I'm trying to be a better person.
I quit watching porn.
I cut back.
[ Laughter ]
I do the double-browser system.
I do the work browser and the other.
So Safari thinks I'm a good person,
but Firefox is like, "Dude, what the fuck?"
I'm like, "Well, you don't even want to know
what I'm doing to Google Chrome, so..."
I find porn to be less offensive than a lot of women's magazines,
you know, 'cause at least porn is body-positive.
There's fat and old porn. There's no fat and old
Every women's magazine is like,
"How to shed that last 10 pounds."
Meanwhile, porn is like, "You're perfect,
and we have a category for you right here."
[ Laughter, applause ]
You're not fat in porn.
You're a big, beautiful woman -- a BBW, if you will.
You're not old. You're mature.
You're not covered in semen. You're getting a facial.
[ Laughter, applause ]
It's like a day at the spa.
I'm glad that joke went over, because if it didn't,
this next one would be a real uphill battle, so...
[ Laughter ]
One time my ex asked me to finish on her face.
There's no clean way to say that.
I tried to think of something. It just doesn't work.
She's like, "I think we should try if you finish on my face,"
and I said, "I don't think it's a good idea,"
and she was like, "Please."
I might have doctored this conversation, but...
[ Laughter ]
She was like, "Please," and I was like, "Oh. All right."
[ Laughter ]
I did it, and the second I did it,
we both had a moment where we were like,
"We are not these types of people at all."
[ Laughter ]
"I am in way over my head here. This is not good."
I felt terrible.
I got her a hot towel, some cream, some sliced cucumbers.
I gave her an actual facial. That's how bad I felt, you know?
I played some Enya.
[ Laughter ]
Remember Enya? Anyone?
That's a -- It's a weird feeling, 'cause your only way
of finding out you're not that type of person
is to put it into practice.
It's hard-core. I'm not that hard-core.
It's like when you're young and you think you could join a gang,
and they're like, "You're not one of us."
You're like, "I feel like I could be."
They're like, "You're
And finally, they let you in and they light someone on fire,
and you're like, "You guys were right.
I'm gonna go get a smoothie. This is..."
[ Laughter ]
I'm not into celebrity sex tapes.
They creep me out.
When the Hulk Hogan sex tape dropped, my --
I said "dropped" like it was a fucking album.
[ Laughter ]
But my friend sent me that sex tape,
and I was like, "I don't..."
He's like, "It's funny."
I was like, "Not my type of humor.
I do a lot dry witticisms.
I don't really do the ex-wrestlers fucking."
[ Laughter ]
I knew too much about the story.
I knew some woman allegedly extorted money from him
and that she couldn't get any money,
and then he won all this money, so I knew the story.
I knew that she fucked Hulk Hogan
and then got outsmarted by Hulk Hogan.
[ Laughter ]
It's not a feel-good story at all.
I don't even know what you would do after that.
I guess you pretend you're dating.
"What's this new guy look like?"
"Well, he's horseshoe bald,
but also he's got a mullet at the same time."
[ Laughter ]
"Interesting combo."
"Yeah, but he's shredded. He's in great shape."
"Oh. So he's young?"
"I think he's like 85."
[ Laughter ]
"But a young 85."
"Oh. He's older. Does he dress well?"
"Only spandex."
"Okay. Well, at least no one knows you fucked him."
"Gonna stop you again here."
[ Laughter ]
"My life is a disaster."
I'm at a good age sexually. I get it now.
Like, things I didn't used to get.
Cunnilingus -- all in. Love it.
It's a good time.
Back in the day, I did it 'cause I was like,
"This is what men do."
Now I'm older. It's like scotch.
I'm like, "It's actually quite nice."
[ Laughter ]
One time I was going down on my ex.
You have, like, a realization that you enjoy it.
I was getting really into it, and I stopped in the middle.
I was like, "Man, I love eating vagina."
And she was like, "Cool.
In the future, could you say
[ Laughter ]
It
When you've been with someone a couple years,
you show some brand loyalty.
That's what I say.