In all the work that I've done as a psychologist with parents, I'm convinced
that there are 5 crucial skills parents need to master. -Let's hear them.
The first skill we're going to talk about that you get to master as a parent
is emotional self-regulation. This is just kind of becoming in tune with and
in control of how you're handling your emotions and how you're portraying those
to others. -You've already got some pretty good insights to this because think
about what bothers you. With the hundreds of parents that we've already worked
with in our program, I think this is a very consistent thing. They feel upset
mostly about their own emotional upsetness. -Yeah. It's being upset
about being upset. -Right. "I'm losing my cool with my kids. Why am I always
yelling when I want to be a calm collected patient parent?" This comes up a
lot. -Or confident. I want to be a confident parent for my child. I'm so
unsure of myself. So, all of these self regulations are things that you get to
learn as a parent so that you can set the example for your child. The
interesting thing here, Vicki is that it really doesn't have anything to do with
parenting. -It really has to do with mastering who you are --your feelings, your
emotions. But it comes out a lot in parenting because these little guys know
how to push our buttons. -Right. You know, I think one of the biggest things about
parenting is getting clear. It's very easy to say, "My kids make me crazy. What
you did made me mad." Blah, blah, blah. And so, I think it's getting very, very clear
about recognizing the incidents or the condition or the situation or what it is.
And you get to learn how to choose your thought that drives your emotion.
-Until you see it as a choice, it's not. The second skill is actually going to help
you with the first one. -Okay. -And it's positivity. Now, you've heard it forever
--"Just think positive". That can be this trite fluffy thing that you hear from
motivational speaker and it can irritate and annoy you. But here's the thing:
Positivity is a skill. -It's a practice. -And it's a choice too. Now, until
you see it as a choice, it's not. I already mentioned that. But it's a skill
that you will develop and practice. The fact that you know that you need to be
more positive and that you even choose it is not enough. You will have to
actually practice and implement some new policies and procedures within your own
mind and your own behavior that's going to get you there. I know this isn't easy.
And that's why we've created a lot of videos here on the channel to help you
with that. And we've got some coaching programs available to assist you as well.
Realize that it's going to take some work. And be very patient and tolerant
with yourself. Because you're going to go back to whatever it is that you're used
to. Positivity, the way I think of it is divided into 2 important tasks that
are going on in your mind. And understanding those 2 tasks, evaluation
and creation put you in a position of power and control. Without getting into
all the details here on this video, start with a copy of my book Pathological
Positivity. That's why I wrote the book to give you some insights into those 2
processes that are working. You can get a free copy just pay for the shipping.
There's a link down in the description. And that's not what this whole video is
about. That's just one of the crucial skills that you need to master as a
parent. -You know, I love that this particular video is talking about the
skills you need to master as a parent. Because they are skills. Which implies that you
are going to learn. You're on a continuum of progress and that is a new thing for
you. So, the next one we're calling the Love Choice. And that is that you're
going to choose the love choice or the love response. This goes into context
very quickly when you understand that every interaction you have with your
kids is going to fall on one side or the other. I don't think there's a neutral
choice. It's going to be either a love choice or
a hate choice. And through that word in because people hate the word hate. And you
would never use that word hate in the context of your parenting. But honestly,
if it's not a love choice, what is it? The opposite of love in this context is the
hate choice. And everything that you do is either going to be on this side or
that side. A little or a lot? One of my books actually carries that title. -Right.
I remember that. -The Love Choice. And it's actually an essay in a compilation of
other essays about love. My particular essay gave 3 steps to choose love.
And I'll just summarize those quickly for you right here. You assume the best.
You practice humility. Meaning, you give up your need to be right about
everything. You practice humility and you think to create or to build up or to
enhance. As opposed to you know, thinking to destroy. When we choose hate, we're
always assuming the worst. We practice pride because we know we're right. And
then we think to destroy. How can I hurt or or retaliate against someone. So, keep
those three steps in mind. That'll help you with this particular skill. It's
going to take some practice like Vicki pointed out earlier. In all of the
research that's been done in child development and child psychology and
family systems, there are 2 things that consistently show up above everything
else. Things that children need to be well adjusted and stable and satisfied
and emotionally healthy. We just talked about one, love. -Right. -Okay? And your job
is what? -To love them no matter what and even if. -I hope you know that as well as
Vicki does because we're going to keep repeating that as long as we need to.
That is absolutely essential. The other thing that kids need: Discipline. -Mmm-hmm.
-So, you've got to get good at discipline. -Yeah. Effective discipline. -Appropriate,
effective. -Right. -Yes. -And when you say effective, you mean?
-Discipline that actually brings the principal into focus. Not necessarily
all of the other stuff that gets in our way.
-Beautifully put. You know, sometimes we get in our own way by thinking, "Okay, this
has to be a consequence that (you've heard the phrase) natural and logical. Or
it has to be done in a certain specific sort of way."
That's not we're talking about. We're talking about tying it into the
important principle the child needs to learn. And getting good at the
enforcement of appropriate consequences within your discipline. -The last skill is
maybe my favorite. It is getting good at enjoyment. Let's learn how to play and
enjoy our parenting and our children. -Vicki, recently we did a conference
together where you presented some of the research that's been done. Play is such
an important part of children's development. It is in fact the work of
childhood, to play. We're, listing this as an important or a crucial skill
for parents to master. -Well and I think somewhere along the line, some parents
think that they're not supposed to be having fun. That it's all work to be a
parent. Or that being an adult, there's not enjoyment. -I'm out. -Yeah. [Laughs] -But it's
really common sometimes especially in the American culture that we work
really hard and we're supposed to enjoy the work only and we forget about
enjoyment and pleasure. And I think that's something that we can really key
into. If we can learn how to develop the skill of enjoyment, enjoying where we're
at, what we're doing, making a space for pleasantness in our life. -I love it. You
know what? If we're not having fun, we're doing it wrong. So, pay attention to that.
And as you pointed out, Vicki, this is a skill. So, it's something that will
require perhaps some practice. You get to move past some of the thought patterns
that haven't been serving you well in this area. I tell you what, that's going
to make you a more effective parent and you're going to have a whole lot more fun
doing it. It can be challenging, we know. But we've got your back. We're here, we're
on your parenting team and we're honored to be there,
aren't we? -Yeah. -We've put together some resources for you too. Would you please
check those out? Connect with one of our certified coaches to have a breakthrough
call where you can learn what programs, coaching, other resources are available
to you. Tell them the website where they can find this? -DrPaulJenkins.com
/breaksthroughcall.