- What kind of a man has so little respect
for the institution of marriage
that he can cheat on a wonderful woman and jump into bed
with the first available bimbo who comes along?
- But enough about you, Stanley.
(audience laughs)
("The Golden Girls" theme)
- Hi, it was real- (door slams)
(audience laughs)
(doorbell rings)
Dorothy, it's Stan. Didn't you recognize me?
- Of course I recognized you.
That's why I slammed the door in your face.
(audience laughs)
- Still the jokester, huh, Dorothy?
- And speaking of jokes, Stan,
that is some toupee you've got.
(audience laughs)
Hello, Stan.
- Dorothy, hello. You look fantastic.
- Please. Please, Stan.
No hugging, no kissing.
Let's just do it and get it over with.
- Sounds like the last few years of our marriage.
(audience laughs)
- I wish it was that good.
(audience laughs)
- Didn't you like the flowers?
- Oh, Stan, they're beautiful.
They're just absolutely beautiful.
But I mean, it's too much!
- I know, I can't believe how expensive roses got
since the last time I sent them to you.
- Yeah, well, everything's gotten more expensive
since Truman left office.
(audience laughs)
I lied to Stan.
I used to tell him how great he was in bed.
(audience laughs)
Was really very difficult,
but fortunately, I only had to tell him on his birthday.
(audience laughs)
- You're a wonderful plumber's assistant, Dorothy.
Boy, you sure know your way around a snake.
(audience laughs)
- I've had a lot of experience.
(audience laughs)
After all, I was married to one for 38 years.
(audience laughs)
- Barry Glick is very important to you.
- (sighs) Barry was the man that I wanted to be the first.
- First where?
(audience laughs)
- On Mars, Rose!
(audience laughs)
My first lover.
- Well, so what happened?
- Stanley, that's what happened. Stanley.
I went to a drive-in with Stanley.
He said he was being shipped off to Korea
and would probably die, and it would mean so much.
(audience laughs)
That was my part of the war effort.
(audience laughs)
It took three seconds.
I wasn't sure that we had done anything actually,
until nine months later when the baby came.
Then I figured out that we had.
You know, that was my only proof?
(audience laughs)
- Dorothy, I have a stack of papers
that we need to go over before the surgery.
- Surgery?
- Finally going ahead with that hair transplant?
(audience laughs)
- Sophia, not everybody knows this isn't real.
- Oh please, Stevie Wonder could tell it's a rug.
(audience laughs)
- The reason most men cheat on their wives
is because what they have under the sheets at home
is less than satisfying.
- Oh really, Mr. 30 seconds?
(audience laughs)
- Ted, what a surprise!
- Dorothy, it's great to see you again.
- What about me, babe?
- Go hug a landmine.
(audience laughs)
- Hi, it's me, Stan.
- Come on in, Stan.
Oh, so thoughtful of you to bring garbage.
(audience laughs)
- These are my tax receipts. Our future is in this bag.
- How appropriate.
- Hello, Mama Bear.
(audience laughs)
Papa Bear's back in the cave.
(audience laughs)
- I could vomit just looking at you.
(audience laughs)
- Dorothy!
- Uncle Angelo. It is so good to see you!
- Dorothy. You know something?
You look more beautiful now than you did
on your wedding day.
- He just used up all 50 hail Marys on that one.
(audience laughs)
- Stan, you're still a funny guy.
You got a sense of humor still, huh?
He still make you laugh like he used to?
- Not really, but then again,
I haven't seen him naked lately.
(audience laughs)
- (clears throat) Dorothy, I know it's been a while,
but try and control yourself.
I need some rest.
(audience laughs)
What the hell is that for?
- You're not getting into this bed, Stanley.
- Then where am I supposed to sleep?
- On the floor like any dog.
(audience laughs)
- Ma, I am taking you to the hospital.
- No. - Why not?
What, are you trying to tell me
that possibly there is nothing wrong with you?
- No, I feel better just lying here.
The ride in the car could only make me feel worse.
- Yeah, she's right, Dorothy.
Sometimes just lying motionless is the best thing
a person can do.
- That didn't sound right when you said it
on our honeymoon and it doesn't sound right now.
(audience laughs)
- It sure would be nice to have some investments
to fall back on, though.
I just never had a mind for that.
- Oh, me neither. I never had a mind for money matters.
I always used to let Stanley handle all our investments.
- Did he have a head for numbers?
- Stanley? The man used to have to get naked to count to 21.
(audience laughs)
- What's the matter, pussycat?
- I can't balance my checkbook.
Oh, the hell with it. I'm only off by a few pennies.
- A few pennies.
To you it may not be much, but back in Sicily,
a few pennies could make the difference
between owning a gun and having to insert bullets
into your victim manually.
(audience laughs)
- Okay, Ma. I'll try it again.
(doorbell rings) But believe me,
there is nothing in this world I hate more.
I spoke too soon.
I'll get you another slice of cake, Uncle Angelo.
- Thank you. - I'll take a slice, darling.
- No problem, sweetheart.
- Hurry back, dumpling.
- My feet have wings, barf bag.
(audience laughs)
(knuckles rapping)
- [Rose] I wonder who that could be?
- I'm sure it's no one.
- Hi, it's me, Stan.
- See? What did I tell you?
(audience laughs)
I used to think Stan would take care of me.
I mean, we didn't have much saved,
but he was a darn good novelty salesman.
Sounds naive now to think that I placed my hopes
for the future on a bald pinhead
with the morals of a maggot who made his living
selling plastic dog doo.
(audience laughs)
(sighs) Well, at least I'm not bitter.
(audience laughs)
- Why are you trying to push Michael into a job?
Give him time to breathe.
Let him find himself.
- Oh, Ma, I'm a little concerned.
He just doesn't take commitment seriously.
Ma, he quits jobs, he leaves relationships.
It's like they don't matter.
He is 30 years old.
When's he gonna grow up?
- Well, why should he
when you make it so easy for him not to?
- Are you saying it's my fault?
- Well, all I'm saying is Dorothy, you have to do somethin'
or you're gonna end up with a 60-year-old kid
who can't hold a job or have a meaningful relationship,
who keeps running to you all the time
for emotional support!
Can you imagine a man like that?
(doorbell rings)
- No I can't.
(audience laughs)
Yes I can.
(audience laughs)
Oh, Rose, is your neck bothering you again?
- Yeah, and I'm gonna do something about it.
- I'm glad you've come to your senses.
(doorbell rings)
There is nothing worse than a pain in the neck.
(audience laughs)
I must be psychic.
(audience laughs)
Why don't you go home and enjoy Christmas,
and face the future tomorrow?
- I can't go home.
- Why not?
- Catherine threw me out.
- Your wife threw you out?
I had no idea she was that bright.
(audience laughs)
What happened?
- Catherine accused me of infidelity.
- Oh, damn it, Stan.
This makes those infidelities during our marriage
seem much less special.
(audience laughs)
- Maybe we should sign Mary up
for some natural childbirth classes.
- You know, that's not a bad idea.
I wish I'd known about them when I was pregnant.
I didn't know what to do except scream at Stan
never to touch me again and call him every name in the book.
(audience laughs)
- Rough labor? - Rough conception.
(audience laughs)
Honey, we know dieting is hard. We've all been there.
I remember the time Stan and I
went on that weight loss through sex diet.
(audience laughs)
The idea being every time you felt hungry,
you would substitute food with some sexual activity.
- Did it work? - I gained 18 pounds!
(audience laughs)
- Hiya, sweetie pie. How are you doing?
- Fine, cupcake. Thanks for asking.
(door slams) (audience laughs)
(doorbell rings)
- Dorothy, I know you're in there.
(audience laughs)
You always could slam a door.
That's one of the things I love about you.
- [Dorothy] You flatter me.
(audience laughs) (door slams)
- Now, Stan, what you have to do is ask yourself,
why would you want to be with a woman
who so clearly doesn't want to be around you?
- Oh, well, I think I can answer that, doctor.
There's no other kind.
(audience laughs)
- I want you both to get an idea
of what it's like for all the people
that you collect rent from.
So I'm gonna sentence both of you to live
in apartment 3C in this building
until such time as it is brought up to code.
- Wait a minute,
you want me to live with him in the same apartment?
- That's right.
- But there are bugs there.
(audience laughs)
And they'll think Stan is their leader!
(audience laughs)