- Don't make me pull it out on you,
because I'll pull it out on you.
Oh I'll Louis CK you right here in a fucking heartbeat
BOOM (laughs)
- Someone's been busy today
- You're damn right I am, you know I saw a TED Talk
that said four hours a day, yeah, keeps you productive.
- Sounds like TED was talking about-
- Bullshit! Come on, man, I'm gonna stick my fist-
- Hello
- Hey
- You don't have to save the world today?
- (sigh) Baby you ain't gonna believe this,
oh my God this hurts to say it but, um,
the Justice League let me go again.
Apparently Superman thought that I was using poor judgment,
now let me explain something to you,
have you seen his costume?
Now that's poor judgment.
- You demolished another building again, didn't you?
- [Man] Yeah but just hear me out though,
there I was fighting with Hammer Fist.
All of a sudden,
he punches me through a building,
injuring dozens, killing six, impregnating three.
- Oh my God
- I know, oh my God is exactly
what I was thinking when they took away my hero endorsements
Yeah, my Captain Q plush dolls,
my signature banana hammock, my recurring role on Empire
as Cookie's secret lover Buck Johnson,
with that thing that hang all the way
to the floor, that's all gone.
- Did you file for unemployment?
- Nah, I ain't do that.
- Why not?
- Baby, are you not listening to me?
The building that I went through
was the unemployment office. Crazy.
- I hate to say this, but I think you should start
thinking about getting a regular job.
- A job?
- You know, just something part-time while you wait
for your next hero gig.
- Baby, I am a superhero, okay?
I gotta keep my feet to the ground, my head above water,
my boys to the men, you know what I'm saying?
I gotta keep my DV to the D - I get it
- My P to the V - Okay
- My H to the P to the V - All right
- Okay look, baby, listen to me,
I cannot sit in front of a computer screen all damn day
like you do, no offense, no offense I'm just saying.
- A lot of offense taken, okay?
My job is very important, I'm a Social Media Curator.
- Do you hear what you just said to me?
(laughs)
- It's so cute when you get angry.
Here's what you do for a living.
You make cat memes for an online video company.
- You love those cat memes.
- Yeah I do but they have no sense of comedic timing.
You understand? Me, I save lives.
There's levels to this, baby. There's levels.
- You also cause collateral damage.
(deep breath)
- I need a moment. Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Ow!
- I'm sorry
I shouldn't have said that.
- You know what you said, bitch.
- Are you crying? - No baby, I'm not crying okay
There's just something in my eye
from all that shade that's being thrown my way.
Why don't you just tell me how you really feel?
- I feel like you should get a job,
it's not like you get paid to fight crime anyway.
- Baby, I am a civil servant.
- Servant being the operative word.
There's no shame in getting a regular job.
- A regular job?
That's only gonna get in the way of my mission, baby.
- Clark Kent seems to handle working
at the Daily Bugle and being Superman.
- Okay you know what, it's the Daily Planet.
And also, that's bullshit okay?
Because that dude skips out on work
every single day to go fight crime.
Well I guess you can do that
when you're banging the lead reporter (laughs)
but that's none of my business now, is it?
- Look, baby, do me a favor okay? Support me.
- When have I not? I was the only person
who supported you and said you looked good in spandex
when black Twitter dragged you
saying you looked like Magic Johnson's son.
- Who, EJ?
That dude's sexy as fuck.
And you know I was experimenting
with Lycra fabrics, come on.
- Oh my god, look. If you're not gonna go to work,
why don't you consider selling this
rock thing you seized from a cult of doomsday worshippers?
- Oh, now you want me to sell the rock.
You want me on these streets selling rock to the community,
boys and little black boys and white boys and-
- This rock
- Oh, you mean the kryptonite
that I'm definitely NOT gonna use to kill Superman
because he had me fired from my job?
Yeah that's just research.
- It sounds like you're trying
to kill Superman with this rock.
- Who's asking?
- Stop