- I am from a city where the white dudes
either do meth or they work plumbing.
You know what I mean?
But they do something.
(laughter)
I never seen so many able-bodied white dudes
just sleeping on the street, you know?
And I really hated when they would ask me for money.
You know what I mean?
Like, I'm a black lesbian.
I'm never gonna give you shit.
(laughter)
- My girlfriend, my first girlfriend, huge deal,
'cause I didn't even know how gay I was
'til I met this girl, you know?
I don't know, 'cause women, we teeter, we do.
We play games.
You kiss a girl in the club to make
your boyfriend's dick hard, you do silly shit.
You're not always just laying over there.
You know what I mean?
So I didn't know, I was like maybe I'm just
grab titties in the club gay,
and not go down on a chick gay.
Very different gays.
(laughter)
Very different gays on the spectrum.
But I met this girl, I was like no man,
I'm going down on this chick.
I'm ready.
Huge deal, man, I was scared.
I had to get myself charged up to do it.
John Madden in the huddle like I'm gonna eat this pussy.
Go, go, go.
(laughter)
Got this.
I was looking in the mirror like you are a champion.
Don't worry.
And then I got her home and she laid down on the bed,
and I realized I had never seen a vagina from this pers--
Like I've seen mine from this perspective.
(laughter)
I ain't ever seen it like that.
I was not ready at all.
I was like oh, what the hell is that?
(laughter)
Started poking at it, like uh-uh.
Close your legs, let's go to church.
We need to pray.
(laughter)
You know, go ahead, pray this gay away, girl.
We all living foul.
(laughter)
But that's a journey, you go through the ups and downs
until you find where you're supposed to land.
You know what I mean?
And I love my wife, I do.
You know, she's here, and I love her.
She's supportive, but it's hard.
She doesn't say a lot of things I care about.
(laughter)
I didn't know that was gonna be a problem
when I married--
She talks a lot, but I don't give a shit about most of it.
(laughter)
Most of it's just like, I don't--
Why, you know?
And I gotta feign interest, she knows when I'm fei--
It's just terrible, man, and I wish it was different.
I wish she was saying things that were more valuable to me.
I really do, I wish she had more valuable things--
And it's like I know as feminists, as women like,
you know, everything we say is val--
It's like yeah, her thoughts are valuable,
but the shit that's actually coming out her mouth, garbage.
(laughter)
Pure garbage.
(applause)
This is not good stuff.
This is pointless, man.
It's never in the clutch stuff.
It's never things that are gonna save my life
in the moment.
It's never like we're driving over a bridge
and she's like hey, hon, crack those windows
just in case we go off this bridge,
land in this water, you'll be able to open the door,
do the pressure, swim right out, save your life.
Never information like that.
(laughter)
Never solid.
It's always just like I'm in the kitchen pouring a soda.
She strolls by, that's a wine glass.
Soda doesn't go in there.
Like, shut the fuck up.
(laughter)
Maybe I want to drink my soda like a king today
out of a goblet.
I got my own plans, mind your business.
What's up bro?
How are you, dawg?
My girl gets on my fucking nerves, you know?
I love her, but she's fucking annoying, dude.
That's just like, eventually everybody gets irritated.
You can't do anything about it.
I started to learn too much about her, I don't like it.
She's easily sensationalized.
She just jumps on bandwagons.
I fucking hate that, like she'll read an article
and then she'll be like I'm a vegan Muslim now.
Like, that's not how it works.
(laughter)
She's a fake vegan too, and that pisses me off.
She's not a real vegan.
It's not genuine, it's not in her heart.
It's not about the animals.
She just wants to lose weight.
That's not a real reason, that's trash, you know?
It's like the get slim tees weren't working,
so now she's a fucking vegan.
Shut up. (laughter)
I watched her eat a vegan burger from White Castle,
and now I hate her fucking guts.
(laughter)
She got a vegan burger from White Castle.
You don't understand, her vegan diet
has inconvenienced me several times.
I can't go here, this can't touch this,
and then she ate a vegan burger from fucking White Castle.
If you don't know what a White Castle is,
just imagine a crack house with a window on the side,
with a crack head in that bitch just chucking out sliders.
That's a fucking White Castle,
and she ordered a vegan burger from this place
as if they didn't dip it in pork belly fat
before they gave it to her.
Then she ate it in my face and wants my respect.
Like nigger, what?
(laughter)
It's dope to be back in L.A., man.
I've been on the road, so this is nice.
It's nice to just take all this L.A. shit in,
all these white faces in.
'Cause I moved here from Boston, you know?
So when I got to L.A. it was a super culture shock.
I had never seen so many homeless white men in my life.
It was weird to me.
I am from a city where the white dudes either do meth
or they work plumbing.
You know what I mean?
But they do something.
(laughter)
I never seen so many able-bodied white dudes
just sleeping on the street, you know?
And I really hated when they would ask me for money.
You know what I mean?
Like I'm a black lesbian, I'm never gonna give you shit.
(laughter)
Go cut your hair and work at a Subway.
What the hell is your problem?
But that's what the road does, it just opens you up, man,
exposes you to all different types of people.
I was like L.A. is bad with the homeless white dudes,
and then I went to Portland and I was like holy shit.
(laughter)
This is crazy.
And then I went to Bonnaroo
and I was really mind blown, man.
I went to Tennessee, did Bonnaroo.
I'd never been to a music festival like that,
so open and free, just girls walking around
with their titties out everywhere,
eating medium rare burgers all willy nilly.
(laughter)
Living.
I had a medium rare burger myself.
The whole time I felt like I was disrespecting my mother.
(laughter)
I was like man, you were raised so much better than this.
What are you doing?
But it was good, I liked the texture, the flavor.
And that's how I ended up trying mushrooms,
'cause I was like fuck it.
(laughter)
Maybe everything is a lie, you know what I mean?
'Cause I'm a dear kid, man.
I'm scared of drugs, I grew up scared of drugs.
I didn't start smoking weed 'til I was 25.
Petrified of drugs, never tried mushrooms.
Had arguments with my friends over not trying mushrooms.
I remember one time my homeboy was like Sam,
how have you never tried mushrooms?
It's one of the best drugs on Earth.
What is your problem, how have you never experienced this?
And I was like dude, all I could think about
is going out my door and seeing a crack head
and a fucking fiend fighting over a baby stroller.
Like, I don't live in a mushroom friendly environment.
(laughter)
But it's not like that, you know what I'm saying?
I did mushrooms, I did mushrooms in Bonnaroo, man,
and I took it in a chocolate bar, you know what I'm saying?
They gave me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms,
'cause white people know how to do drugs.
I ate the shit. (laughter)
And I would bounce to this EDM band,
and they're partying, humping off the Molly.
I'm trying to figure out what's going on here.
And this black dude comes walking through,
and he's jacked to shit, jacked.
Super diesel, no shirt on, looking tough as fuck.
But he's got on these giant fairy wings.
But he's still tough, he's still bullying through the crowd
with these fairy wings like baby,
you better not crumple up my fairy wings.
(laughter)
I'ma fuck you up.
And he walks to this clearing and I'm like holy shit.
And then this dude, just as big white dude,
just as big, in a Teletubby costume walks up to him.
(laughter)
Just as jacked, and I'm like
what kinda Pokemon showdown is this
about to be?
And then they hugged each other.
And as I was watching it, I was like I don't know
if this is how Martin Luther King dreamed it.
(laughter)
But this is it, this is equality.
White dudes, what the hell are they complaining about?
Let me tune in, and I'm like fuck them, man.
They didn't lose shit, and they would always
get to this point in their rhetoric
where they talk about they're losing the country.
I'd be so upset, we're losing, we're losing.
What the hell did they lose?
We're losing, what the hell did they lose?
And then I watched three seasons of Mad Men on Netflix.
Holy shit. (laughter)
They lost everything.
'Cause at some point that was really their life.
That's what no one understands.
Like we can't think about it 'cause we never lived it.
That was their life every day.
They could wake up in the morning,
bourbon on their breath,
another woman's smell all over their body,
walk downstairs, kiss their wife in the mouth.
She says nothing, just serves them pancakes
with a perfect butter square in the middle
like an Aunt Jemima box.
(laughter)
Just perfect pancakes.
They eat hardy like a man should, you know?
Jump in their American made Cadillac,
swerve all the way to work, swerve the whole way.
(laughter)
They get to work, run upstairs,
secretary greets them with double D tits.
They have sex with her right there
in the middle of the office.
(laughter)
Just pull their dick out, they're white men in America.
Why would you hesitate?
Soon as you're done having sex with her,
she says she's pregnant, you fire her.
You're fired, bitch, get outta here.
(laughter)
Who the hell told you to get knocked up, you whore?
Go in your office, sleep off your hangover.
Wake up, go to a business lunch, get drunk again,
and get a promotion, and that's what they did every day.
(laughter)
That was like their life.
No interruptions.
And then like women started thinking
and black people wanted to eat sandwiches next to them
and it all went to shit.
(laughter)
They lost everything.
That's why they don't want Mexicans to vote.
It's a slippery slope, man.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)