Some of what we're trying to accomplish as parents can be summarized
in culture. What are the essential elements of a family culture?
We're going to share 5 crucial elements with you today.
-If you've watched much of our channel, this won't come as a surprise to you
that the first thing is you want to focus on love. Love has got to be kind of
the foundation of your family culture if you want it to
be a healthy one. -We could spend some time philosophizing about this because I
think that love is probably the answer to all of the world's problems.
That's a whole other conversation. When it comes to a family, this is the most
crucial element. Your job as a parent is to love them no matter what
and even if. This is the part, Vicki that you meant wouldn't be surprising.
-Right. Because we talk about all the time. -And there's a reason
for that. It's so easy to get distracted into thinking that our job is to make
sure that they this or make sure that they that. Anything that
you can finish that phrase with, "make sure that they ___" is going to run you
into trouble. As a family, as a culture, it creates a
dynamic that's not fun for the parents or for the kids.
So, let's start with that basic foundation of
love. Get clear about your job as a parent.
That's going to make the biggest difference (I promise.)
of anything we could share with you related to creating a healthy
family culture. Sometimes I feel like we're stating the obvious.
But you know what? Let's state it. Because sometimes common sense isn't so common
and the obvious things are unnoticed. Time and connection.
It matters. -I think that some of the most important things we can do as a parent
and as a family is sometimes just slowing down
our speed long enough that we can like be present,
look people in the eyes, take a little time. It doesn't have to be as much as
you might think. You might think, "I have no
extra time. I don't have time for that." It really doesn't need to be very long. But
if you can take time, just a little bit of time slow down
a minute and really make connection with your family members, it's
going to make a big difference for your family culture.
And part of this is sometimes doing kind of a group, maybe
a family time maybe a family home evening than
a time that you get to be together as a family to discuss
different activities or the way things are going the menu, the chores, whatever.
-You brought up something that's really important, Vicki and I want to
take that and expand it just a little bit. Because family home
evening, this is what you and I called it in our home. -Right.
-I don't care what you call it. It might be the family meeting, it might be family
fun time, it might be family council. I don't know. Pick a name. We call it
Jenkins junction now. -Right, yeah. -Because we're doing it a little
differently now that our kids have moved out of the home.
This is a regular time that you set aside
for the purpose of your family culture. And by regular, I mean at least weekly.
Let's start with that. Okay, pick a time every week that your family
can come together. For us, we did it on Monday evenings.
And everybody knew Monday night is family night.
They didn't schedule other activities. We're going to be together as a family.
-Meals are a great opportunity to get a little more family
time. So, even if it's just every Sunday dinner
is going to be our family time. -Vicki was really good at this and still is. In fact,
I came home yesterday and you're like, "Dinner time."
It's just the two of us but we're still a family and we get
together for our meals which gives us a chance to
connect and communicate. Think of how powerful this is. You know, I
saw some statistics recently, Vicki that were a little disturbing.
-Huh. -About the low percentage of families who actually do this who come
together for a meal time. -It doesn't even have to... You know, even if
you can't do it daily, at least on a somewhat regular basis, right? -This
is a gathering time. You've talked about being there at the
crossroads before. Can you comment about that? I think that's important. -O think
it's important. You know, I received some great counsel
when I was a young mom to be at the crossroads when your
kids are coming and going. As much as you can.
And everybody's circumstance is different but there's a time for
checking in. And so, if you can make that time for checking in, you'll kind of get
a feel if a child needs a little more or if they're doing all right. I think
that's when you can really kind of get that intuition of what needs to change.
So, let's just look for a way to get a regular
time and connection part into our life. our culture. This helps us to create
that culture that we're shooting for. -As we're creating this healthy family
culture, let's talk about 3 specific
ways that we can conceptualize this that i think
will capture it. -Right. -Values before valuables.
But still valuables. -Right. -Now, the values are the most important part.
So, you think about what's important to you.
Honesty, commitment. -And take some time to actually think
those through. Be very intentional about what are the values that are most
important to this family culture whatever makes up your family culture.
-You can memorialize this in different ways. We've
got some vinyl lettering on our wall at home. It
says, "Joy in the journey. Force for good.
Bless a life today." Because we intentionally came up with that as a
family as one of our themes or our values. The values are the important
part. I work with some families, Vicki where
they're working on "How are we going to
transition to the next generation?" And some of these families have
businesses or wealth that they need to pass on.
Well, those are valuables. The research shows if you pass on the valuables
without addressing the values... Like the work ethic and the honesty and the
integrity that goes into creating those valuables in the first place, that it it
actually damages family cultures. It creates more conflicts. So,
this is important at that level. It's important at any level within a
family to acknowledge what are the values.
And then the valuables are still important. -Yeah, they give us an
opportunity to talk about priorities and the way to
treat people and things and learn respect.
So, we don't want to do away with the valuables and we're great... -That's one of
our family rules too, is to respect property.
That's understanding the valuables. -Well the respect
is the value, property is the valuables. -Right. The next one is relationships
before rules. But still still rules. Right. So, we really
want to fork focus on the relationship. That is the
most important part. But we do need the rules in order to set
up the limits and the fences to really take care of
and nurture those relationships. Do you
remember what Ryan told us when he was a teenager?
Our oldest son came to us. I still remember this evening where he came in
and says, "Mom, dad. I just want to thank you,
guys." And we're like, "Oh, "Really?" -Like, "What?" -You're a teenager, what's going
on? And he's always been very appreciative. But do you remember what he
told us about the limit. -Yeah. He said,
"As I work with my friends and I see them a lot of their parents don't set up
really healthy rules and limits and i just see them
feeling really lost and and in some ways
uncared for from it." And it was really
interesting that somebody his age was bringing that to us.
-Yeah. It's such kind of a conundrum. A lot of times we think,
if we put in limits they're going to think that we're limiting him
and some kids will say these things as well. "You don't love me, you don't trust
me." But really if you can focus on the
relationship, the rules are there to help support
those relationships and take care of those
who you have such a strong relationship with. So,
we really want to focus on the relationship. Are there times you have to
set the rule aside because the relationship might be more
important? -Yes. -Be willing to look for those times. And
that... But remember, don't throw out the rules. If
you have the relationship, a parent-child
is really really important one for good
development and a good family culture. -I like what you said about rules are
there to support the relationship. -Right. -And it does tend to stabilize
and add a sense of security to kids to have those rules. You know, I grew up in
an agricultural area. -Right. -And I remember
when they would put cattle into a new field and there's a
fence around the field. Those cows would go around and push up
against the fence. -Every single fence. -Try to get it under
it and see if there's any holes. And if there's a hole in the fence...
-They're gone. -It's right through. And it doesn't care
if there's a canal or a highway over there.
It just wants to get through the fence, or does it> Because after they test the
fences if the fences hold, they're perfectly content to stay in the
field and graze and chew their cut and do whatever cows do.
Kids aren't cows, okay? -But in a way, they're very similar. And you
put up these rules and sometimes they'll bump
up against it. Well, they want to see if they're safe inside of it.
And when they test those rules and those limits that you've set,
and they hold then they're perfectly content to live within them. And like
our son did, they will feel a sense of being loved and protected
and secure inside of those rules. -Just don't expect it in the teenage years.
-That was probably an anomaly. But I thought it was a pretty good example.
Relationships before rules.... But still rules. -Right. I've got one more
to add to this. -Okay. -People before problems...
But still problems. -All right? Pontificate on this one.
-Well, it starts with a p. So, don't you start.
The people are the most important thing. You're going to encounter problems
in your family. What are those problems for?
Well they're to give you an opportunity as a family to handle problems?
Because welcome to earth, that's what we do here. But this can go outside of the
family, you're creating a family culture where we see
outside of our world, the people before the problems.
We live in this world in this time when problems are thrown into our faces
and oftentimes the people are completely overlooked and whited out that we
don't even see them for who they are, for people, for
individuals. So, if we can create this family culture of people
first before the problem. And then let's go
ahead and address the problem because there are problems. And we learn a great
deal about ourselves. And we can't avoid problems. You don't
have a great family culture if all you do is avoid problems. That
isn't a successful... -That's not a healthy... -No, it's not
healthiness. Not going to show children how to be responsible and
successful in the world. -Problems are given. It's going to happen, it's
inevitable. So, we're not going to ignore them. -Right.
-I think as long as we put the people first,
then the problems simply become the context in which the
people can be illuminated and they can be
empowered to take on the problems. Every inspiring story I know has
problems. And I know a lot of them. I've been
podcasting since 2007 and interviewing people about the
problems that they overcame. See, the problem is simply part of the story. An
important part of the story will put the people first
and that creates a healthy family culture.
Are you ready to take your family culture to the next level?
-We're ready to help. -Yeah, if you look in the description,
it'll tell you how to go to Live On Purpose Central. -Yes.
-It's go.liveonpurposecentral.com. We have so many resources there.
We would love to be a part of your team. If you don't have a family coach,
we'd love to be on your team. Come and join us at Live On Purpose Central.