“Would you rather eat chocolate pudding that tastes like actual shit...
or actual shit that tastes like chocolate pudding?”
This is from Mike Chue.
Is Mike here?
What?
Dude, what?
Who have you asked this question to?
You’ve asked friends?
Are these your friends?
This is your girlfriend?
Did he ever ask you that question?
What?!
What did you say?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, finish–
the way you started that sentence so normally–
you’re like, “I said the chocolate pudding that tastes like shit.”
You said it like it’s, like, the train you take to work.
“I take the L, sometimes it’s down…”
The chocolate pudding that tastes like shit, why?
That’s actually incredibly astute.
I think that is the right answer.
Yeah, you’re right cause I was like,
“If I ate yummy shit,
I’m still eating shit.”
That’s actually–
Did you do the long division on that, like, that fast?
You already had it in your head?
Did she for real do it that fast?
Stop, are you serious?
Is that your test?
You were like, “And that’s when I knew I loved her?”
Have you put a ring on it because of that?
Are you serious?
Dude, if she takes that question seriously
and still wants to be with you…
commit.
If I did that with my wife,
and I’ve known her forever,
she’d be like, “I’m out.”
“As a parent, what do you feel like would be scarier:
your daughter dating a brown fuckboy
or her dating a white fuckboy?”
Damn...
heavy.
That’s heavy.
This is from Subha.
You really thought about this.
You wanna– you wanna know– I already...
I know what the answer is.
You gotta know– I would take brown fuckboy because
I can tackle what I know.
You know what I mean?
Like, I know the DNA.
You know what I mean?
Like it’s almost like,
like Mr. Miyagi with The Karate Kid
where it’s like, “I’ve been–
I’ve been there before like...”
Yeah I’ve seen the– I was once one.
I was like, “I’ve seen the moves.”
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah.
What would I do?
I’d be like, “Let me see your phone.”
I’d check the phone real quick.
And he’d be like, “Ahhh, I don’t–”
I’d be like, “Give me the passcode.”
I’d do the face recognition.
He wouldn’t give me the passcode. I would just do this.
And I’d do the thing and then I’d start looking through
and I would just start seeing...
alright
who are we texting? What are we working with here?
Um, I’d look at his favorites.
What, Insta or Finsta?
I’d open the account. I’d switch– I’d do the fake one too.
Click on the little triangle thing, check the DMs.
Super scrub.
Then go to his Safari browser, check what he’s searching.
If it’s just clean,
“Oh, www.Google.com, that’s all you’ve searched for?”
I’m like, “This dude’s a fuckin’ freak.”
Yeah.
Then I would turn location on.
He would text me, just, “Hey, just so we can be in touch…”
And then you know how you have location on your texts?
I would just–I’d just sit back at home and watch it all unfold.
And just have him geotagged.
That would be my plan.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then,
yeah, I would probably just like,
stay within 200 to 300 yards of where they’re going.
“What is the dumbest way you’ve ever been injured?”
–Aleena
What’s the dumbest way you’ve been injured?
You got pecked by a chicken?
You don’t have to– you don’t have to establish the country.
Getting pecked by a chicken is crazy.
Probably the dumbest injury for me…
I mean this is like an old thing, like I reached over to try to–
my daughter like dropped a toy
off the bed and– we were playing on the bed– and I reached over...
and like my shoulder popped out.
Just grabbing a toy!
And I was like, “This is bad.”
Are there people who work for Facebook?
There’s gotta be people who work for Facebook here.
You guys all pointed!
Where? Where where?
You know what’s so crazy?
The thing that I empathize with you guys the most
is that like, if he ever walks into the office...
you just have to act like it’s normal.
With the– just the weird–
Do you know what I mean?
He’s like, “Can I get some coffee?”
And you’re just like, “Sure, Mark.”
And it’s just like, a fucking…
It’s so weird.
Did anyone else feel how fucked up it was?
I feel like it’s a power move.
I don’t know if it bothered you guys.
It bothered me deeply watching it during the whole testimony.
Does it– did it bother you at all?
You were in a book club with him?
How was it?
Uh huh.
There were smarter people than him?
Are you Indian?
Are you–are you Indian?
Pakistani, you’re South Asian.
Yeah, you’re flexing all the stuff that doesn’t matter.
They’re like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You started Facebook, you’re worth $70 billion.
Uh, did you take OChem?”
Like, what are you talking about?
He’s like,
“Yo, get your ass to the Caribbean, the fuck you talking about?”
“I’m Mark Zuckerberg.”
Uh, “As a Desi growing up in America,
what was the lunch item that you wanted to take to school
while growing up that your parents wouldn’t buy?”
This is from Asees.
Is Asees here?
What was the item for you?
Can I tell– I’ll tell you mine.
Cause this– People get mad at me they’re like, “You always just deflect.”
Uh, Dunkaroos.
Which don’t exist anymore!
Now I got some money I can’t even get Dunkaroos.
And then I was like, on a Dunkaroo hunt
and then Chrissy Teigen tried to find Dunkaroos– this was on Twitter–
but they don’t sell Dunkaroos anymore.
They sell like,
Dunk…
Dunkables or something like that
but they’re not– it’s not with chocolate or white frosting.
It’s this like, weird knockoff bizarre thing.
And then there’s people that you can buy them from on eBay
that have been hoarding them for years.
But I’m not– I’m not willing to die to...
Alright– you guys remember the cheese cracker?
The like– the rectangle crackers with the orange cheese...
That’s definitely not cheese.
And then it has like the little–
The red shovel!
Yeah.
Handi-Snacks!
I’ve never seen a snap for Handi– you’re like, “Handi-Snacks.”
Handi-Snacks.
Those two. I get those two I’d be–
I wouldn’t even do this show, I’d be very happy.
What were yours?
Lunchables?!
What were those like? My parents never let me get them.
The package looked great.
But I hear they’re just disgusting.
I’ve asked people, they’re like, “It was gross.”
Lunchables. Were Lunchables good?
Yeah?
I’m sorry, I like, I immediately went to a white person, I’m like…
“Are Lunchables good?”
I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I feel bad, I feel bad, I feel bad.
Tell me.
“Did your parents let you date in high school?”
But were they good?
I could– I thought it was so cool when like people would stack,
they’d be like–
Were they good?
I remember one time I had a bite of them, I’m like, “These are cold.”
“Loved your recent interview with Desi kids.
Abeer Khan was super cool.
What did you learn from these kids?
Do you think their experience growing up as an ABCD
is any different from yours?”
Um, I learned what “The Whoa” is.
That was cool. The…
Um, yeah Abeer was awesome.
We actually met– I met him months ago.
We did this sketch called “Indians As Bad As We Wanna Be.”
In like, the first episode of the show.
Thanks to John Kapoor,
I know that I can be a doctor who fucks around in the drug game.
A kid named Raj ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.
And we were shooting it
and Jim Margolis, who was our showrunner at the time,
like came up to me and was like, “Dude, this kid keeps dancing.”
And
I was like, watching this like, skinny little kid like floss.
Like, and he just wouldn’t sit still
and then he would like, do his lines but then he’d dab.
A kid named Raj ain’t nothin to fuck with.
Okay, so what do I say?
*chirps*
Hey baws.
*yells*
Reee!
*chirps*
*burps*
So he got cut from the sketch.
And I felt bad, I was like, “This kid is like, amazing.
And I need to find a way to like, use him in something.
He’s so incredible.”
And so,
he came and he was like the youngest kid in that entire group but
he had so much confidence, I love that guy.
“What is the most scared you’ve ever been?”
Oh, this is weird.
Okay, so this– this is actually a true story.
So, I remember in like 2009 or 2010, I was performing at a…
at a college in Colorado.
And apparently in Colorado there’s a lot of ghost hunters.
There’s a lot of like, haunted
hotels and like haunted places that you can go to and stay at
if you’re into like, chasing apparitions.
And so I was staying at this place called the Black Monarch Hotel.
And it was, it was like a saloon slash hotel, and it was just weird.
So I got there during the day and I’m like,
“It’s really old and run down.”
I felt like I was in a movie.
They’re just like, “Welcome to the Black Monarch,”
and I’m like, “Stop talking that way.”
“Do you want anyone to walk you upstairs
and give you the tour of the, of the ancient hotel?”
And I’m like, “I just want to take a nap.”
Go up to my room and I took a nap.
It was weird. It was just, like, kinda old and dingy.
And then I did the show and I came back at night
and then I got really spooked
and I started like looking around and I’m like, “This isn’t just
dingy, I think this is like for real for real haunted.”
So I go back to the front desk and they’re like,
“Are you, are you gonna stay up for the midnight show?”
And I’m like, “What’s the midnight show?”
And in the saloon, you’re supposed to go in there after midnight
and you’re supposed to see a ghost, a ghost might perform on the piano.
And this is like, a big like, thing.
And I’m like, “Nah, I’m not coming for the midnight show.”
I go upstairs,
and um, I like,
I put my backpack down and I just look at this chair in front of my bed.
And there’s just a porcelain doll staring at me–
like an old porcelain doll.
I start freaking out. I’m like, “I gotta get the fuck outta here.”
And then on the desk of the bed–
So I start packing my bags up and on the desk there’s just a guest book.
It goes back like a hundred years.
People are just writing in the diary– I’m like,
“I gotta get– this is like creeping me out.”
I run across town, the only other hotel there was like a Hampton Inn.
So I go to the Hampton Inn and I’m like, “I need to get a room tonight.”
And they’re like, “Oh, you went to the Black Monarch Hotel?”
And I’m like, “Yeah!”
They’re like, “It’s haunted.”
So,
I don’t know, I don’t– I don’t think I believe in ghosts,
but I don’t not believe in them.
Like I’m not gonna try it.
You ever have those things like,
growing up, your friends would be like,
“Hey, come in the bathroom, say Bloody Mary three times.”
I’m like, “I’m not gonna do that.”
And they’re like, “It’s not even your religion.”
I’m like, “I just don’t want to... I don’t want to test it.”
You know what I mean?
They’re like, “We’re just gonna say Candyman and just try.”
And I’m like, “I’m not gonna try Lunchables
and I’m not gonna try saying Bloody Mary three times.”