Do you want to get your kids to respect you more? Well,
you can do that by improving your calmness. I'm Nicholeen Peck
and I teach parenting all over the world through the lens of the principal self government. And
in this video we're talking about respect, your relationship with your children, and calmness.
In this video, we're going to be talking about how respect is formed in children and
traps that parents fall into that lead them to believe that calmness isn't the solution,
and then tips for achieving more calmness in your parenting. So how is respect formed in children,
when children develop respect for their parents, it is because the parent is honest in their
communication. Now let's think about that, honesty and respect, they go together, don't they? When
you trust someone, then you usually feel like you can respect what it is that they're doing and what
they're saying. Children are no different. When parents try to manipulate their children, and
try to control their feelings and their emotions by getting them to feel bad about a certain thing
or get overly excited about something else, then children start to feel a little bit like puppets,
and then they don't respect also, when parents don't tell their children why they're making
certain decisions, when they don't give their children enough education, then children also
start to lose respect for their parents, because they don't feel fully understood or that they
understand why certain things are happening. Children want to know why and they want their
parents to know why they feel a certain way. So mutual respect comes with mutual understanding,
and honesty. This means the parents can not fall into the trap of manipulation. Many parents do
fall into the trap of emotional manipulation. Because why? Well, it seems faster. Sometimes.
Somebody is doing something, I'm angry about it, it takes a minute to stop yourself question,
am I calm? How should I handle this? Can I be okay handling this. Analyzing yourself before
you help another person analyze them takes a few more seconds. And when a parent is worked up or
stressed, they don't want to take that time. And so what they do is they just start lashing out at
their children, they don't be calm. They think calmness is not the solution. Sometimes parents
think they need to shock their children into different behavior. And so they will do shocking
things to their children. They'll use loud voices be heavy handed, those types of things. Those are
all things that parents do to manipulate their children or to actually draw their children into
a power struggle. I know parents don't want power struggles. I think they have this pie in the sky
hope that they can start a power struggle. And then the children will not engage in the power
struggle to but they'll just submissively go okay, okay, okay, okay. But if you're so strong willed,
do you think you're going to birth a child that's not very strong willed, it's not likely,
they're probably going to be strong willed too, which means if you start pushing hard,
it's just a matter of time before they start pushing hard at you, too,
which means you've got to work on your calmness, it ruins your relationship if you're not calm.
Because when you're not calm, you're not thinking clearly, you're in the wrong part of your brain.
You can't attach to people well, when you are in midbrain, or back brain, those are selfish
parts of your brain, the way that you attach to people is by appreciating that person,
understanding that person thinking about what that person might be feeling, thinking or saying that's
all Fred brain work, we have to actually care about them. Now, of course, there's a little bit
of hard work that's going on there, too, right? There's attachment that happens with the heart.
And sometimes you can be attaching with the heart but you can be totally selfish midbrain, or back
brain and then everything blows up. It actually ruins attachment sometimes because we don't put
ourselves into check. So the key to teaching your children self government is governing yourself.
The key to your children learning how to calmly communicate with you is to be calm yourself.
There's a thing about calmness. I love calmness. The definition of calmness from William Jordan,
in his Majesty of Calmness is something like this. Calmness is the rarest quality in human life. It
is the poise of a great nature in harmony with itself and its ideals. Calmness is self reliance.
Being self centered, self controlled. Calmness is single, there's a purpose, absolute confidence and
conscious power ready to be focused in an instant to meet any crisis, that is calmness and a parent
can teach themselves to be that. When they are calm like that, when they are ready to be focused in an
instant to meet any crisis, when they are fully self centered, have complete confidence in their
ability to be okay, in their confidence in I am the parent you are the child, I'm okay with that.
I may not be perfect at it, but I'm okay with it. I'm okay with having this moment with you.
That is a calm moment, a confident moment. And you know what it does, it sends out this boomerang of
calmness. If you power struggle, it's a boomerang, it's going to come right back at you. If you send
out calmness. It's a boomerang, it's gonna come right back at you. You want to be a powerful
person, master your calmness. That is what all of the powerful people have done. When I think of
powerful people, I can't help but think of Prime Minister Pitt of England, William Pitt. So he was
asked one time, what is it that makes you such a great Prime Minister? Is it your toil, you know,
your hard work ethic? And he said, No, it's my patience. I've developed a habit of patience.
You know what that means? That's calmness. If a person has a habit of patience, then they are okay
waiting for another person to have the experience they need to. They are okay with that other person
learning. They're okay teaching them they're okay, listening. They're okay giving it time. Wow.
There are a lot of people that might say I have a hard time with patience, but they
might think they're totally calm because there is a difference between fake calm and real calm.
I could say I'm calm, do you that's talking so much. That's fake calm, that's not the real stuff.
Real calm is when you are okay. You really will listen to another person.
That's real calm. So how do we go about becoming calm? Well, we have to decide
that we are not entitled to be upset, to be angry, to give in to midbrain and back brain,
we have to recognize our brain is more powerful than we think. We do not have to be a victim
of our own emotions. We can be strong, we can plan our thoughts and plan the way that we are going to
respond to certain feelings that we get. Someone might be sending a feeling of anger, we might
feel attacked, but we can think about it and say this person is attacking because they don't feel
like anyone understands. They don't feel like anyone cares. I can look at them right now and
I can think in my eyes and think in my heart. I care about you. I love you. I understand you. I
know this is hard for you and then I can say it sounds like you really want to tell me something.
I really want to know what that is. I want to talk about this. But let's get calm first, then
we can talk about it. A truly calm person goes to calmness first, and then they talk about problems.
They help everybody get to calmness if they can. And if they can't get the other people there,
they still maintain their calmness and they don't get caught in an issue that will lead to a power
struggle. First stop calmness, after that, solve the problem. So that means you have to be laser
focused on what it feels like for you to be calm. Do you have that awareness? Some people don't
like to create that awareness. Because once you deliberately decide what does it feel like when
I am calm? What does my body feel like? What does my voice sound like when I am calm? Once they
deliberately analyze that about themselves, and they have to do something about it,
then they can't have an excuse anymore. That's the other thing about a calm person is they don't make
excuses. If you're truly calm, you don't need an excuse. You wouldn't go looking for one, if you
actually had a moment when you weren't calm, you would recognize it and you would stop and correct
if you were self governed, because you would be honest. When a person is calm, they're honest.
When a person is stressed, and losing control, they're feeding themselves lies in their brain,
lies like I can't do this. This person is doing this to me. No person can ever make you feel a
certain way. You get to choose your emotions and the person who is calm takes full responsibility,
which means they detach in a healthy way from what other people around them are feeling so that they
can make sure that they're always ready to help the other people around them. If everyone joins
in and gets attached to all the emotion nobody can help and it just becomes this emotional pit,
this soup that sucks everybody in. And quite frankly, our society is suffocating right now,
in that emotional pit. We're telling people that they are entitled to give in to all of this stuff.
Let's not get into it. Let's understand it. Let's understand feelings. Let's understand thoughts.
Let's understand emotions, let's make plans for ourselves, then we can get somewhere. If you want
your children to respect you more, and you need to respect yourself by being completely honest with
you. Self govern you. I want to help you with that. In fact, I have a free gift for you. Since you've
stayed to the end of this video, I would like to give you my calm parenting toolkit for free. My
column parenting toolkit is a mini course that's an introductory course to self government, it will
help you get on the road to calmness. Learn more about you, how to create strategies for calming
yourself. If you will go to the description below this video. There is a link it's one of the top
links it says teachself gov.com/toolkit. Click on that link right now and you will get the comb
parenting toolkit for free and then after you get on that road to calmness, learn the other skills
that you need for self government and to improve your relationships too, because that's just step
number one, but it should make a huge difference. Click on the link now. I'll see you there.