Hello there.
The ego is nothing more
than a sense of yourself
as a separate self.
It is a sense of "I" instead of "we".
Now obviously,
since a relationship is about "we",
it's easy to see how the single biggest threat to a relationship,
is the human ego.
But what dimension of the human ego
is in fact the most dangerous to relationships?
The answer is egos need to see itself as good.
The #1 Relationship Obstacle
You were born into a society.
Socialization is an integral part of an unawakened society.
In an unawakened society,
they're collective social and cultural values.
When we value one thing, we condemn the opposite.
For example, self-sacrifice can be a social value
and selfishness is condemned.
We deem one good and the other bad.
In order to keep social order,
we socialize children.
This means we train them
to behave in a way that is acceptable to the society we live in.
We indoctrinate children with our social and cultural values
and reward them when they adhere to those values,
we punish them when they demonstrate behavior
that contradicts our social and cultural values.
So as a child, if we want our needs to be met,
survive in society and have a chance at feeling things like
love and belonging and contribution and safety,
instead of ostracization and ending up alone
which is worse than death,
we have one option:
To adopt those values of the society we're born into
and hold ourselves to them.
Shame is the painful feeling state
that results from comparing yourself to your standards,
standards you adopted from your society,
and falling short.
The people who struggle with shame the most,
were the people who were disciplined as children
by adults who could not keep a clear distinction
between doing bad and being bad.
For example,
taking a cookie out of the cookie jar,
made you a BAD girl.
It's not the action,
it's you.
Now, sometimes we can shame
not just with the things we say, but with our look.
We look at them as if:
"What the hell is wrong with you for doing this thing?"
What does this all mean?
How does it go together?
The human Ego is preoccupied
first and foremost with being good
and looking good to others.
So what is the number one enemy to the human ego?
The answer is shame.
Which is all about being bad or being wrong.
The ego will cope with shame in all kinds of destructive ways.
And we all are familiar with how much damage
coping mechanisms can do to our lives.
We cope with shame by minimizing it,
by denying it, by deflecting it,
by completely ignoring it,
by splitting into alter egos,
by projecting it, by covering it,
by converting it into physical symptoms,
by overcompensating for it,
by intellectualizing it,
by isolating ourselves and self-injuring...
We have all kinds of ways that we do this.
All of this is done to avoid
accepting shame.
Because it's the number one enemy
of the human ego.
The human ego does not know how to take shame
as part of itself.
When the ego goes into a state of defense,
in the form of blaming,
it is doing that so it can avoid
dealing directly with its own shame.
For this reason, I want you to watch my Youtube video titled:
Deflection (The Coping Mechanism From Hell)
I also, want you to watch my YouTube video titled:
How to Overcome Shame
We all want so badly to have relationships that feel good.
We want relationships that are harmonious
and that add to our well-being and happiness.
The question is, do we want them more
than we want to preserve our own self-concept?
Until we are conscious
and our ego is not controlling the ship of our lives,
most of us prioritize our self-concept
over our relationships and over the people we love.
It is now that we need to talk about deflected shame.
Deflection is what happens
when something somebody says or does
triggers our shame.
And instead of dealing with our shame directly,
we push it back on the other person.
By doing this, we get into a kind of "ping-pong match"
of shame deflection.
"Look why you're such a bad person in the circumstance"
" No, look why you're such a bad person in this circumstance"
"No, look why you're such a bad person in this circumstance".
most arguments follow this pattern
of the ping pong of shame deflection.
This type of deflection is in fact
a type of projection.
It's a projection of one's own shame
onto the other person.
For example, a mother can feel shame
when her infant expresses negative emotion towards her.
this makes her feel like a bad mother.
But her ego can't handle that,
so she deflects that shame onto the infant.
She decides the infant must have something seriously wrong with it.
Or a person asked for the honest truth from a friend in their life.
The honest truth makes them feel ashamed of themselves,
they can't handle the shame,
so they decide that the friend is a horrible person.
Or a wife cheats on her husband, she feels ashamed,
but can't deal with it, so she makes it his fault,
because he didn't pay enough attention to her.
Or celebrity doesn't respond to an email because they get thousands,
the fan takes it personally, it makes them feel ashamed,
they can't handle it, so their ego avoids that shame,
by deciding the celebrity is bad, and joining their hate group.
One of the most common settings that leads to shame deflection,
is boundary setting.
Sometimes when we set a boundary with someone,
that causes them to feel rejected in some way,
it triggers their shame.
So as a result, they have to make the other person wrong
for having the boundary, in the first place,
then dealing directly with their own shame.
For example, let's say you've got a friend
that borrows something from you without asking.
That is crossing a boundary.
So let's say that you set a boundary and you say:
"I'm not okay with that."
If that triggers their shame,
meaning they feel like a bad or a wrong person for doing it,
and they can't deal directly with that shame,
what they will do is deflect it onto you,
by making you
"a horrible friend, who's super selfish".
Now those of us who have weak boundaries
have to watch out for something;
Oftentimes we set boundaries
in a shaming way.
We don't feel like we have the right to have boundaries,
unless somebody is wrong,
for crossing them.
So we might set a boundary saying:
"It's not okay to borrow stuff from me",
by saying:
"How could you ever think it's okay to borrow something without asking?"
That makes them wrong or bad.
And so, by setting the boundary in that way
we are quite literally,
deflecting shame.
The shame we have for even having a boundary.
We believe that having that boundary makes us bad or wrong.
If you see yourself as bad,
you separate from yourself.
A split has to form in yourself called
conscious and subconscious,
to deal with it.
And the same thing happens when you see someone else as bad.
You have to separate from them.
So eventually the relationship ends emotionally and then it ends physically.
For the sake of your understanding,
think of it this way:
Boundaries are natural.
One can assert a boundary,
a sense of self,
including a yes and a no,
without becoming aroused into a state of defense.
If you are aroused into a state of defense,
it means that shame is there.
If shame were not there,
what other people say and do wouldn't hurt so bad.
Those of us who suffer the most in relationships have the most shame.
And those of us with the most shame,
both deflect shame the most,
and enter into relationships with people
who have a pattern of deflecting shame onto others.
Badness and our society,
is integrally linked to the idea of blame or fault.
This is why
when we're in a conversation about something that went wrong,
it is so common to see people
ping-ponging about whose fault it is.
Because they cannot handle feeling like they were the one
that did something bad,
because doing something bad, means they are bad.
What if I told you there is a way to stay connected to your partner,
instead of separate from them when this happens?
What if I told you there is a way to end the ping pong match of shame deflection?
What if I was to tell you there's a way to have harmonious relationships?
And the answer is, to own your own shame.
For example,
let's say that a man is defensive in an argument,
because he has decided that his wife is too needy.
When he looks inside himself,
he might find that the shame that is hiding underneath that blame,
is the fact that he doesn't feel capable
of providing anything that she needs.
And it's that shame of not feeling capable,
that he needs to express and own
within the relationship.
Deflected shame is not just about what we tell other people,
it's also about the story we tell ourselves.
We are telling ourselves a story,
a self-deception story,
about how things are other people's fault,
it's all about them,
we're deflecting shame even when
we're not really with them,
when we're just sitting in our room by ourselves.
So even in those moments, we have to own our shame.
We have to look underneath that blame
for what is it about me right now in this scenario,
that I feel is wrong or bad?
Literally whenever you feel defensive in any situation
or start hearing the inner voice tell a story
about how someone else is doing something bad,
ask yourself:
"What do I feel ashamed of, right here in this minute?"
What about this situation
makes me feel like a bad person or defective or not good enough or wrong?
If you're in a relationship,
commit to making this a part of your conflict conversations.
Decide that both of you are going to stop for a moment,
introspect to discover what you feel ashamed about in the situation,
and admit it to each other.
I will issue you one warning:
When you engage in this type of a behavior
or interaction between you and another person,
it is imperative that neither of you
strike while the shields are down.
It is tempting, especially if we feel extra powerless
if someone says:
"Well, what I feel ashamed of in this Situation is this..."
and we use that as an opportunity to strike.
By doing that, what I mean is:
"Yeah, you're right.
That is definitely what you did and you should feel crappy about that.
I told you so."
If you use when the shields are down,
as an opportunity to strike,
that is nothing short of abuse.
So if you're trying to own shame in a relationship,
it has got to be a mutual agreement that this does not take place.
Our number one Terror is that by admitting to our shame,
other people will use it to condemn us.
If you are setting a boundary,
be sensitive to the fact
that we have grown up in a society
that teaches us that certain needs
and certain wants and certain preferences are wrong,
so our boundaries are wrong.
And so, be sensitive also
to the fact that we've been taught that crossing any kind of boundary
makes you bad or wrong.
And so, be sensitive to how you set that boundary.
Try to set that boundary with other people
in a way that doesn't imply that there's something wrong,
defective or bad about them.
Make the boundary about what is right and wrong for you, specifically,
and why.
Instead of about what is wrong about them.
If we grew up in households
where we were shamed for our own boundaries,
we feel like we have to justify boundaries.
And the way we justify them
is by projecting the shame we feel about assessing our own boundaries,
in a way that makes the other person
a bad person for violating them.
Regardless of whether or not
they actually knew the boundary existed before they crossed it.
We make them matter wrong in our mind
to even feel like we can have a boundary
and stay a good person, in the first place.
If we want loving relationships with ourselves,
we have to resolve the shame that we feel.
If we want loving relationships with other people,
we have to help them to resolve their shame,
instead of adding to it.
By owning the shame that we feel in our relationships,
especially to our friends and partners,
we have the greatest opportunity for harmonious relationships.
We have an opportunity
to have a relationship that actually feels good,
instead of allowing our egos to be locked in a war
over preserving our own self-image.
By owning our own shame,
we allow people to be in relationship with us,
in a connected way
and in a safe and secure way.
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com