUR DEFINITION OF A
WHEEL. >> James: A WHEEL, THINGS THAT
ARE WHEELED, THAT ARE DRIVEN ON, JARED, HIT ME, YOU LOOK
PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS. >> FOR EVERY DOOR, A DOOR
CONSTITUTES THAT THERE HAS TO BE A ROOM, SO FOR EVERY ROOM THAT
MEAN THERE SAY CEILING, I FLOOR AND FOUR WALLS WHEREAS WHEEL INS
ARE THREE WHEELS RIGHT THERE FOUR WHEELS RIGHT THERE, THERE
HAS TO BE MORE WHEELS. >> Reggie: AGREED.
>> THANK YOU. >> AGREED.
>> James. >> I LIKE THAT.
>> James:-- JUST WENT. EVERY.
>> EVERY CUP BOARD HAS A DOOR. >> James: THAT'S A DOOR.
>> EVERY CLOSET HAS A DOOR. >> James: CLOSET DOOR.
>> WE'RE IN A WHEEL RICH VIMENT. >> NOT EVERY CLOSET, NOT EVERY
CLOSET, THEY HAVE WHEELS, SOME ROLL ON WHEELS.
>> MOST CLOSETS. MOSES CLOSETS.
>> James: AVA WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> EVERY HUMAN HAS TO-- LIKE LIVE WITH DOORS, AND YOU DO NOT
HAVE TO LIVE WITH WHEELS, SO JUST FROM A HUMAN PERSPECTIVE WE
RELY ON DOORS WAY MORE THAN WHEELS.
>> James: BUT THAT'S NOT THE QUESTION, ARE THERE MORE DOORS.
>> OUR DISTANCE REQUIRES MORE DOORS THAN WHEELS.
>> James: BECAUSE YOU COULD SAY, SOMEONE WOULD SAY A CAR HAS
GOT FOUR WHEELS YEAH, BUT A CAR HAS ALSO GOT FOUR DOORS.
>> NOT ALL OF THEM. >> YEAH, BUT NOT ALL.
>> SOME CARPS HAVE SPARE WHEELS. >> BUT WHEN YOU GO INTO A
BUILDING AND THERE'S LIKE 700 DOOR INS IT.
>> THERE ARE NO WHEELS IN THAT BUILDING.
>> BUT THERE IS A PARKING DAR AGE OUTSIDE OF IT WITH A TON OF
CARS WITH A LOT OF WHEELS ON IT. >> GUESS WHAT, ROB, I WALKED
THERE, HOW DID I WALK THERE, I LEFT THE HOUSE OUT OF A DOOR,
WENT OUT MY BEDROOM INTO MY BATHROOM OUT THE FRONT DOOR,
WALKED DOWN, I WILL PICK UP A NEWSPAPER, I WILL GO THROUGH
THIS DOOR, GET A NEWSPAPER, I ONE SIDE I WILL GO THROUGH THAT
DOOR GET TO THE BUILDING AND GO TO ANOTHER 85 DOORS TO GET TO MY
OFFICE. HAVE I NOT TOUCH AID WHEEL!
>> WHAT DID YOU SAY, PETE? >> YOU'RE SITTING ON FIVE
WHEELS. >> ACTUALLY TECHNICALLY EACH LEG
HAS TWO WHEELS, IT IS A TWO WHEEL CONFIGURATION PER LEG.
>> James: ALL RIGHT, FORGET IT.
LOOK AT ALL THE DOORS IN HERE, ROB.
LOOK AT THAT. LOOK AT THAT.
ONE, TWO, THREE, THAT'S-- THERE'S NOT A WHEEL
THIS THERE. THAT'S CHOCKED FULL OF DOORS.
OH, WHAT IS THAT, GOING TO CHINESE THEATER, HOW DO I GET IN
THERE THROUGH THESE WHEELS, NO THAT DOOR RIGHT THERE.
DOORS. DOORS,.
LOOK AT THAT. IT'S DOORS IN THERE, ROB.
I'M DONE WITH A A LOT OF YOU. >> Reggie: WHAT ABOUT MOTOR
HOMES, THEY'RE HOMES BUT THEY ALSO HAVE WHEELS.
>> James: YEAH, AND THOSE MOTORS HAVE GOT DOORS.
>> Reggie: YEAH, BUT MORE WHEELS THAN DOORS.
>> James: RIGHT. >> ALMOST EVERYTHING THAT
HAS-- . >> James: HANG ON A MINUTE,
GET OUT OF THE WAY, WATCH OUT. >> Reggie: OH, DAMN.
>> James: HANG ON, HANG ON, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THE JOE
BEN WINSTON, FIRST TIME ON THE STUDIO FLOOR IN SIX YEARS.
>> NO, NO, NO, NO. HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS EVEN A DISCUSSION.
IN THE WORLD THERE ARE 4.5 BILLION BUILDING.
THERE ARE ONLY 1.5 BILLION CARS. AND OF THOSE 1.5 BILLION CARS,
THE MAJORITY OF THEM HAVE FOUR DOORS, THIS IS ABSURD.
AND ROB, I'M ASHAMED OF YOU. >> James: ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
NEXT. >> OKAY.
>> James: ARE THERE MORE LIZARDS OR BIRDS.
GO. >> BIRDS.
>> IT'S LIZARD YOU [BLEEP] MORON.
DAM IT. >> BIRDS, MAN.
>> James: AND FINALLY >> James: AND FINALLY, HIDDEN
VALLEY HAS CREATED A DIAMOND FROM THEIR RANCH DRESSING
SEASONING. IT'S TRUE, THEY HEATED THE RANCH
SEASONING TO OVER TWO THOUSAND DEGREES, THEN CRUSHED IT BENEATH
FOUR HUNDRED TONS OF PRESSURE, AND THEN FIVE MONTHS LATER THEY
GOT THIS: I MEAN, THAT'S ONE WAY TO MAKE
SURE YOUR FIANCEEÉ CRIES WHEN YU PROPOSE.
ISN'T IT? THEY MADE AN ACTUAL DIAMOND OUT
OF HIDDEN VALLEY RANCH. WHICH REALLY MAKES YOU WONDER,
WHAT IS RANCH DRESSING? THEY EVEN MOUNTED THE DIAMOND ON
A BEAUTIFUL BAND, SO YOU COULD GIVE IT AS AN ENGAGEMENT RING.
IT'S THE PERFECT WAY TO SAY "I DO,
NOT EXPECT THIS RELATIONSHIP TO LAST."
AND THAT'S THE NEWS! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE