Do you want to know what to do with a failure to launch child? Well, you are not alone. There
are so many parents who are wondering how to help their child launch into adulthood. I'm Nicholeen
Peck and I'm going to be talking today about failure to launch and what you can do about it.
Failure to launch is a really common problem that is happening now and I know that you are worried
about this problem with maybe somebody that you love, one of your children or maybe one of your
friends children or something like that. In this video we're going to talk about what not to do
because that's important and then also what to do to help that child launch out of the nest
and get on that road to adulthood. I'm the mother of 4 and I'm also the previous foster parent
of many troubled teens. I have raised many young people to the age where they need to launch into
adulthood. In fact, I only have one child left at home now and he is 17 and sometimes I think he's
already launched because he's doing so many things. Working 3 jobs, doing college even though he's
a little bit early at that, he's always working out, going to the gym, doing work around the house, doing
yard work, the guy is always on the move. So, this is the type of scenario that's perfect for launching
from the home but what about the young person who does not want to launch or feels maybe unsure
about launching, they're a little nervous, there's a lot of anxiety maybe associated with going out on
their own, how do you help them take those steps to launch so that they can find the confidence that's
on the other side of getting into adulthood? Well today we're going to talk about some key things
that you don't want to do first and then we're going to touch on what you should do. The number
one thing that you should not do is do not cuddle the child. Do not do too much for them. Don't make
them food all of the time, don't do their laundry, don't clean the bathroom that they are using,
don't do any of those things. They need to do work. Children benefit greatly by learning how to work
and have a really great work ethic. In fact, work builds confidence. I know sometimes we think well,
they won't do it themselves so I have to do it for them or they act like they can't do it or
they give me a lot of grief about it and I don't want to deal with it. They have to do it. In fact,
if they won't do it, then they are showing you that they are absolutely not fit to stay at your
house any longer. Now as much as I'm not the type of parent that encourages kicking people out of
the house, there are some times that parents have to start making plans for the removal of a child
if it gets to that point. We'll talk about that in a minute. Another thing that you don't want to do
is you don't want to make all the plans for leaving the home for your child. You also don't
want to give them lots of perks like internet and phones and cars and all the things that
they might want to work toward as an adult. If a parent gives their child too many things, then
why would the child want to take the steps to get those things for themselves? Now, this doesn't mean
that there's not a place for sometimes saying hey, let's make plans for yourself. You get an apartment,
we will help you with the first month's rent or we will help you make the transition by doing this.
We'll help by putting you on our home phone plan while you are living there but until then, no.
So, you can help them leave the nest and launch into some of these next steps in their life by
making a few plans like that but definitely do not give them everything, especially while
they're living at your house. So, what should you do to help them launch? Let's go there. But before
we do. hit the subscribe button. This channel is full of videos about family communication,
about self-government and helping children mature which is I think what you're trying to go for here.
So, click subscribe now and then we'll talk more about what you should do to help those children
launch. As soon as possible, start having regular meetings as a family and individually with your
child. So, just declare these are mandatory meetings, we all live together in a group,
we have to figure out the best way to work and live together. If you're going to live here, this
is part of your life. You have to just fit these in, that's how it goes. If a person will not attend
your meetings that you're having to help them and to help the family, they might need to be kicked
out. You might have to have them removed if they are already an adult and they won't talk to you
about your relationship or making plans for their future or the future of the family, they're already
disconnected enough, they probably need to go and I know some people worry that it might not be safe
but honestly, is it safe for them to be developing like this? No. They might need a few hard knocks
and sometimes those hard knocks bring them back to hmm, maybe those lessons from my parents were not
so bad after all. So, tell them you're going to have meetings. Every week there's going to be a family
meeting and you're also going to have a time where you go out to lunch with them once a week and
have a meeting just the 2 of you. Now in these meetings you're going to be setting goals for
the family, you're going to be talking about issues that relate to the family, that's what will happen
in the family meeting and then in the individual meeting, that mentor meeting that you have, you're
going to be talking about goals for the child and your relationship development with the child.
It is vital that you spend time developing your relationship which means that they need to have
time out of their room, out of their basement, out of their life things and they need to schedule it
for spending time with you and developing those bonds with you. At least you can have that going
even though they're not moving on to other adult things yet. What types of goals might you want to
start with? Let's start with something small. Some people have anxiety about making big changes in
their life. Some people feel like they're not grown up yet, well because they're not.
The prefrontal cortex of the brain does not fully develop until a person is between the
ages of 18 and 25 years old, so what that means is they might be 23 or 24 sitting in your basement
and feeling like I don't think I'm ready. I don't think I can live on my own. Well at this
point, they've got to have experience. Experience is going to be the teacher. They have to step
out of the comfort zone, do the hard thing even if they think they can't and sometimes you might have
to see them go through a little bit of a panic in order to make that happen for them. You're going
to set little goals at first though because that anxiety level might be a little bit high,
so what might be a first goal that you're going to set? Maybe the first goal would be something like
this week, let's fill out 5 job applications, that's step number 1, okay? Then maybe after
that, this week let's fill out 10 job applications and follow up on 5 of them, then comes this week
let's sit down and make a plan for what you want your life to be like in 5 years. Okay now this
week let's go talk to somebody who is involved in the type of career that you want to have or who
is working at the place you hope to get a job at? So, then you take them there and they discuss. This
week let's plan when you can get a car of your own because you don't get to have ours. So, we now need
to make a plan for how much money you need to make to get something that's decent to get you around
and how you're going to go about saving that money. You can take all of those little things that are
part of their life and turn them into goals. This week let's talk about how you can get a phone of
your own. Let's talk about what you might need to save or where you can buy a used one or things
like that and talk about budgeting money. You might talk to them about developing a resume if they
don't know how to do that. So, each week you take on a new thing. Now, another thing you're going to want
to do is make sure that they are doing daily jobs in the home, especially if they don't have a job. If
they have a job and they're really busy, make sure that there's something that they should be doing
weekly to contribute to the family, that's super important and also make sure that they understand
that while they're at your house that hooking into the internet all the time or their device
all the time does not make for good relationships. And so maybe you're going to have on time and
off times with digital. Now that right there might just send them out the door, okay? It's true because
people don't want to have on times and off times with their digital devices especially if they see
themselves as an adult. But here's the news, they're not an adult. It doesn't matter if they're 34.
If they have not launched yet, they are not fully an adult. They are still a dependent
of you and so that means that you can still tell them these are the rules in this place
because this is my house. You have every right to make those rules. In fact it helps them to
make those rules because it helps them realize that everyone can make rules for them so long
as they are not fully taking care of themselves. This should hopefully motivate them forward a
little bit. If they don't want to have on times and off times with their media and their devices,
then they might need to get a place of their own, right, and that's a good thing. So, then help
them find places of their own. You can help with the searching, you can help with the finance of
figuring out how it's going to work but let them do the bulk of it, the lion's share. They've got
to accomplish good things and big things in order to know that they can be an adult all
on their own. Another thing you might want to tell a child who is maybe especially anxious
is that you will be there for them. If they have questions, they can always ask you questions.
You will help them talk about or think through anything and that they don't have to worry about
succeeding, that you will help them succeed. That doesn't mean you'll pay all their bills for them
and do everything for them but you're not going to let them fall down when they're in these learning
years of developing their adult wings, okay, and learning how to fly because there is a process
of learning and growth before a person feels completely confident in taking on the full
weight of everything themselves. So, make sure that they know that too. You and your child will have a
much richer relationship once they are going on to becoming the adult that they were meant to be.
Help push them kindly and lovingly in that direction but also make sure that you are
firm in what you expect to happen at your house so long as they are there and that you are going to
focus on help moving them in a forward direction. It could be that your child is trapped, trapped by
some expectations that they have that maybe they think that they cannot achieve. Well if you've
enjoyed this video, I know you will love my next video which is actually a full-length class and
it is called "The Expectation Trap versus The Cycle for Success." Listen to that video, discuss it with
your child and help them and yourself make plans for more relationship success and more successful
days in genera. Click on the link now to the Expectation Trap class, I know you'll like it.