- Welcome, everybody, to F**k! Marry! Kill!
Today, we have the lovely Ariel,
who is married to one of the men
on the other side of this curtain.
The other two men are his friends,
and she's going to have to figure out
which one of them is her husband
so she can pick him to marry,
and then pick one of the others to f**k and kill.
Are you ready?
- I'm feeling pretty good.
I'm a little nervous. - Obviously.
- I feel like there's a lot of pressure to pick my husband.
- Right, because you don't wanna ruin your relationship.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm Ariel, and today I'm going to marry my husband,
or at least f**k him, but I'm definitely not gonna kill him.
- I know this isn't how the game works,
but I hope that she both marries and f**ks me.
- You know, the way Ned talks about being married,
it just sounds great.
I want that.
I'm gonna marry Ned's wife.
- I want Ariel to choose Ned to get married,
because that's true love,
but it doesn't mean she still can't f**k me.
Yeah! F**k, f**k, f**k, f**k, f**k.
- I just don't wanna die.
- So, why don't we go ahead and start the game.
We have a question that you're gonna ask all three people,
so go ahead and read this question out to them.
Take a look at it.
(low note)
- [Ariel] For everyone:
I am a girl with a strong relationship with my parents.
What is the one thing you would never want my parents
to find out about you?
- [Host] And we'll start with Mr. One.
- Well, hello, Ariel.
- (laughs) Oh, my God.
- You know, sometimes I get a little excited about things,
and I can overreact, but, you know,
I've always been very good around people's parents.
- [Host] After hearing that answer,
how do you feel about Mr. One?
- Uh, generally, a nice guy.
- [Host] Great. Alright, Mr. Two, same question.
- Hi.
I would maybe just keep
some of the details of date night private.
- Okay. - Alright.
So this is a very private person.
- Nice. Mr. Three, go ahead and answer that same question.
What do you not want her parents to know about you?
- Um, I would not want them to know
that sometimes I don't like to drink.
(ding)
- Okay, so you've heard from all three of our Mr. Numbers.
Right now, which one of these numbers
do you think you want to kill?
- [Ariel] Uh, Number Three sounds like
somebody out of evil, out of The Hobbit,
so I'm just gonna say that.
- [Host] Okay.
- [Ariel] But definitely not my final answer.
I am not ready to answer yet.
- [Host] Okay, great.
Let's go ahead and move on to round two,
where you're gonna ask each person an individual question.
- Okay.
Mr. Two, I think that space is the true final destination.
If you were a planet,
what type of species would inhabit you
and why?
- Well, if I were a planet,
I would be Uranus,
'cause I got that butt, know what I'm saying?
And, I-- (buzz)
- Mr. One, I am an equestrian at heart.
What is the cutest outfit a horse could wear, and why?
- I think I would have a really cute girl horse,
and she would be in, like, a nice little, like,
fifties poodle skirt, like, cute little dress,
and have, like, a really high ponytail.
- Does that sound like somebody you'd want to f**k?
- [Ariel] (laughs) Yeah, yeah.
Mr. Three, I am a vegetarian, so I don't eat any meat.
But if you were a cannibal,
which celeb would you wanna eat first?
- Yeah, which celeb would you wanna eat first?
- I would eat George Clooney,
'cause he's handsome and aged.
- Okay, okay, I like that.
- Like a steak. - Ooh.
- Exactly, like a steak.
- We're gonna move on to the final round.
This last question is for all three of them.
- [Ariel] Okay. Tell me a haiku about how great I am.
- Let's actually start with Mr. Three this time.
- Your booty is fine.
Like chilled fine wine,
so divine.
All night or all day.
- Let's move to Mr. Two.
- Wednesday is date night.
Cuddling and snuggling, all right.
Please don't kill me,
yeah.
- Mr. One, what's your haiku?
- You design so well.
Will you decorate my house?
Are you down to f**k?
(laughter)
- Okay, okay, so we've heard the haikus,
we've heard all these questions.
Now, Ariel, is the time to decide.
Who are you going to f**k, who are you gonna marry,
and who are you gonna kill?
Lock in your choices,
and we're going to reveal your decisions to you
one by one.
(bell rings)
You have chosen...
(high-pitched bell)
- [Ariel] (laughing) Yes!
- Just lift up.
(laughter)
- Was that good?
I'm sorry you can't f**k right now,
but we need to go pay our respects to the recently deceased.
I know, I know, well you did this.
You killed him.
Go ahead and see who you've done away with.
(zipper buzzes)
- Oh, God!
- [Host] What would you like to say?
- Zach, I'm really sorry,
but we all knew that this was the only option.
- I disagree with that.
It was not the only option!
You had three options!
You coulda f**ked me, - Zach is dead.
- you coulda married me, - Poor Zach.
- you coulda done anything! - He's gone.
- Why, hold on, I want an explanation!
- He's gone, but you know what that means?
- I get to marry Ned!
- You get to marry Ned!
Let's go to the wedding!
And do you, Ariel, take Ned to be your husband
even though you just f**ked Eugene
and it was good, you know what I'm saying?
It was good?
Do you still want this?
You still want this?
- Uh, if Ned will have me back, yes.
- I mean, I'd fuck Eugene.
- All right, then you may kiss your husband again.
- [Ned] Yay!
- Awww, beautiful.
Thanks so much for playing.
But we'll see you next time on...
- F**k!
- [Ned] Marry!
- [Zach] Kill.
- [Host] All right, y'all had a good time.
Everybody had a great time.
Oh, man. How was that sex, though?
How was that sex?
- [Ariel] Uh, it was nice. - Yeah.
- Yeah, I mean, this, this.
- Ugh, I don't wanna keep looking at Eugene's butt.
(squeaks)