Oh, Charlie, I haven't seen you in a while, what's going on?
Well, for the last couple of years I've been trying really hard to have a...
Meaningful relationship.
[kissing]
I think I love you, Charlie Harper.
Thank you.
[coughing]
[choking]
So, what? Are you just gonna swallow that?
[laughing]
Charlie, talk to me.
Alright.
You know what I'm gonna do to you? You dirty, filthy girl.
[laughing]
- No, not like that. - Wrong way?
Am I a dirty, filthy boy?
[laughing]
No, I wanna talk about us.
We're a dirty, filthy couple.
[laughing]
Anyway, I've tried all that, it didn't help.
Well there is one other option but it's kind of a last resort.
What's that?
Have you considered having breast reduction surgery?
[laughing]
Something's wrong.
- Charlie Harper? - Yeah?
[punching]
Keep your hands off my wife.
Did you really think that you could just end this?
I was kinda hoping.
Don't you realize that our souls are now bound together,
destined to write ecstatically in blessed hellfire for all eternity?
[laughing]
Boy, I know how to pick 'em, don't I?
Charlie, look at me!
[laughing]
Hey, how do you know my name?
It's me.
No!
Yes!
Gill?
Bill!
[laughing]
- I've got company. - I know, and her husband's downstairs!
[laughing]
Really?
- You're married? - Yeah.
[laughing]
I'm not in.
[laughing]
You have to come downstairs and deal with him!
Man, I hate it when this happens.
This happens a lot?
Not a lot but enough to be a drag!
So I guess I've been in kind of an emotional tail spin.
Been drinking heavier than usual?
Just the occasional glass of wine with dinner.
Uh-huh and how many dinners have you had today?
[laughing]
Let's see...
One Russian blonde.
[laughing]
One Scottish brunette.
[laughing]
And a full bodied redhead from Napa Valley.
[laughing]
Charlie's Angels.
[laughing]
I feel a lot better since I've stopped drinking.
[laughing]
Oh, no!
Wrong house!
[laughing]
I'm lost!
[laughing]
Hello?
Oh, hey, Alan, come on in!
[laughing]
- Charlie? - Eh?
[laughing]
You OK?
Sure.
No, no, we've been learning about alcohol abuse at school
and if you ever need a new liver you can have half of mine.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey... I thought we had a deal?
Oh, yeah!
Sorry, dad.
[laughing]
So, anyway, Charlie, I'm still not clear
on what it is you would like me to help you with?
Your anger issues? Your sexual issues?
- Drinking? - No, no, no, that's all cool.
[laughing]
Then tell me, why are you here?
Yeah, I've come to realize that there's a very good chance
that I might someday snap and kill my brother.
[laughing]
Charlie, when I moved in here I said that it was vital
that we create a wholesome atmosphere for Jake and you said I understand.
Alan, there's something you should know about me.
When I say I understand, it doesn't mean I agree.
It doesn't mean I understand, it doesn't even mean I'm listening.
[laughing]
Then why do you say it?
It seems to make people happy and that's what I'm all about.
- Shame on you! - Is that it?
I do not want him learning about relationships from a misogynist!
A misogynist? You're saying I'm a misogynist?
Yes, Charlie, you are a misogynist.
- I'm a misogynist? - Mhmm.
I'm a misogynist?
That is really low, Alan, calling your own brother a misogynist.
G-I-N or G-E-N?
[laughing]
[phone ringing]
Do you need to get it?
Na, the machine will pick up.
[beeping]
Charlie, I need your help!
Oh, pick up, pick up, pick up!
Oh, for God's sake!
See?
You're not fooling anybody.
You'd miss me if I was gone.
Despite everything you've said, we're brothers
and we have a bond that's deeper and more meaningful than any--
So what do I owe ya?
Well I get $200 an hour, you were here for five minutes,
so why don't we just round it off and say $200?
[laughing]