You're about winning a custody battle.
There are 4 things that you must do.
But their not what would expect.
Stick with me.
I'll make strong case for you.
As a professional psychologist, part of my career has been committed to doing child custody
evaluations for the court.
I did that for about 13 years before I switched over to positive psychology and start hanging
out with you here on YouTube.
Here's what I learned: As a professional evaluator for the court, there are 2 worlds that are
created for a child.
This graph will help you to see what I'm talking about.
Before parents separate, the child''s world is just one big whole.
Like if they were just one circle here.
When mom and dad separate for whatever reason, that world splits.
And now we have mom's world and dad's world.
And they are very different, aren't they?
Of course they are.
Where do the kids belong?
Right there in the middle.
Now, actually the kids world is larger than either mom's world or dad's world because
the kids world includes mom's world.
And the kids world includes dad's world.
Keep this image in mind for a moment because the research shows very very clearly that
the number 1 factor that creates negative outcomes for children in divorce is conflict.
Specifically conflict between the parents about the kids.
Remember the kids are right here in the middle.
So, if we've got 2 separate factions that are fighting each other, shooting shots at
each other, it's not safe to be right here in the middle.
You have to understand where the kids are coming from because that's what's most important
to the judge or to the evaluator.
As a professional evaluator, I had to try to figure out what's going to be best for
the kids.
Now, I want to find a good resolution for the parents too because if life is better
for both parents, then it's going to be better for the kids.
But the focus is on those children.
So, I'm looking for primarily what is the source of conflict.
And both sides are really good and blaming each other for that conflict.
If you come into this custody evaluation with a mindset of adversarial --"I've got to win
this fight", we've already got a problem.
So, we have to take that word weaning out for just a minute unless we apply it specifically
to the children.
That's who we want to win.
I hope as I share these 4 main point with you, part of you is going to go, "Well, duh!
I already knew that."
And part of you will think.
"Wait, this isn't what my attorney is telling me."
I am not an attorney.
Please do not look at this video as legal advise.
It's not.
I'm giving you relationship advise because I know that a custody battle can hurt children.
And I don't want this to happen to your kids.
So, there's 4 things that we need to do, In order to win, meaning, win for the children.
Number 1, be authentic.
Be real.
Honestly, as an evaluator, I went into may of those evaluations.
expecting (and I was never disappointed) the people are going to put on their best face.
And when I visited the home, there was simmering on the stove.
And bread baking in the oven.
It was the picture of perfection.
It was The pinterest moment.
And I knew that it was fake.
And I'm not saying that you're fake.
But if you show up that way, it raises flags.
For the evaluator, for the judge.
I went in the homes where I thought, "This can't be real.
This is not sustainable."
There was state of...
Sometimes a call in unnatural tension.
Where it felt like everything was going to fall back to where it was.
As soon as I left the home.
I want you to be authentic.
I want you to be yourself.
Because you are a benevolent, generous, loving parent.
Be that person.
You don't have to show up as this bitter, angry person who's fighting with the child's
other parent.
From an evaluator's standpoint, that's not a good thing.
I don't want anybody endangering this child or this child's world which includes the other
parent.
I know that's not the typical advise that you would get from an attorney in an adversarial
situation.
I'm giving you relationship advise.
Be authentic.
Be real.
I know this is going to fly in face of some conventional wisdom too because you're embroiled
in this battle, this fight, right?
Remember who's in the middle.
You've got to be nice.
And the other party may or may not be.
In fact, there's a high likelihood that there's going to be some meanness going on.
That there's going to be some bitterness and anger happening.
Just make sure that's not coming from you.
You be nice.
When I said, be authentic earlier, you got to tell the truth, right?
You also want to show up as the kind, benevolent, individual and human being that you actually
are.
Remember as an evaluator, if I'm evaluating this case, I want to see who you really are.
That's why being authentic is so important.
Well, are you a nice person too?
You know what?
When you squeeze a tomato, what do you get?
Tomato juice, right?
Wait, you don't get orange juice from a tomato?
What about when you squeeze an orange, what do you get?
Tomato....
No.
Orange juice.
Oh, what a surprise!
You squeeze something, you see what's inside of if.
Custody evaluations squeeze people.
And what's leaking out of you if it looks like anger and bitterness and animosity, then
as an evaluator, I'm thinking, "Whoah!
What's inside of this person?"
And what happens when things get hard with the kids when you get that squeeze?
You got to be nice.
And that's a little counter-intuitive as well.
But it's so important to show who you really are.
Number 3, I already give you a heads-up to.
Be focused on the kids or the child.
If it's multiple for you.
Be focused on the kids.
This is who it's all about in the first place.
The judge knows that.
The evaluator knows that.
Your knowing that helps you to show up in a way that shows that you truly have this
child's interest at heart.
And it's about them.
So, when you're talking even to your attorney or to your friends, don't get into this bitter
angry battle kind of language.
Make sure that it stays focused on the child.
What you're children need, what they're desires are.
And we're not going to put the burden on them.
I never asked kids "Which parent do you want to live with?"
That's such an unfair question.
And it's kind of like asking "which arm do you want me to cut off?"
They don't want to make that choice.
That's way too much pressure for a kid.
We'd still need to be sensitive however to the other factors in their world and your
issues are not their issues.
Get that through your head.
Your issues are not their issues.
They've got a whole different take on this thing.
And the overwhelming majority of children that I evaluated love both of their parents.
And they don't always feel full permission to love their parents because of the bitter
angry battle.
You stay focused on the children.
Number 4.
And it kind of make me chuckle a little bit.
I've have to say this.
Be a good parent.
This is like a job application.
When families would come to me in a custody dispute and I'm evaluating them, I want to
know, "Are you a good parent?
Do you have the children's best interest at heart?
Are you authentic and genuine and truthful?
Are you nice and civil?
Can you interact with people?
Can you facilitate this child's relationship with the other parent?"
These are all the things I am looking for and that's why I wanted you to know these
4 steps.
On the last one, be a good parent.
We all struggle.
And this is a stressful time.
So, you're going to be under increased pressure.
And that's doesn't always help performance.
If you need some help with that, there are resources.
Reach out to those resources.
You've got to be a good parent because that is the job that you're applying for in the
first place.
Some of those tips might have surprised you.
But they are so powerful.
If you want to learn more about custody, click on the video "How to win child custody."
You'll get some of the same and some other ideas in that video.
And also, on the 4th step, be a good parent.
If you haven't checked out the Parenting Power-Up, click on that right now.
And let's meet up on the inside so I can give you some additional coaching and pointers
along those lines.
I'll see you there.