♪ Friday night and ♪
♪ everyone's moving ♪
♪ I can feel the heat ♪
♪ but it's soothing ♪
♪ heading down ♪
♪ I search for the beat ♪
♪ in this dirty town ♪
♪ downtown, the young ones are going ♪
♪ We're the kids in America ♪
So, O.K, you're probably going,
"Is this, like, a Noxzema commercial or what?"
But seriously,
I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl.
I mean, I get up, I brush my teeth.
and I pick out my school clothes.
♪ They do it over there ♪
♪ but we don't do it here ♪
♪ Ooh, bop ♪
♪ Fashion ♪
♪ Turn to the left ♪
♪ Fashion ♪
♪ Turn to the right ♪
♪ Ooh, fashion ♪
Daddy's a litigator.
Those are the scariest kinds of lawyers.
Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him.
And daddy is so good,
he gets $500 an hour to fight with people.
He fights with me for free because I'm his daughter.
Daddy!
Cher, please don't start with the juice again.
Daddy, you need your vitamin C.
Where's my briefcase?
It's been a couple months now, so I say we go out to Malibu.
Don't tell me those braindead lowlifes have been calling again.
They are your parents.
And don't try sneaking out of the office,
Dr. Lovett's coming by to give you a flu shot.
Josh is in town. He's coming for dinner.
Why?
He's your stepbrother!
You were hardly married to his mother, and that was 5 years ago.
Why do i have to see Josh?
You divorce wives, not children.
-Here. -Forget it!
Did i show you the loqued out Jeep daddy got me?
It's got four-wheel drive, dual side airbags,
and a monster sound system.
I don't have a license yet,
but i need something to learn on.
Boy! They came out of nowhere!
Here's where Dionne lives.
She's my friend because we both know what it's like
to have people be jealous of us.
Girlfriend...
And I must give her snaps for her courageous fashion efforts.
Hey, Cher.
Dionne and I were both named after great singers of the past
who now do infomercials.
So?
Been shopping with Dr. Seuss?
Well, at least I wouldn't skin a collie to make my backpack.
It's faux.
Hello! That was a stop sign.
I totally paused.
Yeah. O.K.
It's not even 8:30, and Murray is paging me.
He is so possessive.
Tell me about it. This weekend he called me up, and he's all,
"where were you today?" I'm like–
Dionne and her boyfriend, Murray
are in this dramatic relationship.
I think they've seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie
just too many times.
Now, I have to say to her...
Dee, why do you put up with it? You could do so much better.
I know. Shh. Here he comes.
Woman, why don't you be answering any of my pages?
I hate when you call me woman.
Where you been all weekend? Wassup?
You jeepin' behind my back?
-Jeepin'? -Jeepin'. Jeepin'.
No! But speaking of vehicular sex,
perhaps you can explain how this Kmart hair extension
got into the back seat of your car.
I don't know where that came from.
That looks like one of your stringy something anothers you got up in your–
I do not wear polyester hair, O.K.?
Unlike some people I know, like Shawanna.
Dee, I'm outie.
Bye.
-Why do you gotta go there? -That's it. I've had it with you.
Is it that time of the month again?
I don't know why
Dionne's going out with a high school boy.
They're like dogs.
You have to clean them and feed them.
They're just like these nervous creatures
that jump and slobber all over you.
Ew! Get off of me!
[crash]
Oh, as if!
Should all oppressed people be allowed refuge in America?
Amber will take the con position.
Cher will be pro.
Cher, two minutes.
So. O.K.
Like, right now, for example,
the Haiti-ans need to come to America.
But some people are all,
"what about the strain on our resources?"
But then it's like, when i had this garden party
for my father's birthday, right?
I said RSVP because it was a sit-down dinner.
But people came that, like, did not RSVP,
so i was, like, totally buggin'.
I had to haul ass to the kitchen,
redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings.
By the end of the day,
it was, like, the more the merrier.
And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen,
rearrange some things,
we could certainly party with the Haiti-ans.
And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say RSVP
on the Statue of Liberty?
-Whoo! -Yeah!
Thank you very much.
[applause]
Amber, reply?
Mr. Hall, how can I answer that?
The topic is Haiti,
and she's talking about some little party.
Hello! It was his 50th birthday.
Whatever.
If she doesn't do the assignment, I can't do mine.
Ladies.
So, does anyone have any further thoughts on Cher's oration?
Elton, comments?
Yeah, I can't find my Cranberries CD.
I got to go to the quad before somebody snags it.
I'm afraid I can't permit that.
Any further insights?
I have an insight, Mr. Hall.
I'm all ears.
O.K., like, the way I feel about The Rolling Stones
is the way my kids are going to feel about Nine Inch Nails,
so I really shouldn't torment my mom anymore, huh?
Yes, well, it's a little off the subject of Haiti,
but tolerance is always a good lesson.
Even when it comes out of nowhere.
And with that in mind,
I'm going to distribute your report cards.
Now, is there a Christian Stovitz in this class?
Mr. Hall, the buzz on Christian
is that his parents have joint custody,
so he'll be spending one semester in Chicago
and one semester here.
I think it is a travesty of the legal profession.
Thank you for that perspective, Cher.
[whimpering]
Now could all conversations please come to a halt?
And could the suicide attempts
please be postponed till the next period?
Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over first period.
I got a "C" in debate?
[bell ringing]
-Dee? -Sup?
Did you get your report card?
Yeah. I'm toast. How did you do?
I totally choked.
My father's going to go ballistic on me.
Mr. Hall was way harsh.
He gave me a C-minus.
Well, he gave me a "C," which drags down my entire average.
Bye.
-I'll call you, okay? -Yeah.
Isn't my house classic?
The columns date all the way back to 1972.
Wasn't my mom a betty?
She died when i was just a baby.
A fluke accident during a routine liposuction.
I don't remember her,
but i like to pretend she still watches over me.
Hey, mom. 98 in geometry. pretty groovy, huh?
[soft music playing]
Yuck! The maudlin music of the university station?
Wah wah wah!
Yuck! What is it about college and crybaby music?
Hey.
Who's watching the galleria?
So, the flannel shirt deal, is that a nod
to the crispy Seattle weather,
or are you trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?
-Ow! -Oh, wow, you're filling out there.
Oh, wow, your face is catching up with your mouth.
I went by dad's office.
He is not your dad. Go torture a new family.
Hey, just because my mother marries someone else
doesn't mean he's my father.
Actually Kato, that's exactly what it means.
I hope you're not thinking of staying here.
-I sure want to. -I'm sure you do.
I got a place in Westwood near school.
Shouldn't you go to school on the East Coast?
I hear girls at NYU aren't at all particular.
You're funny.
Hey!
You just got here, and already you're playing couch commando.
In some parts of the universe, maybe not in contempo casual,
but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.
Thank you, Josh. I so need lessons from you on how to be cool.
Tell me that part about Kenny G. Again.
Come on, you chuckleheads! Get in here!
Josh, are you still growing?
You look taller than you did at Easter.
I don't think so.
-Doesn't he look bigger? -His head does.
So, Josh, have you given any thought
to our little discussion about corporate law?
Yeah, you know. But I think I'd really like to check out environmental law.
What for? You want to have a miserable, frustrating life?
Oh, Josh will have that no matter what he does.
At least he knows what he wants to do,
and he's in a good college.
I'd like to see you have a little bit of direction.
I have direction.
Yeah. Towards the mall.
Which reminds me, where's your report card?
It's not ready yet.
What do you mean it's not ready yet?
Well, some teachers were trying to lowball me, daddy.
And I know how you say never accept a first offer,
so I figure these grades are a jumping-off point
to start negotiations.
Very good.
[telephone rings]
-Dee? -Yeah?
Hello? Yeah, Jake. What?
No! Not the afternoon!
You are such a brown-noser.
You are such a superficial space cadet.
What makes you think your teachers will change your grades?
Only the fact that I've done it every other semester.
I told my P.E. teacher
an evil male had broken my heart.
so she raised my "C" to a "B."
-I feel so miserable. -They're horrible! Don't feel bad!
Don't feel bad. I know, and you see they're all like this.
Then i promised Miss Geist
I'd start a letter-writing campaign to my congressman
about violations of the clean air act.