Hey.
This is Jack and Clayton.
And this video is about the number one vulnerability that your man may never share with you.
So, the aim of this video is to really help pull back the hood on the male psyche and
explore something that a lot of men probably experience but may not actually be in touch
with themselves, far less be able to communicate to you.
So, our aim in this video is to really serve you by giving you more understanding and perhaps
some tools that will have you have your man open up more to you.
This is really important because when you understand some of the perhaps the key vulnerabilities
that men are holding inside themselves: one, you can start to understand their actions
more fully, you can understand why they pull away, you can understand why they leave, you
can understand why perhaps they start to act cold and calloused or emotionally unavailable.
And what that does when you have this understanding is you then have the freedom to no longer
take what they're doing.
So personally, and think that it's something that is a reflection of your value but rather
you can understand it's something it's a struggle that he's going through internally.
Yes.
And just so the gross point right most men when they're struggling internally don't find
it easy to communicate that.
They may get short, they may appear stressed but they're probably not going to be able
to articulate succinctly, “Hey this is what's up with me.
This is what my internal struggle is.”
Yep.
Absolutely and this internal struggle is there, whether you are just meeting a guy, whether
you're talking to him on an online dating app, whether he's approaching you, whether
you've been on several dates, or whether you're in a relationship with a guy right now and
really getting to know him.
And that internal struggle the best way to say it is that at a core level within a masculine
man there is a deep sense of inadequacy.
It's a question about whether or not they're good enough.
It's a question about whether or not they can really take out in the world and the way
that they want to.
It's a question about whether or not they can perform with you, about whether or not
they can love you in the way that you need to be loved a question about, whether or not
they can actually make you happy.
And now the difference between confident men really confident men and guys that are really
insecure, it's not that they don't have this voice there, it's not that this insecurity
is not there, it's just the confident men don't allow their actions to be an expression
of this deep fear – where men that may come off more insecure are the ones that are very
reactive to this internal message.
I think you've called it almost like the Internal Critic Metaphor.
Yes.
The Inner Critic.
It’s like the voice that’s running…
The voice of doubt.
The voice of self-criticism.
The voice that tends to find the things that you're not good at, find the potential things
that could go wrong, blow them up and kind of play it over and over again.
Totally.
Yes and so how do we know that this exists within men?
Well I'll tell you number one for from personal experience.
I feel it within me and I've worked with hundreds of guys one on one and when we get down to
the core of what's actually happening, it's this fear that is stopping them from being
vulnerable and maybe taking things to the next step with women, So, we see it come out
in the ways that men compete with each other.
We see it come out in the ways where men are driven for status.
We see it in the ways in which a man may begin to feel that he is not able to solve your
problems.
You bring some type of emotional situation to him.
A difficulty to him and what happens he starts to close down.
And it's not he's closing down because he can't necessarily deal the emotion it's that
he believes in some way that it's his job to solve that problem and he feels like he
can't solve it.
He starts to feel inadequate and if this builds up too much he might split the relationship
or disconnect.
This also happens in the way of how a man might approach a woman, might approach you
out at the bar or out in a social setting.
This fear of rejection and what might happen is if he doesn't feel that you are receptive,
if he feels that in some way he might get rejected by you, that is just hanging there
in the balance like just waiting to be tickled.
And so, what you might find is a guy that is overly aggressive, or you might find guys
that are overly passive.
Because they're grappling with this internal fear of not being good enough so that said
what is the solution right because we know that this fear at a core level contorts men
to act in ways that are not that are not authentic and that maybe in some realms offensive to
you.
So, how do we begin to minimize this and how can you begin what can you specifically do
to help a guy maybe move through this and begin to connect with you in a more vulnerable
authentic way?
Yes.
So of one way of framing that is to say how can you be the maximum opportunity for him
to be emotionally vulnerable and authentic?
So, that's our frame.
Then one of the things that's important I think is to be able to attune enough to a
man to notice when those maximum moments of opportunity are because I think a lot of times
women have a difficult experience of connecting emotionally to men and that and that's totally
legitimate in the sense that they're reading that accurately.
Because you know for a lot of men and no you've talked before about male differentiated brains
and you can pick that up in other videos but for those sort of just the kind of core essence
of most masculine men, they're not that emotionally available when they're engaged in something
that is their struggle in the world.
So, I think a lot of this is about creating spaces and opportunities where it's increasingly
comfortable for a guy to slow down a bit relax and actually start to tune into his emotional
experience more and maybe connect with his woman about his emotional experience.
And so, how can you start to think about creating those opportunities in terms of physical environment,
in terms of romantic things that you do, in terms of maybe just putting your hands on
his shoulders and kind of like helping him like let the day go and relax?
And that's not making that your responsibility right he also has a self-regulation responsibility
but if that's what you're looking for more of is actually getting to the vulnerability
of your man then you might want to do everything that's going to contribute in that direction.
So, what I hear you saying is it's looking for opportunities and ways to help a man feel
emotionally safe.
Yes.
I'm glad you've named it that's a good way of saying.
Yes.
So, in one way if you're already in a relationship with a guy, it's understanding that this fear
might be just under the surface tickling there.
And if you are maybe in the beginning stages of dating, that emotional safety actually
can be created through I'm imagining receptivity.
Through actually you being a little bit vulnerable and taking on a leadership role in the world
of emotions because guys are typically a little bit more locked up there.
So, that might be you revealing things about yourself that might be you revealing your
emotions not in a way that overwhelms him but just kind of like how you're feeling and
being curious and showing him that there's a green light.
There's a green light for him to initiate in other ways rather than necessarily kind
of lock up and feel like, “Oh god I don't know if she's receptive I might get rejected.”
Yes.
I think most women may be at risk of underestimating how difficult that is for some men.
Like a guy who's seemingly you know confident successful crushing it in the world right
but actually being in touch with the you know his inner child the places where he's wounded
the places, where he got shut down as a kid, that the places where he's worried about whether
he's gonna have enough money next year, or whatever his struggles are, that that that
tends to actually be hard to talk about.
Even if there's so many other things where he's completely self-confident and autonomous.
And it can be even more difficult for those types of guys…
Right.
Because there's an image around that…
There's an image of who they are right and then suddenly in this context connecting with
a woman, taking risk with a woman, actually being connected to your heart or initiating
to get rejected, it feels like it goes against his own self-image of who he is.
It's like I'd rather not take the risk and so what I find is a lot of men that I've worked
with are very successful in certain areas of their life, but they don't give the attention
to the places where they're weak because it's just too painful to see those areas of development.
And you can bet that any guy that's typically dominant, all over dominant, there's probably
some kind of compensation.
I'm guessing there so the more dominant the guy probably the more vulnerable even if that's
like very hard to see it's gonna be buried in there somewhere.
Yes.
I love that that's great.
So, we've got a webinar coming up and it's called the Three Keys To Being Relationship
Ready – How You Can Attract A High Quality Man.
And we dive deep into what we're talking about here we talk about vulnerability.
We talk about different roles in different ways you may be blocking your own authenticity
when on a date with a guy which actually stops him from being able to connect with you.
And we also reveal the one question that every man is actually asking inside his mind that
he'll never say out loud that determines whether he commits to you or not.
The answer that question, determines whether he commits to you or not.
So, we're really excited about it and we'd love to have you on it and totally check this
out.
You'll see a link below this video you can click that.
You can choose a time that works for you and you know we really show up for the webinar
because we've had fantastic feedback from people who've gone through it.
It can be really transformational.
We would love to see you there you.