I BROUGHT IT WITH ME.
ANYBODY WHO'S FLOWN INTERNATIONALLY RECENTLY,
UM, THE IMMIGRATION CARD, THE CUSTOMS CARD.
THIS RIGHT HERE, HOMELAND SECURITY AT ITS FINEST.
THIS IS ALL THAT STANDS BETWIXT YOU AND UTTER CHAOS.
SO WHEN I WAS FLYING INTERNATIONAL--
I JUST WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU HOW WE'RE BEING PROTECTED.
YOU HAVE TO FILL THIS OUT.
FIRST QUESTION--"DO YOU HAVE A COMMUNICABLE DISEASE,
"PHYSICAL OR MENTAL DISORDER,
OR ARE YOU A DRUG ABUSER OR ADDICT?"
(mouthing word)
YOU CAN ALWAYS DEPEND ON A JUNKY TO CHECK THE RIGHT BOX.
BUT HERE'S THE JEWEL IN HOMELAND'S CROWN.
(laughter)
"OR SABOTAGE...
(laughter)
"OR BETWEEN 1933 AND 1945 WERE INVOLVED IN ANY WAY
IN PERSECUTIONS ASSOCIATED WITH NAZI GERMANY OR ITS ALLIES?"
I WAS IN DEEP COVER FOR OVER 30 YEARS.
I WORKED FOR THE CIA, THE FBI, THE MI-5 AND MI-6.
I LOST MY IDENTITY, MY WIFE, MY CHILDREN, NAY,
I ALMOST LOST MY MIND.
AND WHAT UNDID ME AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?
(laughter)
WHY WOULD I--OH!
OH, YOU'RE GOOD, HOMELAND SECURITY.
(laughter)
AND THEN HERE'S ANOTHER INTERESTING THING ON THE CARD.
IT SAYS, "IMPORTANT. IF YOU ANSWERED YES
"TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, PLEASE CONTACT THE AMERICAN EMBASSY
BEFORE YOU TRAVEL."
(laughter)
SO I DON'T UNDERSTAND, UNLESS OF COURSE,
WE'RE GOING TO AUSTRALIA, WHICH AS YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU GET THERE, IT'S YESTERDAY.
SO MAYBE YES, 'CAUSE YOU GO THROUGH THE EVENT HORIZON
OR SOMETHING, THE TOILET GOES THE OTHER WAY,
AND THEN YES, MAYBE, MAYBE.
NOW ALSO WHEN I WAS IN AUSTRALIA,
I WENT TO "V" FESTIVAL, MUSIC FESTIVAL SPONSORED BY--
(clears throat) EXCUSE ME.
SPONSORED BY VIRGIN ATLANTIC, OR VIRGIN MUSIC, WHAT HAVE YOU.
AND I SAW THE BAND MADNESS. FANTASTIC, FANTASTIC.
(applause)
AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, I WAS ACTUALLY SORT OF DANCING,
WHICH IS HIGHLY UNUSUAL.
WE DON'T HAVE THE TIME FOR ME TO EXPLAIN HOW UNUSUAL THAT IS,
BUT I'M NOT A DANCER AS A RULE, BUT I WAS.
AND THERE WAS KIND OF AN ATTRACTIVE GENTLEMAN
DANCING NEAR ME, AND WE'RE CHITTER-CHATTERING.
AND THEN WE RAN OUT OF THINGS TO SAY,
AND I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO LEAVE SO I JUST SAID,
"I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE MADNESS.
I'VE HAVEN'T SEEN THEM SINCE 1982."
AND THEN HE SAID, "I WASN'T EVEN BORN IN 1982."
NOW COME ON, THIS IS-- I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THIS IS HOW--THIS IS TRUE,
NOT THAT I'VE BEEN LYING ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.
BUT LISTEN, I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING THAT'S TRUE.
(laughter)
THAT'S REAL. THAT'S TRUE.
THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT WERE BORN IN 1989.
(laughter)
I ACTUALLY MET SOMEBODY BORN IN 1991.
HOW IS THAT TECHNICALLY POSSIBLE?
HOW IS IT TECHNICALLY POSSIBLE?
HONESTLY, WHAT--THAT MEANS THAT I WAS ALREADY
A BLACKOUT DRUNK WITH AN EATING DISORDER
(laughter)
(applause and cheers)
I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND. LOOK AT THEM, CHEERING.
SO COCKY. THEY'RE SO COCKY.
AGAIN, I'M NOT MAD AT YOU, BUT LISTEN, YOU YOUNG PEOPLE,
WITH YOUR TWITTERING AND YOUR CREATING OF CONTENT,
(laughter)
TWITTERING. QUEEFING.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU YOUNG PEOPLE ARE CALLING IT
WITH THE STUFF.
YOU'RE JUST CREATING CONTENT. YOU'RE CREATING CONTENT.
YOU'RE CREATING CONTENT.
NOW LISTEN, YOUNG PEOPLE, I UNDERSTAND NARCISSISM,
(laughter)
CLEARLY, I UNDERSTAND NARCISSISM.
BUT AT LEAST I HAVE THE DECENCY TO HATE MYSELF.
(laughter)
AND THAT'S WHAT'S MISSING FROM--
(cheers and applause)
THE YOUNG PEOPLE, THEY DON'T-- THEY DON'T--
THE YOUNG PEOPLE DON'T HAVE THE DEBILITATING SELF-LOATHING
AND THE SECOND GUESSING AND ALL OF THAT.
YOU REALLY--AND YOU'RE SO-- WITH YOUR SKIN
FEELING YOUR OATS THERE WITH YOUR GREAT SKIN.
IT'S ALMOST DEWY.
YOU KNOW--YOU KNOW, IT'S, UH--
YOU KNOW, WHAT BOTHER-- WHITEY IS BLOWING UP THE MOON,
AND I CAN'T GET A DECENT PORE MINIMIZER.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT. WHERE'S THE TECHNOLOGY?
PROBABLY GOING TO THE MATTRESSES,
THE REVOLUTION, WHICH BY THE WAY,
APPARENTLY WILL BE TELEVISED, THE MATTRESS REVOLUTION.
SO WHAT ELSE DID I WANT TO TELL YOU?
I LEARNED HOW TO SAY SOMETHING IN AUSTRALIAN.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR? READY?
(Australian accent) NATALIE PORTMAN.
(laughter and applause)
(normal voice) THANK YOU. ROSETTA STONE.
I ALSO LEARNED TO SAY WHEN I WAS IN ITALY--
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR SOME ITALIAN I PICKED UP?
(laughter)
FROM THE FREAKS-A AND THE GEEKS-A.
WHY SO SAD, JAMESA FRANCO?
(laughter)
(normal voice) THANK YOU.
I KNOW, LIKE I SAID, ROSETTA STONE.
(laughter)
IT'S AMAZING. IT'S LIKE TOTAL IMMERSION.
(Italian accent) A-GUCCI, GUCCI, PORAMA, JAMES-A FRANCO.
(laughter)