- Listen, I know what I like.
I like bondage.
I'm into like, getting tied up.
I'm into watching girls getting tied up.
I don't...
I'll sell it to you, ladies.
If you're not into it, you're about to be.
Guess what, bondage?
Forced laziness.
You don't have to do anything (audience laughing)
to him if you're tied up. (audience laughing)
I want to jerk you off but my hands are tied.
(audience laughing) Let me out, let me out.
No, no, no, I'm just kidding, it's fine.
Just leave it. (audience laughing)
What are you doing? (audience laughing)
There's a ball gag in your mouth, no dick in your head.
It's just very comfortable. (audience laughing)
You make it look like a struggle.
You're like, oh no, ah. (audience laughing)
But, it's easy breezy man.
(audience laughing)
They blindfold you, oh my God.
Oh no, I can't see you how am I gonna cum?
Easily, thank you for the assist.
(audience laughing and clapping)
It's so good. (audience laughing)
But bondage porn there's-
it's always like in a cellar with like dripping walls.
Or like a warehouse and she's just like abandoned.
It's like, can't she be comfortable?
I don't understand why there always has to be a guy
with a welders mask and a purpose, like with a stick.
Like, can't it be nicer?
But it can't be, they're always mean to her
and I'm just like be nice! (audience laughing)
Like she's invited all these dudes over.
You guys- one of you showed up late.
There's nowhere for your dick to go now
and so I hate that guy, he's always just like where do I go?
Where do I go? (audience laughing)
It's just like, go fill the BRITA, Tony.
Why were you late? Like- (audience laughing)
Do something useful.
We're all going to be very dehydrated after this.
(audience laughing)
But-
(audience laughing)
No.
(laughing)
Then- Then Tony's just like hitting
his dick on her shoulder.
As if that's doing anything for either of them.
And it's just like, look inside yourself, Tony.
Why were you late?
(audience laughing)
God!
(audience laughing)
She's not like a bison on the Great Plains.
You- You don't need to use every single part of her-
(audience laughing)
-to honor her. (audience laughing)
Gangbangs? Like I love gangbangs,
but I'm just looking for like a respectful gangbang.
Like, why not, just a nice, be nice to her.
A respectful gangbang? That would just be a girl tied up- ummm
and guys are doing lots of things to her down here.
And then up here, a guy's just brushing her hair
and telling her she's strong.
(audience laughing)
Respectful. (audience laughing)
It's all I want.
You know what's frustrating about masturbating
when you're a woman?
It's that you can't really fuck yourself, you know?
Like, you can do clit stuff or whatever,
but truly having- being penetrated,
it's hard to do to yourself.
Like this is-
And it's hard to come from that
if you're like doing a crossfit sequence
as you're like getting tennis elbow.
I mean, it's a lot of work and I always give up.
I'm just like, this is too hard.
And that's why I get so jealous of guys
because I'm like (sighs)
jerking off is so easy for guys.
It's just this.
That's so, that's literally,
that's what you do when think- when you say something is easy.
You're just like, oh well fuck it,
bang it out and go to Chipotle man.
(audience laughing)
Just get the reports done then we'll go to the game.
Like that's how easy that is. (audience laughing)
Ugh, I'm jealous,
'cause I like a dick in me.
I'm sorry, I like getting stuffed.
(audience laughing)
I do, it feels good
and I'm not gonna apologize for it.
I just like, but the problem is, and people are like,
"oh then why don't you just go have sex, Nikki?
If you want to catch a dick in, go out and get one."
And it's like, I would
and I used to when I drank,
but if you're sober, you can't just have casual sex.
I don't know if anyone here has had casual sex sober,
but like, how did you do that? (audience laughing)
Having casual sex sober, it's really,
it's a lot more intimate.
It's- ummm- it turns into an episode of Dawson's Creek
for some reason.
A Counting Crows song starts playing.
I'm just like, what's happening?
(singing) 'Around here'
It's just like, where is that coming from?
(audience laughing)
This has meaning when it shouldn't.
(lighthearted electronic music)