-When you get in a car and you-- -You get bummed.
-No, well... -Well.
No.
I'm more of the upper persuasion.
I'm a top.
The only thing I topped was Drag Race.
So...
-Cheers to that! -Cheers to that!
Hello everybody, my name is The Vivienne
and I'm joined by the Scottish winner herself...
Lawrence Chaney!
-Dirty b****. -You didn't hear it.
He just ate s***.
Do you need help?
Does he need help?
He's f****** face down on the floor, you soft b****.
Cerebral palsy is a disability resulting from damage to the brain
before, during, or shortly after birth,
and outwardly manifested through muscular uncoordination.
Well that's you told, love.
She probably thought he was a f****** nonce.
Do you not think that's exactly how the straights react to us in drag?
They just scream.
I love that you think I have enough self esteem to be on Grindr.
What would my profile even say?
"I'm gay and disabled,
but I promise not to drool on you until the third date!"
Do you know, I love someone who's got some sort of ailment
but they can take the p*** out of themselves.
Yeah, I mean look at us.
We're gay.
This is me three hours before the gig.
Just shaving away.
That's me 10 minutes into a gig.
Quick, it's coming through.
This is not the way you want to look
for the first day of your internship.
Don't you just want to stay home with me instead?
Oh no, there's sexual tension here.
Is that his mother?
Sexual tension.
His mother's gorgeous.
OK, you guys. Listen up. I need viral content now.
-I hate her already. -You can tell who she is, yeah.
-Hate her already. -I know.
Sorry, hun. Cedar Sinai's around the corner.
This is eggwoke, right?
I'm Ryan.
The intern.
Sit.
She's a c** b**!
She's a real g*******.
I'd say, "Listen love, I might be f****** disabled
but you're ginger, so..."
And I'm from Scotland and you're still s***.
Mary Queen of Scots got her head chopped off
for having locks like that.
So instead we started publishing confessional essays,
Like "50 Ways to Hate Myself",
or "Why Do I Keep Finding Things Inside My Vagina?"
Why do you keep finding things in your vagina, Helen?
She's a shoplifter.
Here's a Gucci purse.
Have you ever had like a normal job?
No, but it's on my bucket list.
-And that's a f****** big bucket. -Yeah it is!
It's a chum bucket.
I used to work in a fabric shop.
What about you? Have you had a normal job?
So I got a job on a bar,
but then I saw these ladies of the night.
-Cross dressers. -Drag queens.
-Cross dressers -Not prostitutes.
-No! -What?
-Cross dressers. -Cross dressers, yes.
The night life really slowly took over
to the point where I wasn't turning in on time for work.
I used to do these kind of all-nighters
where you'd do drag,
go round to someone else's house for a bit
between the club and first train.
I said "I'm going to go to sleep, I'm going to have a nap."
And I woke up hot-boxed out of my nut in Edinburgh,
and then I had to sell ribbon to 70-year-old ladies
for the rest of the day!
"I'll have two metres of that." "OK."
"Take the roll and just f*** off."
What's happened?
AirPod came out.
To anyone watching, we are wearing Airpods today
because Netflix are that f****** tight
they couldn't afford a fucking sound man,
so it's a good job I had these in my bag
otherwise we'd be watching sweet f*** all.
Yeah!
Kim told me about you getting hit by a car
and, as a fellow victim, I'd like to offer my condolences.
So they don't realise he's...
-...you know, got this disability. -Yeah.
Do you not think she looks like Miss Hoolie from Balamory?
Wow.
There are a lot of arseholes on here.
That's kind of the point in Grindr, isn't it?
To be a lot of arseholes on there.
What absolutely HD nudes are they?
Can you send voice notes on Grindr?
Yes! Oh my gosh, new!
So someone in Scotland--
Well then that's you f****** f***** isn't it?
In Glasgow.
Nice big chode.
-But-- -Chode!
I've not heard that for years!
Have you ever had where like a guy would start talking to you
and then they'd be like, "Hey, gorgeous,"
and that could apply to you in drag or out of drag?
If someone had messaged you that you knew off the scene
or they'd seen you DJing the night before and they were like,"Oh, hi,"
and you'd think, "Oh, they like me."
But no, they were just asking where you were performing next,
so you think "F****** message me on Facebook for that, you n**-h***!
I'm sat here w****** myself silly
and you're telling me you like me new f****** wig!
F*** off!"
I know that's fake because you with a new wig...
Listen, it's a good job that outfits wipe-clean
because you're about to get f****** swilled.
Yes!
That looks like my worse nightmare already.
I mean, it looks like heaven, but I wouldn't fit in.
I'd be sat over in the corner in a f****** housecoat,
a knitted jumper a pair of trackies, and a tent.
I'd be there as the tent.
Sorry, I thought she'd be like 10% more chilled.
She's got cracking t*** though.
-It's like a shelf. -Isn't it?
That's the size of my a*******.
Trust a f****** homo
to be hula-hooping at the side of the pool.
Does anyone really with water pistols, Viv, go...
Ryan, trust me, I have been here before
and I know what you need to do.
Take of all your clothes
and tell me everything you love about your body.
I could do that dead quick.
Nothing.
All right.
This is really rude by the way.
I think he's gorgeous.
I would.
Don't think that's saying much but I would.
I love my feet, they always stay the same size.
Does anyone really love their feet?
Drags queen's feet.
Girl, if you're ever considering doing drag,
say goodbye to your feet.
They are like hobbit's feet dipped in f****** wax
that have been burned.
Shrivelled up!
Your toes look like quavers after.
You know like just...
Hey, you're shaking like a leaf.
Oh, here they are.
Oh, this is the lad he met on Grindr.
Better?
He'll be one of those walk in, f*** me, gaped, leave.
Come in, come in and leave.
Bless him, he must be so nervous.
Go on, nosh him off.
Gobble gobble.
-Interesting kisser. -Was that bad?
No, no, not bad, Just...
Just go slower this time.
Critiquing someone on their f****** kiss.
Can we just stop and try that again with a bit more of this?
Oh, who cares about that when you're in the mood of passion?
Lick his face.
You wanna go for a swim?
Oh, not that.
Meet the P that's going to take your V.
You wanna f****** think about getting yourself
your own bit of d***, love.
"Oh you're a virgin? Don't worry, leave it to me!
I'm going to take you out,
I'm going to find you the biggest c*** in town."
Just f*** off.
Do you notice straight people aren't obsessed with length?
So she'll be like, "Oh my God, the biggest c*** in town.
Here's Johnny and he's three inches. Wide."
Just leave him alone. He'll find his perfect penis in time.
Yeah.
Oh, this is a clip-on tie.
Don't take the p*** out of his clip-on tie,
he's f****** paying you.
Imagine you paid someone for sex and they started judging you
on your clip-on tie.
-"Well, that's a tenner off." -"You're at minus ten."
"By the way your bedsheets are f****** shocking,
let's go to mine instead."
-Get you out of these. -OK.
He deserved that.
Why don't we loosen you up?
This guy wants him...
He's going to be like whistling with his a*******.
Bet he's got a big f******, what's that called?
C***.
No, in them whities. What do you call them? Skids.
-Skid marks. -Oh no!
Is that what it's called? F*** water?
I use that to wash my hair.
Both of them are flaccid.
-How is this going to work? -Flaccid.
-Flaccid! -Flaccid!
There we go.
There you go.
What a selfish b******, not even eating him out first!
Do you know what I mean?
You've got to kind of give the hole a wee lick
like a Wall's ice cream, don't you?
You've got to kind of suck the flake out.
That's vile.
"Suck the flake out"?!
What was your first time like?
It was really really awkward
because I couldn't get my head round the tight hold-ness.
There's not much explanation for gay people...
-Oh God, no -...to have sex.
So I did think you just kind of like threw it up the alley way,
but you don't.
You've got to clean...
Oh my God, no. I didn't know about the cleaning.
I s*** on someone's bed.
I went into their washing basket,
picked it up in a pair of boxers
and just left it in the f****** basket.
-No. -Yeah.
And then that same person asked me...
This will never get aired.
Asked me if I could pretend to be a 14 year-old
and then got arrested for being a paedophile.
I mean...
What a full circle moment.
I don't know Lewis,
it looks like you might have a straight.
I definitely had a straight last night.
What gays do you know that sit round playing Poker?
Maybe stolen stuff.
-Yeah! -Stolen cards.
-Preparing for Drag Race. -Back-combing wigs.
I'm glad he's got a little friend circle going though.
He's just so innocent, isn't he? Even though he's been bummed.
Yeah, he showed me his gun and then he shot his load.
If the average straight man could be in a room full of us gays.
The things we talk about, they just must think...
I always forget that being gay isn't the norm.
100%, yeah.
I'll just be like walking to McDonald's...
Or like, "I need a new bra."
"Oh, is for your girlfriend?"
And I'm there with eyebrows up to my forehead
like, "No, this is for me."
I'm full on Primark bras, me girl.
-Really? -Oh yeah.
You can't beat a good Primark bra.
As long as it fits and it's cheap I couldn't give a f***.
That's it. That's right, everyone. Vivienne says all drag is valid.
All bras are valid, apart from the ones from H&M.
Yep.
I'm kinda hungry.
Yeah, for some c***!
That was the wrong answer.
-Hey, babe. -Hey, babe.
Have you ever been in that situation?
A guy you're interested in romantically
and then another guy comes in and they're all their attention.
Oh God yeah.
"What am I, chop f****** liver?"
It just makes you second guess yourself, doesn't it?
I'm so self-conscious about myself.
People that like look in the mirror and their like...
I couldn't cope.
Because I hate myself on a daily basis,
but the good thing about that
is it kind of grounds you a wee bit, doesn't it?
I mean it's different. When I'm in drag I look at myself and go...
"F****** hell.
I'm f****** fabulous."
"I hate myself slightly less."
Ryan, look what I got for you.
Oh my God, Viv!
What the f***'s that?
Viv, it's a cake of the car that ran him over.
That's one of them cakes you know you see online.
What you order online versus what comes.
Yeah.
Fancy getting a cake of somebody
depicting the most traumatic time of your life.
"Remember that time your plane crashed and you nearly died?
Well, I've put it on a cake.
Just so you can relive it all over again."
At least have one of him getting bummed for the first time,
or something like that.
Oh go on, speak your truth.
I'm going to cry, it's like coming out all over again.
I have...
cerebral palsy.
That's ballsy. That's cerebral ballsy.
I'm going to offer you a job.
Do you know who I think she looks like?
She looks like Veronica Green.
Riddled with Covid?
You had one job to do, Ryan. One job.
Just to pick up the cake I wanted.
That's me. That is f****** me.
Terrible news. Eating cake.
Phil dumped me.
He said he didn't want to be in a relationship
with someone else's a******* kid.
I'd like to see how you function in this world
without an on-call maid.
I'd love to see how well you function.
Shots fired.
I don't blame you.
I didn't mean that.
Yes.
You did.
Mic drop, leave the room.
Let her sit on that for ten minutes.
He's going to go and get bummed rigid now, isn't he?
There had better be like a mid-credit sequence
of him just getting pumped in that street.
-Behind a bush. -Yeah!
Oh my f****** AirPod just fell out again.
I'm loving that fact that we are exploring...
disabilities in the gay dating world.
I think it needs to be talked about more.
You know, this is terribly informative,
but it's also entertaining and it's also got pokey pokey bum sex.
So it is a win-win.
Pokey pokey...
-Bum sex. -...bum sex.
That's in the Encyclopedia Britannica.
Special.
-Yeah. -I enjoyed it very much.
-Cheers, thanks a lot. -Cheers, thanks a lot sweetie.
So make sure you go and check out Season 2.
We’ve been Queens...
...Who Like to Watch.
How do you say it?
A'right? Och aye!
Och aye the noo!
You're like an honorary Scot now.
Aye.
-Because of that. -Aye!
-Aye! -You're very good at the voice.
-Scottish? -Yeah. Americans? Nah.