Alright, for those of you that don't know, I have a cat, named Tiffany
And first off, I know what you're saying:
"Another goddamn cat story? What kind of pervert is this guy?!"
Well, I don't care. I'm telling it anyways
Now, my cat Tiffany is.. well.. there's no good way to put it, she's an asshole!
That's why I named her Tiffany in the first place
Because every Tiffany that I've ever met in my life was an asshole!
She also isn't fixed either
So that means she would do that really cool thing, where she'd meow every 5 goddamn minutes of my life
Driving everybody crazy!
Meow..
Meow.. Mrrreeeowwww..
Meow.. Mrrreeeowwww.. MEOW!
Not to mention, she keeps getting outside the house, looking for some cat booty
So clearly, we have to get her fixed
Because I know if I don't
I'm gonna walk into my house one day
See Tiffany there with a bunch of baby kittens, like:
"Hey, how's it going?"
"Oh yeah, by the way, I had some babies all over your fuckin' living room floor!"
"Hope you don't mind!"
No, that is not happening!
So my fiancee calls the vet, and schedules an appointment to get her fixed
Now, we also have a dog, named Zeke
And we figured: "Ah, what the hell? We might as well get him fixed too!"
Maybe they will hook us up on a deal "Two for one special"
"Buy one - get one coupon pet neuter specialty"
Who the hell knows
Now, Zeke is a Golden Retriever
And everybody loves Golden Retrievers
Because they think of sweet dogs, like Air Bud.. or..
Shadow from Homeward Bound
And that's what I was thinking, when I got him too! I was like:
"Ah, hell yeah! I'm about to be playing basketball with this dog in my driveway!"
"Maybe he'll save Tiffany's ass from a waterfall or something, who knows!"
But no, we didn't get Air Bud, we got Zeke the dog, that's what we got!
And Zeke the dog doesn't play basketball
He eats turds out of the litter box instead That's what Zeke the dog does!
"Well, they were just laying there, looking delicious!"
"What was I supposed to do?!"
So the morning of the appoinment rolls around, we got Zeke on his leash, ready to take him to the vet
He's got no idea, what's going on, he's got no objections whatsoever!
"What are they gonna do to my balls?"
"Ah, hell, I don't care, as long as I get to ride in the car!"
"Let's go on the car ride! Woooweee!"
But Tiffany, on the other hand, she knows something's up right from the get-go!
"What do you think you're doing with that box, huh?!"
"That dumbass dog might be cool with you cutting off his fun parts.."
"But I sure as hell ain't!"
I'm gonna pick her up, she starts freaking the hell out
She's squirming around, turns into a blurry brown ball, like a goddamn Sonic the Hedgehog character
She's scratching the shit out of me
The only way I could get her into her carrier was to Michael Jordan's Slam Dunk her ass into it!
Here's a picture of my arm afterwards Needless to say, it didn't go too well
We walk into the vet office, I still got blood dripping down my arm and shit
People are looking at me, like I just walked away from a car accident
"Yeah, I'm here for you to fix my cat"
"And feel free to be a little rough with her too, when you do it!"
Now, there's other people there, that getting their pets fixed also
And at that point, just about every dog in that room knew something was up!
As soon as they walked into that office, they're like:
"Wwwooohhh... I don't like this shit one bit!"
The vet has to practically drag everybody's dog into the backroom
But not our dog Zeke!
No way, he practically tap dances his ass back there!
Like there's a fuckin' open pack of hotdogs on the other side waiting for him
"Oh, I like you! You're my new best friend! I don't care, what you do with my crotch"
"Ah he's so friendly! Does he do any tricks?"
"Uhm.. well.. he knows his way around the litter box, that's for sure!"
So good six hours go by
And I head back to the vet office
To pick up my own little shitty version of Milo and Otis
And they give us all a quick speech on what to expect with our animals
"Well, since we just mutilated your pets' genitals.."
"They may be a little groggy from the anaesthesia still"
They bring out everybody's dog one by one
They're all half awake, they got big-ass cones around their heads
Looking like a satellite dish and shit!
"Something is different. And I don't like it"
But all of a sudden, here comes Zeke, prancing out like nothing even happened
He's doing backflips and shit
"Lethargic my ass! What happened? You guys cut off the right part, right?"
"They patted me and they game me treats!"
"So I let them have their way with me"
Meanwhile Tiffany's glaring at me through her cage
"I'm never gonna forgive your ass for this!"
"Yeah, well, you damn near ripped my arm off at the elbow"
"So I'd say we're about even"
So at the end of it, we made Bob Barker proud and got out pets fixed
Also, I didn't lose my arm to an infection
And Zeke couldn't eat anymore cat turds for a while
Because his satellite head was way too god damn big for the litter box!
The end.
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