-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
You're here. You're watching.
You made it. Thank you very much.
Let's get to some news. Well, guys, last night
President Biden made the big announcement
that the U.S. took out the leader of al-Qaeda,
Ayman al-Zawahiri, with a drone strike. Watch this.
-We make it clear again tonight, that no matter
how long it takes, no matter where you hide,
if you are a threat to our people,
the United States will find you and take you out.
[ Laughter ]
-I'm pretty sure he's just quoting Liam Neeson in "Taken,"
but it works. [ Laughter and applause ]
It works. Whatever it was, it works.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's right. "We will find you."
Yeah, Biden took out al-Zawahiri,
Obama took out bin Laden,
and Trump said, "Okay, who wants to order take-out?"
[ Laughter ] "I'm getting two buckets for me.
I'm getting the double bucket." [ Laughter ]
Yeah, they took him out with a drone.
And if that didn't work, they were just going to send him
an envelope that Biden licked.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. They got him with a drone.
His last words were "Wait, did I order same-day delivery?
What is --" [ Laughter ]
Yeah, Biden's on quite a run.
Last week the climate and economy bill,
this week a major al-Qaeda takedown.
Is it just me, or is COVID really working for Biden?
[ Laughter ]
Remember the 2020 election?
He basically won that from his basement.
[ Laughter ] I think the takeaway for Biden
is order a Snuggie and stay home.
This is all good.
[ Cheers and applause ]
This is good for you, Joe!
You can tell Biden is feeling pretty good about the week
he's having -- in fact he even sent his team an idea
for his official White House portrait.
Take a look at this.
Not bad! [ Laughter ]
I like it. -Nice.
-I like it.
Well, everyone is talking about this, even though China said
that there would be consequences, Nancy Pelosi
ignored the warnings and decided to visit Taiwan.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Poor Biden. He took out the top leader of
al-Qaeda, and everyone's like "Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nancy just landed in Taiwan? What's going on?"
[ Laughter ]
Biden is like, "It's a bold move that definitely could have
waited until I was out of office!"
[ Laughter ]
Pelosi has clearly stolen the headlines from Biden.
Now, to get back on top, Biden is thinking about getting
COVID a third time.
[ Laughter ]
Most Americans didn't care that China was mad
until they remembered that China still owns TikTok.
They're like, "Nancy, what have you done?"
[ Laughter ]
Russia weighed in on Pelosi's trip and said that her visit is
provocative and increases tensions.
Even China was like, "Uh, you might want to
sit this one out, Russia."
Did you guys hear about this?
The Missouri Senate Republican primary was today,
and ahead of the vote, former president Trump endorsed "Eric."
[ Laughter ]
The only problem is, there are two Erics in the race.
[ Laughter ]
And both of them claim that the endorsement was for them.
[ Laughter ]
That's like a Bachelorette
saying that she's falling for Ryan.
[ Laughter ] It's like, there's three Ryans!
Ryan M. or Ryan B.?
Either way, tonight Trump is gonna be like, "I called it.
Eric won. He's my favorite Eric.
He's the most beautiful Eric. Double-bucket me."
[ Laughter ]
Guys, listen to this. I read that Tiger Woods
turned down an $800 million offer to join
the Saudi-backed LIV golf tournament.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. He turned them down.
The last time Tiger lost $800 million
is when he dropped his wallet.
[ Laughter ]
Some business news, Amazon just started offering same-day
deliveries from mall stores like Diesel, PacSun, and GNC.
That's right. It's big news.
Diesel is still in business.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, they're making deliveries from Diesel, PacSun,
and apparently 2007.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, guys, I saw that over 100,000 pounds of frozen
P.F. Chang's meals were recalled because they were mislabeled.
As "food."
[ Laughter ] No. I'm -- Hey.
-Hey. -Hey.
-Come on, now. Come on. [ Cheers and applause ]
Come on now. -Come on now.
-Come on now.
Yep, some TV news, on last night's episode
of "The Bachelorette," there were lots of deep conversations.
One moment in particular was so powerful
that it inspired some new drinking games.
-Yeah, that's right, Jimmy.
I decided to play a drinking game where I take a shot
every time Gabby says "yeah" on her date with Jason.
-Tariq, that sounds really dangerous.
-Come on, Jimmy, how many times can she say it on one date?
[ Laughs ] Roll the clip.
-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-You okay, Tariq?
-[ Laughing ] You're my best friend, Jimmy!
[ Cheers and applause ]
We -- We should start a b--
We should all start a band together!
-Oh, no, alright, alright, alright.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Alright, very good. Why don't you -- Why don't --
Take him -- Take him backstage
and let him lie down on an Army cot.
[ Laughter ]
Let him dry off.
-Now he's laying --
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah, last night's episode of
"The Bachelorette" got pretty intense.
[ Laughter ] Rachel broke up with Hayden,
but Hayden kept talking about how much he loves his dog Rambo.
And the show can get pretty emotional,
so I thought that we could help.
Here's that moment revoiced with
the least emotional person we know -- Siri.
This is "Let's Get Siri-ous."
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Let's get Siri-ous.
-Do you know why I'm talking to you right now?
No, Rachel, I don't. You don't know?
I'm assuming it's about Rambo. About the dog?
Uh, I think so.
I was willing to kind of move forward this week.
And the next day you went and said,
"I can't trust these bitches."
That's not what I said.
Did you make comments comparing me to your ex?
No. No. No.
This is kind of the end of my rope.
I'm hitting roadblock after roadblock after roadblock
and I can't keep doing it.
Can I walk you out? Yes.
I am blessed that I have Rambo, who loves me unconditionally.
I'm ready. I'm ready to see Rambo.
-Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
"Roadblock after roadblock after roadblock."
Hey, guys, get this. A man in New Hampshire was
arrested after police said that he was driving
161 miles per hour in a 70-mile-per-hour zone.
Yeah, when they asked him if he saw the speed limit, he said,
"I couldn't, the sign was blurry."
[ Laughter ]
Guys, finally, it is Tuesday, it is time for "WeTweet."
Here we go. [ Cheers and applause ]
-♪ WeTweet ♪
♪ WeTweet ♪
-Welcome to "WeTweet." This is where we, as a group,
decide something that we should post on Twitter.
I'm gonna show you five different tweets.
We're all gonna vote on whether you like each one or not.
You all have voting clickers at your seats.
I can see everyone scrambling, yeah.
Some of you have 'em, some of 'em don't.
Okay, well, look. Borrow your friend's.
You can all vote for -- You can vote for all of them, okay?
Or you can vote for none of them.
Whatever you want to do. I want you to have fun.
You're here. I'm happy you're here.
We're gonna see the results live.
Higgins, Roots, you guys have clickers?
-Got it, got it. -Very good.
Whatever tweet gets the most likes, we will tweet it out live
on the show so that you can all like it and "wetweet" it.
[ Audience groans ] Yeah. It's a shared experience.
There's no groan --
There's no "groan" button on these, are there?
-Is there? -Alright, here we go.
Ready to do this? [ Cheers ]
Alright.
The first tweet is...
[ Light laughter ]
I dunno, the band even came in late on that one.
Yeah. Alright.
I don't think anyone liked that one.
[ Laughter ]
Are the votes -- The votes are close, I can already tell.
Let's see the results, let's see who voted for it.
Ooh. My goodness. [ Sad tuba plays ]
-Wow.
-"Hey, my eyes are up here, bud."
[ Laughter ]
That's alright. We have four more chances.
-Yeah. -This next one is...
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah, not too bad. -Not bad.
-That's dece. -It's dece?
-Dece? -Yeah, that's decent.
I'm gonna say -- I haven't put my vote in yet.
-I'm gonna say 80.
-I'm not -- I'm gonna vote no on it.
-You're gonna vote no? -Yeah.
-Alright, let's see it.
-Why would I vote no?
I gotta be honest. -Yeah.
-I gotta be real. Gotta be truthful.
-Yeah. -And that's the way I feel.
-Wow. -I feel like other ones --
Something else will be the one. It's not this one.
I think it's funny. -Right. Clever.
-There's no reason that
the 5-pound weights should be smaller.
-Right. -They're all the same size.
Oh, I guess -- -They are different sizes.
[ Laughter ]
-Size doesn't matter, Jimmy. -Yeah.
-You've been telling me that for years.
I've been saying that for years! -Finally, thank you.
I've been saying that for -- [ Cheers and applause ]
Let's see the results here. I say 50/50.
Oh, not bad. Alright, good. That's good.
That's good.
We got some positivity in the audience, I love that.
Alright. Here we go.
This next one is...
[ Laughter ]
-That's a good one!
-"Where -- Hello?" -"Uh, where are we?"
[ Laughter ]
I like this one. This one seems promising to me.
Last one was 135. It's a very happy, positive audience.
I'm going to say it's up in the 170 range.
-70s? -I agree. I agree.
-Okay. -Tariq agrees.
Let's see the results.
Oh!
[ Cheers and applause ]
190!
That's a hit! -Snap.
-That's a hit right there. -193.
-"Uh, where are we?" -My godness.
-Yeah. Here, check out this next one here. It said...
[ Laughter ]
-That's a good one too. -It's a good one. It's long.
-Yeah. -But it's good.
'Cause when one of that thing goes off, you're like, "Ohh!"
[ Laughter ]
Alright. Let's see the results on this.
-Ohh. -That's good!
[ Cheers and applause ]
We're down to our last one. -Last is good.
-But I don't think you're gonna top the bowling ball one.
-No. -But this one might do it.
-The bowling ball one's quirky. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] -Well, aren't we all?
-Yeah, why not?
-I think this one is just kind of a solid...
-B, C?
-No, this is a solid A.
This is a good one. -Really?
-This one could win the whole thing.
I hope that the bowling ball one wins.
-Right, but this one might. This one might take the cake.
-I feel like it might. -Okay, let's hear it.
-I dunno.
[ Laughter ]
-That's smart. -I -- Yeah, but I --
Don't get me -- It's a thinker.
It's a bit of a thinker.
-You know what I'm saying? -Yeah.
-But bowling ball wasn't a thinker?
-Nah, bowling ball was the jam. -That was a jam?
-Yeah, bowling ball was the G.O.A.T. of today.
-Alright, let's see. What do you guys think?
Let's see the results.
There's your answer right there.
It is bowling ball. It is "where are we?"
I'm gonna post this during the commercial break.
If you see it on your feed,
give it a like, give it a "wetweet," enjoy!