( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> HI!
HELLO!
THANK YOU!
VERY NICE!
WHOO, WHOO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IN ENGLAND, WE JUST GO, HMM...
( LAUGHTER ) REALLY NICE TO BE HERE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WHEN YOU GO COMEDY, WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS SET YOUR STOOL OUT
AT THE START BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, TO GET YOUR VIBE ACROSS BECAUSE
YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME AND THINKING, YEAH, SHE'S HOT BUT
WHAT'S HER VIBE, YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) SO I GUESS THE THING TO TELL YOU
ABOUT ME SO YOU GET MY VIBE IS A LITTLE WHILE AGO I PUT ON MAKEUP
TO SKYPE A BABY.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
I'M AT THE AGE NOW WHERE I NEED TO DIDE WHETHER I HAVE BABIES,
AND I DON'T KNOW, BECAUSE A YEAR AGO, I DIDN'T WANT KIDS AND NOW
I THINK, MAYBE I JUST HAVEN'T MET THE RIGHT KIDS.
( LAUGHTER ) MY NEPHEWS ARE COOL.
AT CHRISTMAS ONE OF MY NEPHEWS LEANS IN AND SAID DID YOU KNOW
THAT JESUS WAS A BOOK BEFORE HE WAS A FILM?
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN HE GOES, JUST LIKE
HARRY POTTER.
( LAUGHTER ) CUTE.
THE OTHER THING IS I HAVE BEEN IN A MAN BA FOR EIGHT YEARS.
I MEAN, WELL, THE THING IS FOR NOW, LET THE DOG SEE THE RABBIT.
THAT'S AN ENGLISH PHRASE, IMAGINE A DOG AND A RABBIT AND
YOU'RE HALFWAY THERE.
I WAS IN A MAN BAND AND I DID FANCY SKATE BOARDERS.
I THINK YOUR TASTE CHANGES AS YOU GET OLDER.
WHEN I WAS REALLY LITTLE, I WANTED TO MARRY MY DAD.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) I'M GLAD I DIDN'T BECAUSE
HE'S AGED REALLY BADLY.
( LAUGHTER ) SO YOUR TASTE DOES CHANGE
BECAUSE NOW THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR ME NOW IS KINDNESS,
AND OBVIOUSLY WHAT'S MORE FUNNY, YOU KNOWSOMEONE CREATIVE, BUT
NOT WITH THE TRUTH.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU NOTICE A GUY THAT -- YEAH,
MAYBE HE PLAYS THE GUITAR, BUT HE WAITS TO BE ASKED.
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK THERE'S A QUESTION, WE
WANT THEM TO BE NICE GUYS BUT THEY THINK WE WANT THEM TO EARN
MONEY AND HAVE MASSIVE STRONG.
SO I WANT MY OWN MONEY.
I'VE HAD A LOVELY TIME WITH SOME TINY ONES, ACTUALLY.
AND I THINK IT'S JUST A CASE OF HAVING A CAN-DO ATTITUDE.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, YEAH, LET THAT BE A LESSON
TO US ALL.
YEAH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHY NOT?
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
YEAH.
I'VE HAD A LOVELY TIME.
I THINK MEN THINK THAT WE'RE MORE BOTHERED ABOUT IT THAN WE
ARE BECAUSE I WAS TALKING TO MY FRIEND PHOEBE THE OTHER WEEK AND
SHE SAID I'VE HAD A LOVELY TIME WITH PEOPLE WITH NO PENISES.
I'M, LIKE, I THINK WE CALL THEM WOMEN, PHOEBE.
( LAUGHTER ) I WILL SAY THAT I THINK
EVERYONE'S WATCHING TOO MUCH PORN.
SORRY.
NOT THE FIRST TO SAY IT, I SUPPOSE, BUT THE REASON I THINK
THAT IS BECAUSE, BACK IN THE DAY, IF YOU GOT TOGETHER WITH
SOMEONE -- OKAY, WE'RE ALL FRIENDS NOW --
( LAUGHTER ) -- IF YOU GOT TOGETHER WITH
SOMEONE BACK IN THE DAY, THEY DIDN'T GO TO GAVALIA AS AN
OPTION.
WOULD THE LADY CARE FOR STRANGULATION?
NO!
( LAUGHTER ) I GET WE WANT TO TAKE RISKS IN
LOVEMAKING, BUT I CAN GET THAT ADRENALINE SPIKE FROM WALKING
HOME IN LONDON.
( LAUGHTER ) SO I DON'T NEED THAT, YOU KNOW.
IT'S NOT JUST ME, IS IT?
AM I JUST GIVING OFF THAT SAUDI NO, THEY CHECK WHEN THEY SEE THE
HOPEFUL FACE, WELL, MAYBE.
I'M NOT DROPPING A ROCK ON THEIR BULLET GOING, I THOUGHT YOU
MIGHT JUST, YOU KNOW -- ( LAUGHTER )
I THINK WHAT I NEED TO DO IS NOT DATE THE YOUNGER MEN.
NO OFFENSE.
I SEE WOMEN LAUGHING.
YES!
HOW OLD HERE?
WE HAVEN'T GOT TIME.
NO, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THEY CAN'T.
SEE, I DON'T KNOW, I WANT TO GO OUT WITH AGE-APPROPRIATE MEN NOW
WHICH IS NEW FOR ME BUT I WANT PEOPLE TO THINK I'M REALLY
YOUNG.
IF YOU WANT PEOPLE TO THINK YOU'RE YOUNG, THIS IS WHAT YOU
DO.
ANYONE AT A PARTY, SO YOU GUYS ARE AT THE PARTY WILL BE JUST,
LIKE -- I'LL JUST BE, LIKE, OH, HEY, SO WHAT SCHOOL DO YOU GO
TO?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU CAN USE THAT AT HOME.
I DID THAT, THOUGH.
SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE, AT THE SAME TIME.
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU.
IF ONE MAN'S LAUGHING AND IT'S JAMES CORDEN, FINE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL GIVE YOU TWO TIPS AND I
WILL BE O OFF BACK TO THE OLD COUNTRY.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S ANOTHER TIP.
THIS ONE'S FOR WOMEN.
SORRY.
AND GIVE THEM SOMETHING.
OKAY.
IF YOU'RE A WOMAN AND YOU'RE IN A MALE-DOMINATED ENVIRONMENT AND
THE MEN AREN'T LISTENING TO YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO HIGH-PITCHED,
WHATEVER, WHAT YOU DO -- LET'S SAY YOU'RE IN A MEETING AND THE
MAN AREN'T LISTENING, JUST START EVERY SENTENCE WITH "WHEN I WAS
A SEX WORKER..."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
OKAY.
LAST TIP, THIS ONE'S FOR EVERYONE, OKAY, THIS IS A REALLY
GOOD TIP IF YOU SORT OF GET INTO ANY TROUBLE AT ALL YOU CAN USE
THIS, IT'S UNIVERSAL, BECAUSE I SPILT COFFEE ON SOMEONE'S HEAD.
IF SOMEONE IS MAD ABOUT YOU FOR ANYTHING AT ALL, YOU PUT YOUR
HAND ON THEIR SHOULDER AND YOU SAY, I DON'T THINK THIS IS ABOUT
ME, IS IT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT'S GOING ON FOR YOU AT HOME?
YOU HAVE BEEN SO LOVELY!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪
>> James: LOU SANDERS, EVERYBODY!
"SAY HELLO TO YOUR NEW STEP-MUMMY" IS ON TOUR NOW.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.