-Nine! -Alright.
[ Laughter ]
-Okay. -That was crazy.
-All right, so now --
Now you can do your poker face when you're looking at this.
The acting starts now. -It's a toaster oven.
Oh, my God.
[ Laughter ]
-Okay.
-Okay. -All right.
-So, inside my box...
um...is a very curious thing.
[ Laughter ]
Which is not the first time I've said that.
-W-W-W-Wait.
[ Laughter ]
-Just kidding. God!
Okay. Anyway...
-It looks like we're looking in the mirror.
-I know. -This is me.
-Oh, god.
[ Sobbing ]
When did I get so ugly? -My face, my face!
My beautiful face!
-Okay, it is a Rubik's cube inside Jell-O.
[ Laughter ]
-Hmm.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You lie.
-[ Laughs ]
I tell the truth.
-Ahhh! What?
♪♪
Which one?
[ Audience shouting ]
-Nine!
-Stop yelling "nine." You already did nine.
♪♪
Sound will not tell you what it is with sound.
I'm gonna make a sound, a drum sound,
so you don't know what it is. And you can't see it.
Aha-ha-ha-ha.
-So, it's something that makes noise?
-Maybe it is something that makes noise and maybe it isn't.
[ Laughter ]
Do you wanna know what it is? -Yeah.
-I'll tell you what it is. -Okay.
Hit me with it. Come on.
-You ever heard of a boy band called Backstreet Boys?
-Oh, yes. Oh, my god.
-Well this is an action figure... [ Laughs ]
of one of the Backstreet Boys.
-Oh, you're -- Is that it?
-In a -- No. -No.
In a costume.
-Okay. -And also inside the box
is a bunch of Hershey Kisses.
-I feel like that's --
if it's not the truth, you're a sociopath.
[ Laughter ]
If I'm gonna lose, I want to make you feel bad about it.
-It is a lie, it's John Stamos. -Oh, my god.
-A little lie. Just tweaked the lie a little bit.
'Cause it's Rockin' Jesse from Full House, dude.
-Wow. Yeah. Yeah.
-All right, you're up.
-What? [ Audience shouting ]
-You people are crazy. I can't hear you.
-All right, four.
Wait, so basically, whoever wins this wins the whole deal.
-Yeah, I believe this is what they call a tie-breaker.
-Well, let's do it, let's dance.
[ Laughter ]
Let's just dance and get it over with.
-Why doesn't anybody ever wanna dance with us?
-I know. I just don't understand.
We're good dancers.
-We're very good dancers. -We're very good dancers.
-Every time we go to Coachella, nobody wants to dance with us.
-I go to Coachella and I'm like, Arcade Fire, dance with us.
And they say no. Why doesn't anybody wanna --
We should just dance with each other.
-Never. No.
[ Laughter ]
-You wanna dance, we want people to dance with us together.
-Never. No.
-I'm Carl Sagan's son, Phil Sagan.
Sorry, it sounds like Carl Sagan. All right.
-Okay, it is a miniature horse
on a bed of Flintstone vitamins.
Well, [ Sniffs ]
Yeah, Flintstones.
[ Laughter ]
-You smelled it and you can smell
that it's a Flintstone vitamin?
-Yes.
-Miniature horse on top of --
That's not what anyone does with their face at all.
You're trying to use strategy.
-That's what somebody does when they're telling the truth.
-No, it's not! All right, wait a second,
so wait you're trying to do that.
Miniature horse on top of Flintstone vitamins.
You smelled it, which means to me
that it's not Flintstone vitamins,
it's something else, but it still could be a miniature horse
so I'm going to say
you lie.
-Oh, my god, you're right.
♪♪
-I'm so happy, I won!
I'm the champion. Mwah! Mwah!
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! I love you all.
-You remember when we hung out once,
when we embarrassed ourselves in front of Jennifer Lopez?
-Oh, yeah, I remember. Yeah. -Yeah.
Because we wanted her to dance with us.
-And she wouldn't.
-And she wouldn't dance with us. -I know.
-Yeah. I know. -Yeah. Everybody --
I think everybody thinks
that they've witnessed my most embarrassing moments
because I fell on my face getting an Oscar,
and then I fell the next year on a cone.
But, like, there's like, this -- There's --
There's these two really humiliating stories that
are my most embarrassing moments that I never talked about
because it's so genuinely embarrassing,
but now I feel like the statute of limitations
on humiliation is up.
-Yeah. -And I'm ready.
-Which one are you -- Let's hear one of them. Yeah.
-My most embarrassing moment
was during "Silver Linings" year.
Like, awards season -- it was one of those, you know, parties
and [hums]. -Yeah.
-And so I'm just, like, in a corner, like,
drinking champagne, like, "Ugh." [ Laughs ]
And an older woman approached me and was being really,
really nice, really complimentary,
and in my head I just went, "This is Elizabeth Taylor..."
[ Laughs ]
...who was dead at the time. Who's still dead.
Sorry, she's -- -She still is, yeah.
-Since passed. -Yeah.
-And I didn't know that.
And so the older woman was just talking to me.
I'm like, "Oh, my God, this is Elizabeth Taylor."
[ Laughs ]
-No, no, no. Oh, my God.
All right, well, you didn't say anything, did you?
-Yeah. Yeah. So, she's complimenting me --
She's complimenting me, and I was like, "Me?
No, I mean you. Your movies that I can't name
and your fashion moments that I don't know."
Like, I was like, "You're unbelievable."
And then my friend walks by, and I grabbed her,
and I was like, "Oh! This is Elizabeth Taylor."
And she was like, "No, it's not."
[ Laughter ]
And I just took off running. There have been two
social situations where I just, like, go, "Oh,"
and then I just sprint. And just sprinted,
and my shoes fell off, and I hid behind, like, this wall.
-Yeah. There's smoke coming out of your shoes, like,
"Whoo! Bye, Elizabeth!"
-Like hummingbird wings. -No, no, that's not her.
-Oh, no. -Second, because I really want
to plow through these and get them over with.
-Yeah, no, we like hearing this. So, yeah, we like it.
-I'm always -- I always talk so fast
because I'm used to my brothers just being like,
"Finish, finish. Shut up." -No, no, please.
-I feel like nobody wants to hear me talk. [ Coughs ]
-I want to hear. I want to hear. Here.
[ Laughter ]
-Yogurt -- -I'm getting over a cold.
-Yogurt just came out of your nose.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, my God. So much phlegm.
-[ Laughs ] Oh, my God. Tell me the other one.
-And this isn't even an embarrassing moment for me.
-No, this is fine. -I got a lot of phlegm.
-This is normal. Yeah. Phlegm is cool, yeah.
-Whatever. -Yeah.
-So I met a friend -- I'm in Paris for the first time,
again for movies and foo-foo-foo.
And so I was in, like,
one of those cool Tom Ford dresses
with the zips and everything, and I saw Francis Ford Coppola,
but it actually was Francis Ford Coppola.
-This really was him. I was going to say,
maybe you could hang out in, like, wax museums.
"So I was hanging out with Abraham Lincoln,
and like, he was by George Washington.
He was there, too."
-"I had tea with the pope. I was the only one drinking."
I was the only one who had tea, but...
-So it really was Francis Ford Coppola.
-It really was Francis Ford Coppola.
-"Godfather." I mean, come on.
-Yeah, I know. So I was like, "Oh."
So I debated the whole time.
Like, do I go up to him? Do I not go up?
Then finally I was like, I have to or I'll regret it
for the rest of my life. -At a restaurant.
-At a restaurant in Paris,
and he's at a giant group of people,
and they take up most of the -- I mean,
it's a huge table of people. And I started walking
and I noticed I was barefoot, but I was like,
"Oh, maybe -- they probably won't notice."
And so I'm barefoot.
But I, like, introduced myself, and I was like,
"I'm such a huge fan of 'Godfather.' Ah!"
And, like, went on and introduced myself
to the whole table. "Hi, I'm Jennifer Lawrence."
They had no idea who I was. And went back to the table.
My entire dress was unzipped and my thong was out.
[ Laughter ]
So I was barefoot and my whole ass was out.
[ Laughter ]
-Does that just happen? I don't know how that happened
to dresses, but you just --
-It was like this -- I don't know.
-Side zip or something. -I think I was making room
for my gut and I unzipped the whole thing
and then forgot. -And there. Yeah.
-So I thought it was, you know, the shoes
that were going to be the problem.
-And you thought they were impressed with you meeting you.
And then you walking away was... -And then I walk away --
And then I walk away. Equally impressive.
-...Equally impressive. Yeah. They were like, "Wow,
hey, that's fantastic." -What a jerk.
[ Laughter ]
-No, no, no. -That's a joke. [ Coughs ]
We always talk about -- I met -- My worst moment --
I met Clive Davis, and so I'll make this quick.
I saw him again at a big table.
-Hurry, hurry, hurry. -Yeah.
He was at a table and he was sitting there,
and I go, "I should say hi. It's Clive Davis."
So I went over to his big table, group of people,
and I went over and I go, "Hi, Clive, I'm Jimmy Fallon."
And he goes...
So I go...does he want me to kiss him on the cheek?
[ Laughter ]
So I went in and... And he was like...
"What?" And I go...
And whoever he's with is like,
"He couldn't hear what you were saying."
I was like...
[ Laughter ]
Hold on. Hold on. Oh, I'm so sorry.
I kissed him -- I've never met him.
Never met him. Never talked to him ever again.
-Now, who doesn't believe that you're in "X-Men?"
-My nephew. My four-year-old nephew, Bear.
-Yeah. -He is obsessed with "X-Men."
Obsessed with "X-Men."
And I'm like, "Bear, I'm an 'X-Men.'"
And he's like, "No, the real 'X-Men.'"
And it's, like, the most infuriating.
-We have a video of little Bear,
you trying to talk to him? This is very funny.
-This is, like, a mild version of what he does.
-Here's Jennifer and Bear.
-You know that I'm an "X-Men?"
Bear!
I play Mystique in "X-Men."
Acknowledge it!
[ Laughs ]
He hates it. -He hates it.
-What a cute kid, yeah. She really is.
-When I was on the phone with the producer for this,
I was telling the story, and she heard Bear go,
[blows raspberry] as soon as I said, "X-Men."
He's going through a thing. He doesn't like my work.
He was in "The Hunger Games"
in the last -- the epilogue. Like, the last, you know,
whatever, blah, blah, blah, at the end, played my kid.
And so he's on his way to visit me, and he goes, "Dad,
do I have to be in this one?"
[ Laughter ]
Cute. -I think he's cute.
-Stand back.
-Okay.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Drumroll ]
-Here comes daddy!
Hu-oh!
[ Audience groans ] [ Cowbell ]
No, stop, hey!
Put that thing down.
Oh, my --
-Do I go now?
-We just killed the stage manager.
Okay, don't worry about it. It's fine.
It's totally fine. Jennifer, you go.
[ Drumroll ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cowbell ]
Gosh.
[ Drumroll ]
-Hey, Jimmy, I just remembered something.
No!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Wait a minute. Stop, stop, stop, stop.
-What? -Stop, stop.
Can we take that off? -What?
-What? We have to take it off?
[ Laughter ]
-Just make sure --
-What?
-Make sure --
-What?
-Got a lot of wood there.
[ Laughter ] [ Cowbell ]
Make sure you go for the -- the hat.
[ Drumroll ]
[ Cheers ]
[ Audience groans ] [ Cowbell ]
-Ugh.
I feel like maybe I should just keep throwing until I win.
I don't know.
-I split it right down the middle right there.
That is --
[ Drumroll ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
-Come on.
-Get away.
Oh! -Oh, my goodness.
-Oh, my God! -Oh, my goodness.
[ Drumroll ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-There we go. I win, the champion!
[ Bell dinging ]
-Oh! -[ Laughs ]
-No! Stop!
-Look at this -- the horse whisperer.
I mean, look at this.
-Yeah. I don't know if the horse
was doing that because I was doing that.
-Yeah, are you frightening -- Was that real?
-It was real. -It was real.
-The horses were very --
-What were you saying to the horse?
-"Stand up."
[ Laughter ]
What else do you say to a horse?
-I don't know, man.
But you grew up with horses, so this must have --
-I did, yeah. I grew up --
I grew up with horses.
-what was yours horse's name? -Well, I had many horses.
-Bones was one.
-There was one horse named Bones.
Growing up on a farm, you have ups and downs.
There's good things and very sad things.
I was at a cheerleading competition.
I was a cheerleader, which I'm really proud of.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
-I was at a cheerleading competition,
and my mom in the audience was mouthing something,
and I didn't understand what she was saying,
and I was like, "What?"
And she was like, "Bones is dead."
[ Laughter ]
"Bones died!" And I was like, "What?"
-"Bones is dead!"
-Yeah, and she's here, and I was like,
"Can you try to rethink what your thinking was
on the timing on that?" -Did you start crying?
-No, and then she just went into how --
what she's getting my 3-year-old nephew
for his birthday.
She was like, "Did I tell you
what I'm getting Theo for his birthday?
Getting him a leaf blower. A real leaf blower."
[ Laughter ]
-"A real leaf blower." -"A real leaf blower."
-"Oh, he's gonna love it." -Yeah.
-"He'll be out there, blowing leaves."
-He actually really will. -He will?
How old is he?
-He's turning 3, but he loves engines, trains, locomotives.
Is that what they're called? -Yeah.
-Oh, cool.
-Yeah, well, I don't think you're getting him a locomotive.
-I don't know why I keep drinking this water.
-It's 'cause water's good for you.
I remember, as a kid, I really wanted a metal detector.
That's what I wanted. [ Laughter ]
I don't live by the beach.
I didn't grow up --
I just had my back and my front yard.
-Oh, I was picturing -- Oh, you mean the scanner.
I thought you meant the kind we walk through at the airport.
[ Laughter ] -What?! No!
-I joined the TSA when I was 3 years old, yeah.
-I begged for and finally got a clap on/clap off in my room.
Oh, it was sick. -It didn't quite work.
My grandparents had that, and they had it hooked
into their Christmas tree but also the television.
-Oh, my God. -It was so awful.
'Cause they would be like -- [ Claps ]
And I would just run into there --
I would run into the room, clap, and then leave the room.
And the tree would go off, the TV would turn on.
They loved me. I was a great grandkid.
-Wow. Nice. -Yeah, I was a...