Hello I m Darren Magee and the topic for today s video comes from questions asking,
What is meant by the term DARVO? In this video I'm going to outline what that term means, I m going
to look at some of the common phrases and tactics that are employed so that you can recognise it.
I'm also going to look at why narcissistic people use this particular strategy as well as the long
term effects it can have on others. Now you might not necessarily be familiar with the term DARVO,
but if you are or have been in a relationship or an environment with a narcissistic person you'll
probably recognise it. Narcissistic people often use this in their relationships to control and
coerce others. That being said, sometimes you see it used in organisations, cults, movements,
to paint whistle blowers as conspiracy theorists, extremists with a particular agenda. For today
I'm just going to focus on it when it's used in a relationship with a narcissistic person. Once you
see it, you can't unsee it. So if you find this video interesting please consider subscribing
to my channel. But just to remind you, this video is for information purposes only and
is not a substitute for support from a mental health professional. So the term DARVO is an
acronym which stands for Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender. The term was first coined in
the 1990s by a psychologist named Jennifer Freyd. It refers to a form of manipulation
which is aimed at shifting the focus away from any wrongdoing and to avoid any consequences,
and attacking the victim in ways that allows them to switch roles. The aggressor becomes the victim,
the victim becomes the aggressor. It's a form of gaslighting in the sense that
the person using the strategy rewrites the narrative, rewrites the version of events.
In many cases fools others into believing their version of events. For instance,
they might even claim they've been wrongly accused by someone who is malignant, insane, and therefore
gain sympathy and support from others. And it tends to happen whenever a victim of abuse,
mistreatment, or any kind of wrongdoing confronts or challenges their abuser. So let's first of all
look at the denial. Now you might not hear the following word for word but you may recognise it,
it may sound familiar. Now denial can take many forms. There's denial it happened. There's denial
of the severity or the intent. There's also justification of the behaviour. Outright denial
might just sound like, That didn't happen, or, That didn't happen the way you say it did. The
narcissistic person may become righteously indignant. How dare you accuse me of that,
that's not the kind of person I am. Everybody knows I'm not like that. The narcissistic person
becomes outraged and accuses their victim of lying and attacking their character.
Any aggression that follows is portrayed as them defending themselves against unfair accusations.
Another form of denial is confusion, sometimes referred to as toxic amnesia. They can't remember
what they did. They might claim they've been under a lot of pressure at work. There are
very busy with this, that and the other thing. They may claim that they are being blamed on so
many things and have that listen to so many lies and accusations they just can't keep up. Victims
will hear things like, When did this happen? What are you talking about? Why you bringing that up
now? Why would I do that? They behave as if this is news to them. The victim tries very hard to
explain pretty much what the abuser already knows. They may even give concrete examples, but they are
met with more bewilderment and confusion. Quite often the victim might become frustrated, so they
are accused of being aggressive or being crazy. Then there is minimising the victim s experience.
Get over yourself it wasn't that bad, you're just too sensitive, it was only a joke. Or, Sure
you like me calling you that. The victim is left feeling devalued and invalidated. The narcissist
may tell other people, We only had an argument. All couples argue. They're just blowing things
way out of proportion. Now if the victim tries to explain to others what happened, remember,
they have probably been told a sanitised version. So the more they try to explain themselves,
the more they try to make themselves understood, they may sound as if they are exaggerating or
engaging in a smear campaign, which the narcissist has probably warned them about. Then there is
justifying their actions. Well, I had to because and it could be, It was for your own good, it was
for the greater good, or, I'm trying to make this relationship work and all you do is criticise and
attack me. The victim is led to believe that they maybe are being unreasonable for not accepting the
behaviour. Sometimes even questioning themselves Am I really just being too sensitive? or,
Is my reaction out of proportion to this? So there were some common examples of denial. Now let's
look a bit closer at the attacks. The attacks are aimed at deflecting away from their own behaviour
and onto to the character, behaviour, motives, sometimes even the mental health of someone else,
usually their victim. It's a way of diminishing the victim s credibility. All evidence is
criticised, refuted. The narcissist may tell their victim to say again what it is exactly there being
accused of. Now if the victim does not repeat the same thing word for word the narcissistic person
may claim, That's not what you said a moment ago. That's not what you said yesterday or last
week. The victim is accused of making things up. They re accused of lying or accused of changing
their story. So end up trying to defend themselves against errors they never made or lies they never
told in the first place. The victim s character, their morality is brought into question. A
narcissistic person will use any indiscretion, mistake, fault their victim has ever made as
evidence of their guilt, their sinister agenda. Any personal information or secrets that may have
been shared as a couple, they are used. They are twisted and used against the victim to discredit
and shame them. They will throw things up like, Well sure wasn t your dad an alcoholic? You have
always struggled with What about that time you lied to your parents, when you were ten? They
will bring up other times the victim had the back down. Sure you admitted you were wrong about last
time. If there is more than one person challenging or confronting the narcissist, the narcissistic
person might claim that these accusations are part of a hate campaign, an agenda to destroy
them somehow by people who are malignant, envious. They might claim it's a witch hunt.
Now let s look closer at the victim and offender roles, the switching of those roles and why they
seem to work. Narcissistic people seem to have this belief that the more people they tell the
more true something becomes. They tell their version to anyone who will hear them. They will
tell it in public, they will tell it to strangers. They will put it out there on social media. The
victims are accused of gaslighting, spreading rumours, character assassination. Their motives,
their mental health is called into question. The abuser is a falsely accused, innocent victim. It
also works in the sense that the narcissist doesn't have to accept responsibility or
accountability for their actions. The true victim ends up being blamed and shamed. They are vilified
and attacked for pointing out the bad behaviour and the effect it has on them. DARVO also relies
on emotion rather than facts. The narcissist relies on their victims fears. The fear
of being criticised, the fear of being rejected, the fear of public opinion, and the fear of being
punished by everyone, not just the narcissist. It also relies on discrediting the victim. It
is the victim who is a narcissist, a psychopath they re an alcoholic, they have anger issues.
There can be threats of consequences if the victims were to speak up. There may be threats
of violence, threats to destroy property. There could be threats to tell other people about their
dark secrets. There may be threats to go to the authorities to report any false allegations. Some
victims of narcissistic abuse often remain silent because they have seen how the narcissist has
reacted anytime anyone else ever spoke up against them. And the long term effect of this tactic can
have victims feeling isolated, invalidated and shamed. Living in fear of doing or saying anything
that might be used against them at a later date. Victims can feel both helpless and hopeless to
do anything about their situation and it has a detrimental effect on their decision making,
their self efficacy, their self esteem and their confidence. It can have an effect on
their relationships with others, in friend groups. Productivity at work even suffers. They may be
reluctant to have any future relationships, even friendships and become hyper vigilant and having
difficulties with trust. It can also lead to increased anxiety, constant stress, depression and
trauma. They become afraid to speak up so accept responsibility for everything that goes wrong in
that relationship and for how they are treated. Remember also many narcissistic people project
their own stuff onto their victims. That's why I think we're living in a generation of educated
narcissist at the moment. They often claim that their victims are narcissists. It's the victims
who are gaslighting, using DARVO. They re using reactive abuse, while they are claiming to be
traumatised. Many victims fear that they will be blamed for being the abuser. So to summarise, the
intent of DARVO is to silence victims. To silence them through denial, confusion, invalidation,
minimising or intimidation. While they're not there, attacking that the evidence, the victims
credibility, their claims and also claiming that they are the victim while they're doing it. Once
you recognise the pattern, like I said earlier, once you see it, you can t unsee it. Now there
are different ways to learn how to manage yourself when someone is using the DARVO method. If that s
something you like me to cover in a future video please let me know in the comment box below. But
in the meantime if you have any experience or any ideas that you found helpful to keep
yourself safe in a situation like that, if you feel comfortable enough please share them in the
comments section. Someone else reading them might benefit from your wisdom and your experience.
I would also invite you to think about the long term affects of DARVO and being in a narcissistic
relationship. Maybe reach out to someone, a mental health professional, support group,
an organisation which can help and I will put some useful contacts in the description of this video.
If you found this video interesting if you find it helpful, please consider subscribing to my channel
and until next time, thanks for watching. You know, Charles Beaudelaire once said, The greatest
trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. But according to Ken Ammi,
The second greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he's the good guy.