I'm in therapy, obviously,
and I see a therapist who sees a few other comedians.
Like, I know comics that go to the same therapist as me.
I was in the waiting room the other day,
and I actually heard my therapist laugh
through the door.
And I was like, "Ugh. I got to bring it again this week."
[ Laughter, applause ]
"I've been playing the hits nonstop for this dude."
I was complaining about a relationship I was in.
And he said, "Yes.
You tend to pursue damaged people
and then try to help them," and I was like, "You too."
[ Laughter ]
We both do that, unfortunately, you know?
I'm not good at relationships. They're so hard, you know?
Every woman I date tries to change me.
You know that Billy Joel song,
"I Love You Just the Way You Are"?
A woman would never write a song like that.
If Billy Joel were a woman, that song would be called
"You Are My Project... and We'll See Where This Goes."
[ Laughter ]
I'm like, "Stop trying to change me."
She's like, "I'm not trying to change you.
I'm trying to improve you."
You know what having a girlfriend feels like to me?
You know that thing in your iPhone
that's always asking if you want an update?
That's what it feels like the entire time.
Just constant, "Hey. Do you want to get better?"
All day, I'm like, "Remind me later."
[ Laughter, applause ]
They made it harder.
I think, like, the dating websites
made it harder for how we communicate.
Even on first dates now, it's like,
"What kind of music do you like?"
But that doesn't really matter, right?
You can coexist with someone
that has different musical tastes.
This is my new first-date question.
This is what I ask on every first date --
"How likely are you to yell at me in public?"
[ Laughter ]
That one's gonna come in handy.
You don't want to be in that relationship.
Eight months in, you're getting screamed at
in front of strangers.
You're like, "It's cool. We both like Chance the Rapper, so..."
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ] I had another breakup.
And, uh, she broke up with me and asked me to take her back
and then -- curveball -- broke up with me again.
That kind of feels like you're in a plane that's going down,
and then somehow you land safely,
and then you die in the cab ride home.
And then she texts every day -- "I miss you."
And I'd be like, "Well, that
We're not gonna hang out as often."
I didn't know I had to explain that part.
I thought that was self-explanatory, but...
Thank God jobs don't work that way.
Can you imagine getting fired?
Then two weeks later, your boss is like, "I'm sad."
[ Laughter ]
"Mm."
I'm glad you're sad.
I hope your whole company collapses.
I was in a relationship 2 1/2 years.
I never cheated once -- not once.
I'm on the road all the time.
People are like, "What's your secret?
How do you stay faithful on the road?"
This is my secret. I'll tell you.
Two and a half years. Never cheated once. My secret.
Not one woman tried to fuck me.
[ Laughter, applause ]
I mean...
Thank you. Thank you.
Am I a hero? Yes. I am.
I'd be alone on a plane.
Beautiful woman walking towards me.
I'd be like, "This chick better not sit next to me."
She'd sit next to me.
We wouldn't speak the entire flight.
I'd be like, "That was a close call."
I'm an amazing person.
Then your friends pressure you to get on these dating apps.
They're very intimidating.
Sometimes the pictures don't even match the occupation.
Just, like, a gorgeous woman
bent over with a finger in her mouth,
and you're like, "St. Jude's Children's Hospital?"
[ Laughter ]
"If you say so.
I'm just worried about the children at this point."
One of my friends was like, "I got this dating site for you."
He comes over. It's a prison dating site.
Incarcerated women was his suggestion.
We laughed for like five minutes,
but like minute six, we're like,
"There's some attractive women here."
But then it shows you the crimes they commit, and you're like,
"Double homicide is probably a bad idea, you know?"
But they have actual profiles.
One of them actually said, "I love the outdoors."
You're like, "Yeah. I mean, obviously."
[ Laughter ]
"I mean, it turns out you like money laundering
a bit more, unfortunately, but..."
I'm wearing condoms again.
Yeah. I'm wearing condoms again.
It's the end of an era.
It's not that bad. Guys complain about condoms.
You know what wearing a condom is like?
You ever go to a basketball court and there's no net,
and you're like, "I mean, I guess I'll play, but..."
[ Laughter ]
The whole time, you're like, "Did that even go in?"
[ Laughter, applause ]