- Hello and welcome to this month's Maggie moment.
Today, I wanna have a little chat about something we do
get asked about a lot,
and I know it frustrates parents enormously,
and also those who care for children.
So sometimes, it can be grandparents or someone like that.
What do we do when our children backchat us and are rude?
Doesn't that push your buttons?
Seriously?
Oh my goodness, and I know there's a traditional
older style that was like, oh they just need a good smack
and they won't do it then.
When actually we've got to look at what's under
that backchatting and what's under that being rude.
So one of the other things I have to report to you
is that it is a learned behaviour.
That's awful, isn't it?
So one of the things I found was that my boys,
when they first started at primary school,
came home with some of that and I had to really
recognise hang on a minute, they have learned that
and they've bought it home.
I don't need to punish them for this.
I need to re-teach them and guide them
around inappropriate use of these words.
So again, it's that first time it happens is your best time
to stop working on it.
And not in front of any other sibling or anything.
We might get up and say, look, I need you to come with me
for a moment and we're gonna have a quiet chat.
Because sometimes, it's a reaction and it's a response
from an irrational place.
Sometimes, it's happening because I have no other choices
in my life where I'm feeling really angry
about something else.
Sometimes, it's I actually wanna push my bounds
because I feel like I actually haven't got much choice
or autonomy or I don't feel important.
So sometimes, it's other stuff as well.
They've seen other kids who they think look cool
and they think they'll do it here.
So again, it's teaching and guiding our children
that it's actually not appropriate in our home
or towards grown ups.
We don't have to come down really hard.
It's we have to make sure we get in early
to reframe that, to talk differently.
So we've have the quiet chat,
so these are the words I don't want you to use again
and I really want you to be mindful of being rude to me.
And we leave it and after that,
if it comes out again, we might just look over again,
go over and give a little tickle on the back and say,
remember what I said about that sort of words
and that sort of language?
So the gentle reminders means they're not quite
so confrontational when we don't go into that
power struggle place.
Another one underneath that is
have I given them enough loving connection?
So remember, I wrote a lot about my micro connections.
I often find that they're feeling separated or disconnected,
their love cup's not full.
So essentially, I look at it sounds counterintuitive
to spend some time making them feel more secure and loved
and I've got a whole list of possible things that you can do
Some one on one time absolutely fills that cup
pretty quickly so again, it's that sort of thing.
And I'm gonna dig one little bit underneath about boys
when they do this.
When boys start speaking inappropriately and unkindly
and rudely to mum,
I really like that most significant male figure
in their life.
If it's dad or grandparent or some uncle,
take them aside quietly and say, you don't speak
to mum like that.
That's not okay.
In that quiet, really firm voice.
So that they've actually had a cool down.
But not in a way that makes them feel ashamed
because they've just made a lousy choice.
So I know it's one of the things that rolls us up
and then I want you to spend a few moments thinking,
am I really bossy?
Do I sometimes use this language?
Do I sometimes shout and be disrespectful as well?
Yeah.
If we do that, we go, I'm so sorry.
That just really isn't their language you wanna have
around at home.
So again, it's a very common parenting thing.
We're all gonna make mistakes at times.
That's the quiet and warm responsive coaching
of our children to know it's inappropriate and not okay.
I hope that's been helpful for you and if you've had
anything else that's worked that you might be able
to share with us, please put a comment
or something underneath this.
Remember to breathe.
And that's all for today.