(Siren)
So I bought this minion toy from Amazon
to do something funny with for this video
and to my utter dismay,
it looks completely different to how it was advertised.
I mean just look at it compared to the picture
it looks more like
fucking humpty dumpty than a minion.
You know, the Despicable Me movies
aren't even the worst thing ever.
They're fine, serviceable, certainly not the
most awful animated kids movies out there.
Unlike say, The Nut Job
or Escape From Planet Earth.
But do you know what is the worst thing ever?
Those bloody minions.
From the beginning it was highly predictable
that these evil, yellow bastards were
gonna take the world by storm.
You see, general audiences and dumb children
don't need any sort of structure or barf or a joke.
(Minion blowing raspberries)
(Audience laugh)
Meaning that Comcast who own Universal Pictures
who originally invented the minions for Despicable Me
back in 2010, saw dollar signs in their eyes
after the success of the first movie
(Cash register cha ching)
and realised that over saturating and branding of
the living tic tacs in every possible manner
would be the best way to maniuplate audiences
into handing over their cash
no matter how vague or bizarre it may be.
Take the minions out of either of the first two movies
and there really isn't that much different.
They only exist because it's easy to make a
random joke with them
that has nothing else to do with the movie
and as long as they are loud and slapstick enough
kids and stupid people will pretty much lap up
anything with bright colours and a fast pace.
But the reason they piss me off so much
is because they've actually taken centre stage
to the property that invented them in the first place.
So in essence, the cynical lazy design has
overtaken any sincerity the property
might have had originally
and warped it into such a harmless, inoffensive
bowl of pulp that the idea of a minion
can be applied to anything
even if it makes no goddamn sense.
And when I say lazy design,
I mean the actual way the things look is extremely dull.
Look, draw an oval
add some hilarious denim clothing
because I guess denim is funny.
Then gloves, boots and goggles
and you're done.
Then colour it yellow
for the same reason as lego minifigures,
to avoid any kind of racial discrimination
making them as relatable and cute as possible.
In the same way that Jar Jar
Watto, and all the other stereotypes in
the Star Wars movies are considered offensive,
the complete opposite idea can be applied to minions.
They are so characterless and inoffensive
that people find it easy to self insert themselves
onto them for some reason
which is almost worse in my book.
At least it's somewhat enjoyable
to make fun of Watto.
Anni
But what I just said aside,
I could comfortably forget and forgive
just about all of what I just said.
It's not the first time a company has tried to profit
from something so obvious and simple.
But here's the thing,
these things are everywhere.
No, they really are everywhere.
I've called things out for being over exposed before
but never to the extent of these fucking things.
Lunchboxes, dog outfits, perfume,
drink bottles, headphones, T-shirts,
weird creepy baby costumes.
It really is out of control.
The most notable example at the moment is
the attack on our Facebook feeds.
I guess the broad, unfunny, predictable
and obvious meme culture goes
hand in hand with these things when you think about it.
Let's have a look at some of the particularly hilarious
and random ones.
Like if you're single
share if
yourur
in a relationship.
What does minions have to do with this?
Laughing so hard no noise coming out
so you there clapping like a seal.
What does that even mean?
No way God, I did not do that.
Oh, that?
Yes well, yes I did do that.
Oh it's that baby picture again for some reason.
That's not meant to be in here.
I don't suffer from insanity
I enjoy every minute of it.
There is nothing funny about being insane.
Being mentally ill to the point of being classed as insane
is quite literally the opposite of funny
and is one of the scariest, most horrible ailments
I can think of.
Your pathetic, desperate attempt to be quirky
and misuse of the term
makes me want to poison myself.
So many suffer alone.
Let's say a prayer today for every person
battling depression.
Share if you agree.
There's a cruel, ignorant irony to this picture
and again
why is a minion on this fucking thing?
And I have yet to even talk about the worst thing of all.
I'm speaking in broad terms because
I think this might actually be
the worst thing I've ever talked about before.
And that thing is minion art and fanfiction.
"Come on partner, you can ask her out.
By the way there is a balcony there," Stuart said.
Dave blushed but looked at his partner and knew
that he needs to do it.
So he did.
He walked towards Margo and the girls and started
tugging her dress.
"Hey what? Oh hi Dave," Margo
greeted Dave with a smile.
Dave smiled back and he said
"Uh Margo, can I ask you out on a date?"
Dave asked. Margo looked in his eyes and started
kissing the little minion's cheek.
"Of course. By the way, I broke up with Antonio
but now I think you're cute."Margo said.
Dave smiled and held her hand
leading her towards the balcony.
So that's an exert from
A Minion Love Story from fanfiction.net
Yes
for real.
Someone wrote that.
And I really hope you like other mind-blowingly
over saturated properties being combined with this one
because here's a minion pony.
(Scream)
And yes, this is also real
as well as being the worst thing ever.
And finally, I'd be doing you a disservice
if I at least didn't mention
minion yaoi.
A DeviantArt group for people who love
gay minions.
With such classics as,
sexy Kevin,
viewer discretion advised
and Barry the bee from Bee Movie
who is voiced by Jerry Seinfeld,
slurping all over Kevin
who I guess is a named minion.
And then there's this baby again
I really don't know.
Minions are the token example of
what I hate about kids movies.
Usually it's to be expected that the
annoying side character that is used for nothing but
comic relief is limited to some extent.
Not multiplied x100 and given their own movie.
They are a visual summary of everything wrong with
idiotic, thoughtless children's comedy
because why actually try?
When appealing to the lowest common denominator
with random, goofy, cute and slapstick
humour is much easier.
You wanna know the worst part of all of this
is that they ruined the word minion
which was a word I used to use often and regularly.
So fuck you for that.
So those are my thoughts on minions.
I really hope by the time that this video is up
everyone is sick of them as much as I am
so maybe there will be less idiots in the comments
than usual,
although I highly doubt it.
Well I guess at least a minion Comment Comeback
is going to be interesting.
So what do you think?
Are you fed up with minions
or do you like their simplistic design?
Do you have a mindless, angry statement
with absolutely no back up for why I'm wrong
that you'd comment without me prompting you anyway?
Whatever it is, tell me in the comments below.
And as always, thanks for watching,
all comments and ratings are very much appreciated.
Make sure you check out some of my other videos
and second channel JAR Media for more craziness.
I'll se you next time.
Bye.
Took me about 20 minutes to make this pulp.
Was it worth it?
Nope.
It's like if a
if a thesaurus threw up.
Let's see if we can make out one of these words.
Emergency.
Yeah this is a fucking dire emergency I'll tell you what.