I'm one of those very uptight people.
Recently I got a massage for the first time in my life.
Ehh, didn't care for it.
Not a fan.
The masseuse had to stop no less than four times
to ask me, "Sir, are you sure everything's okay?"
"No, it's not! Get away from my feet!"
No tip.
Because I'm so uptight, I do a lot of drugs.
I smoke a lot of weed. That's my remedy.
- Audience: Whoo! - Thank you. Yes, I'm brave.
In that way, I'm brave.
And I don't have any plans to stop smoking weed,
but I do want to scale back a little bit.
So I do have a goal,
which is I wanna stop smoking weed
in a rush.
Do you know what I mean?
I wanna stop smoking weed when I'm running out the door
to go somewhere else.
I wanna cut down on the number of times
I'm alone in my apartment just going,
"Okay, keys, wallet, phone.
What am I-- what am I for--
Oh, my God. I almost left the apartment
without taking a huge, fat, milky bong rip.
What am I doing?" ( slurping )
"Oh, now I'm ready for Target! Good!"
Little tip. Don't do it before Target.
It makes Target impossible.
It's really tough.
Because I smoke weed, I watch a lot of really bad television.
That's one of the side effects.
And I recently discovered what I believe
to be the most racist show on television.
It's a show called "Ancient Aliens."
I don't know if there's some fans here,
but if you don't know it, "Ancient Aliens"
is a show on the "History" Channel.
A name that with each passing day
means less and less.
Just nothing at all at this point.
And on this show, they talk to "scientists."
And the scientists discuss the ruins of ancient civilizations,
like pyramids and stuff, and they explain how
they were probably left there by aliens.
And I think this is deeply racist,
because the entire math of this show
is just white people looking at the ruins
of ancient non-white civilizations
and going, ( scoffs ) "You think brown people made that?
No, no. No fucking way, no.
I have a much simpler explanation.
Aliens from outer space came down...
( laughter, applause )
Come on.
"You think the Incas mastered stonemasonry to that degree?
Absolutely not, no.
White aliens from outer space came..."
( laughter, applause )
Don't bring aliens into the racial debate, that's--
that's not what we need.
I'm learning what kind of people
I want to cut out of my life entirely.
You know, what kind of friends
I don't need to keep in touch with anymore.
Like, I went to college with a lot of business dudes.
- You know what I mean? Maybe you've-- - ( crowd hoots )
Ooh, no.
No.
This is not your night, my friend. No.
Buckle up for the rest of this. So...
I'm gonna lose a fan tonight!
Business dudes, if you don't know 'em,
they're guys who like wearing blazers and boat shoes,
shaking hands hard, and sending emails
with phrases like, "Let's circle back next week?"
( laughter, applause )
They're-- they're business dudes.
And recently I was catching up with one of these business dudes
for what I now know will be the last time.
And, uh...
we were getting a drink, and as we parted ways at the end of the night,
this is how he said good-bye to me.
He goes, "Good stuff tonight, Devin.
More to come!"
No!
Oh, no!
I couldn't match that. I don't have any of that in me.
I had to just give him my best version of that,
which is like, "Hey, man,
it's all downhill from here.
All right, take it easy."
"Hey. Hey, man, we started from the bottom?
Somehow we're even lower than the bottom. What's happening to us?"