OUR NEXT GUEST IS A BRILLIANT
STAND-UP COMEDIAN WHOSE BRAND
NEW BOOK "GIRL LOGIC" IS
AVAILABLE FOR PRE-ORDER NOW, AND
NEXT WEEK YOU CAN SEE HER
PERFORM LIVE AT THE NEW YORK
COMEDY FESTIVAL.
PLEASE WELCOME ILIZA SHLESINGER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
>> THANK YOU!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU!
ALL RIGHT, SO SOMETHING
INTERESTING THAT HAPPENED TO ME
RECENTLY, I GOT ENGAGED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU!
THAT IS A VERY NORMAL HUMAN
REACTION.
NORMALLY, WHEN YOU TELL PEOPLE
IN LOS ANGELES YOU GOT ENGAGED
THEY'RE, LIKE, GOOD FOR YOU...
ANYTHING, GOOD FOR YOU...
( LAUGHTER )
THAT ALWAYS BEGS THE NEXT
QUESTION, WHICH IS OBLIGATORY,
HOW DID YOU GUYS MEET?
NOBODY ACTUALLY CARES, RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER )
AND IT'S NEVER A DOPE STORY.
YOU'RE NEVER ASKED TO MEET, HOW
DID YOU MEET YOUR GIRL AND HE'S
LIKE, ALL RIGHT, SO, I WAS A
RAIDER OF THE LOST ARC, SHE WAS
THE BOULDER ROLLING AFTER ME,
FOUND A MUTUAL LOVE OF FLIPPING
HOUSES.
( LAUGHTER )
AND I CAN SAY THIS AS A WOMAN
WHO CHOSE TO BE SINGLE FOR A
VERY LONG TIME AS A FEMINIST, AS
A CHAMPION OF WOMEN, I GENUINELY
FEEL THAT WHEN WOMEN ASK ME HOW
DID YOU GUYS MEET, IT'S LESS
ABOUT A GENUINE PERSONAL INQUIRY
FOR ME AND IT'S MORE LIKE
THEY'RE DIGGING FOR CLUES, LIKE,
WHERE DID YOU FIND A SUITOR!
WE WISH TO KNOW!
YOU WALK INTO A TRADER JOES ON
SUNDAY BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN HOT
GIRLS GO GROCERY SHOPPING, I'M
BUYING FLOWERS FOR ME, RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER )
YOU WALK INTO TRADER JOES ON A
SUNDAY WITH A RING ON YOUR LEFT
HAND, WOMEN CAN FEEL THE
VIBRATIONS OF THAT RING AND THEY
COME OUT OF THE CRACKS IN THE
FLOOR IN FRESH YOGA PANTS AND
HIGHLIGHTED HAIR --
( SCREAMING BRCTS THERE ARE NO
SECRETS, I PROMISE YOU THIS.
IT'S NO SECRET TO MEETING A MAN.
I'M GOING TO BE 35 -- WHEN I GET
MARRIED, ALL RIGHT?
IF THERE'S A SECRET, I WOULD
HAVE USED IT, OKAY?
THERE'S NO SECT.
THERE'S NO MAGICAL SECRET.
I'M NEVER GOING TO BE, LIKE,
GATHER AROUND, LADIES!
OFF THE 405 LIES A TOE HOLD,
MUST GO TO IT!
( LAUGHTER )
ASK A GIRL HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR
GUY, WE WANT TO TELL YOU, WE GET
SO EXCITED.
WE WILL TELL YOU EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING.
WE WILL TAKE IT BACK INFO YOU
DON'T NEED.
SITTING DOWN?
CHAPTER ONE, IN THE SEVENTH
GRADE, I SHOWED AN APTITUDE FOR
THE CLARINET -- LIKE WE TAKE IT
BACK!
( LAUGHTER )
MEN ARE LESS VERBAL.
YOU ASK A GUY HOW DID YOU MEET
YOUR GIRL AND TYPICALLY THE
STORIES SOUND ABOUT THE SAME.
IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE, ALL RIGHT, SO
I WAS OUTER WITH MY BUDDIES, AND
YOU KNOW ME, I WASN'T LOOKING
FOR ANYBODY.
( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN I SAW HER.
AND THAT BECOMES PART OF OUR
NARRATIVE AS WOMEN FOR BETTER OR
WORSE, THE OBJECTIVE OF BEING
SEEN.
WE GO OUT HOPING THAT A MAN WILL
PICK US, SAVE US, RESCUE US,
THAT HE WILL SEE US.
IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A BAD
FEMINIST.
IT'S BIOLOGY.
YOU ALL GO OUT LOOKING FOR
SOMEONE.
YOU DRESS UP, PUT ON THE SPANKS,
YOU GO OUT LIKE A STARVING
COYOTE, PUT ON A LITTLE MEAT FOR
BAIT -- OVER HERE, BOYS!
SO THAT BEGS THE QUESTION THAT
ANY GOOD FEMINIST WOULD ASK,
LIKE, OKAY, WELL, WHY DO MEN
HAVE TO HIT ON US?
WHY CAN'T WE HIT ON MEN?
AND THE ANSWER IS, IT'S JUST NOT
OUR THING.
WOMEN ARE NOT GOOD WITH
REJECTION.
WITH REJECTION FROM FLIRTING,
WE'RE NOT GOOD WITH THAT.
WITH REJECTION WITH THINGS LIKE,
I DON'T KNOW, EQUAL WAGES,
GOVERNING OUR OWN BODIES, THAT
KIND OF IDEA, WE PUT UP WITH
THAT ALL THE TIME.
( APPLAUSE )
BUT MEN DEAL WITH REJECTION ON
THE REGULAR -- IT ROLLS OFF
THEIR BACK.
FOR MEN REJECTION IS A -- DATING
IS A QUANTITY NOT A QUALITY
GAME.
HEY, SWEETHEART.
NO.
YOU'RE UGLY ANYWAY.
HEY, HOW ABOUT YOU?
BECAUSE HE'S PLAYING THE ODDS.
HE KNOWS IF HE HITS ON 20 WOMEN,
ONE OF THEM, AT THE BUZZER, WHEN
THE LIGHTS GO UP, HOW ABOUT YOU?
OKAY, BUT CAN WE WASH BEFORE WE
MAKE LOVE?
AND THE GUY IS LIKE, OKAY, TAKE
MY HAND, I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT MY
COMPANY HERBAL LIFE, MOSTLY
SUPPLEMENTS.
( LAUGHTER )
WOMEN DON'T WORK THROUGH
REJECTION, WE HOLD ON TO IT.
EVERY WOMAN HAS DONE THIS.
WE PLUCK THAT REJECTION FROM OUR
PAST AND WE HOLD O ON TO IT SO
TIGHT IT BECOMES PART OF US AND
THEN WE GET TO USE THAT
REJECTION AS AN EXCUSE FOR WHY
WE ARE THE SPECIAL BRAND OF
WEIRD THAT ARE NOW.
HE BROKE UP WITH ME OVER
BREAKFAST SO NOW I DON'T DRINK
MILK AND I'M ANNOYING!
IT'S SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
( LAUGHTER )
WE TAKE EACH INSTANCE AND WE
HOLD ON TO ALL OF THEM, EACH
REJECTION IS ITS OWN THING AND
WE PLUCK IT OUT OF SPACE TIME,
LABEL IT ON A MASON JAR, PIN IT
AND PUT EACH ONE INTO OUR SACK
OF EMOTIONS.
HE BROKE UP WITH ME ON A PLANE
SO I PRETEND TO BE AFRAID OF
HEIGHTS FOR ATTENTION.
I CAN'T MEET YOUR BROTHER,
ALREADY SLEPT WITH HIM, WHOOPSIE
DAISY.
DON'T TOUCH MY THIGHS.
WE PUT THEM INTO THIS SAD SACK
OF EMOTION AND WHAT DO WE DO, WE
ALL DO IT, WE THROW IT OVER OUR
SHOULDER AND WE WHAT?
WE WALK IT INTO THE NEW
RELATIONSHIP!
AND THE BEST PART, IS TRICK OR
TREAT, THE NEW BOYFRIEND HAS NO
IDEA!
( LAUGHTER )
NO IDEA!
AND HE'S LIKE, OMIGOD, SHE SEEMS
SO COOL AND WELL ADJUSTED!
AND I'M, LIKE, I AM, THIS SEEMS
A NICE PLACE FOR ME TO -- UNPACK
MY CRAP!
( LAUGHTER )
THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> James: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, ILIZA SCHLESINGER,
EVERYBODY!
THE BOOK IS "GIRL LOGIC,"
AVAILABLE FOR PRE-ORDER NOW!