- What does it mean to actually be strong?
What does it mean to be a superhero in your relationships?
(static crackling) I'm Jonathan Decker,
the Movie Therapist, (static crackling)
and I wanna talk with you about how to harness the power
of the Incredibles and vulnerability in your life
and in your relationships. (static crackling)
(upbeat jazzy music) (crowd cheering)
(static crackling) Now, I'm a big believer
that all of us want three things in our relationships:
safety, respect, and love.
And a lot of the things that we do
that are harmful in our relationships
are either misguided attempts
to get safety, respect, and love
or our reaction to and response to not feeling that way.
For example, when we lash out at another human being,
they feel attacked, but what we're really saying is,
"See me, love me, don't push me away."
When we are critical,
it's because we're trying to get someone to change something
so that we can be closer.
When we withdraw,
it's often because we want the other person to pursue
and say that they're sorry.
And yet, lashing out, criticizing, withdrawing
hurt our relationships and damage our ability to connect.
Oftentimes, when we want others to respect us, we lie.
We tell half-truths, we keep secrets,
because we feel if they knew the whole truth,
they wouldn't respect us as much and we would be ashamed.
In our efforts to feel safe,
we often change who we are
to adapt to the wants of the other person
so that they will want to be with us,
or we keep people at arm's length so that we can feel safe.
All of these behaviors display a lack of vulnerability,
because the fact is,
the only way to feel safe, respected,
and love in a relationship is to be vulnerable.
And a character who learns this the hard way
is Bob Parr, Mr. Incredible.
As you know, the story:
he was a superhero, fell in love with Elastigirl.
They get married,
but superhero work is outlawed
and they have to live quiet lives of anonymity,
and so they go to work, they raise a family,
and he longs for the glory days.
So he sneaks out at night with his buddy Frozone,
and they do acts of derring-do.
And he's just trying to scratch that itch
of doing good for other people,
but also feeling powerful and feeling strong.
And when his wife catches him,
he minimizes, he justifies...
Well, first he lies,
and then he minimizes once he can't lie, and he justifies,
and then he shifts the blame.
And all he really needed to say was,
"I miss it.
I miss feeling important.
I miss feeling great.
I miss the glory days."
And they could've had a conversation
and maybe found some solutions together.
But instead he fights her,
and he gets this offer to be Mr. Incredible again.
He's so easily manipulated because he wants this so bad.
And he goes to the island, and he fights the robots,
and he does all the things, and he's making money,
and for a while, things are good,
because he's making money, he's got the new cars,
he's getting in shape.
She thinks he just got a promotion at work
when he's actually been fired.
And the thing about lies that serve us
is they only serve us for so long.
The bill always comes due.
The truth always comes out.
And happiness built on a lie is not gonna last.
And that's inevitably what happens.
So he's at the island.
He's been captured.
She goes after him, right?
She gets blown out of the sky, saves the kids,
but he thinks that he lost his family,
and it just completely breaks him.
It wrecks him, it humbles him,
to the point where when he finally sees her and she's mad,
for the first time ever, instead of fighting back,
he says...
- You keep trying to pick a fight,
but I'm still just happy you're alive.
- So the family starts to unify, and Bob apologizes, right?
And an apology is a great thing.
If it's followed by changed behavior, even better.
And for a little moment here,
Bob is gonna slide back into old patterns.
We're gonna see what happens
as the giant robot is attacking the city
and what happens when Bob isn't vulnerable
and what happens when he is.
(people screaming) (robot thumping)
- Wait here and stay hidden.
I'm going in.
(heroic music) - While what?
I watch helplessly from the sidelines?
I don't think so.
- I'm asking you to wait with the kids.
- And I'm telling you, not a chance.
You're my husband.
I'm with you, for better or worse.
- I have to do this alone.
- What is this to you?
Play time? - No.
- So you can be Mr. Incredible again?
- No! - Then what?
What is it? - I'm not-
- Not what? - I'm, I'm not strong enough.
- Strong enough. And this will make you stronger?
- Yes. No!
- That's what this is?
Some sort of workout?
- I can't lose you again! (heroic music stops)
(heroic music swells) I can't. Not again.
I'm not st-strong enough.
(somber music)
(tender music)
- Pixar's making me cry again, guys.
- If we work together, you won't have to be.
- I don't know what will happen.
- Hey, we're superheroes.
What can happen?
(Violet screaming)
- When he leads with anger, he gets anger in return.
When he leads with aggression, he gets aggression.
When he is vulnerable...
And this is something that's hard for him to say.
You could see how he looks down at the ground.
He's ashamed.
"I'm not, I'm not strong enough."
Like there's something wrong with him,
that he's not strong enough to lose his wife again.
But you see the change in Helen's face.
This is so true for real relationships.
We think that we have to project that we're in charge,
that we know what we're doing,
that we can't fail, that we can't lose.
We think that we can't show weakness,
that we can't show that we don't understand something
or that we made a mistake.
And all that happens is we lose respect.
All this posturing and the half-truth telling
and all the things that we do and the blame shifting,
all the things that we do
so that others will still respect us,
will love us,
actually push them away.
They diminish connection, and they diminish respect.
It's so ironic to me,
because if you think of your life,
and you think of someone who owned a mistake,
took responsibility, and apologized,
and then got to work fixing it,
did you respect that person less
for owning an imperfection?
I've never had anyone say yes to that question.
We respect people more for their vulnerability,
for their humility, for saying, "I'm scared.
I'm hurt.
I'm lonely.
I'm worried.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm sad."
And yet, for some reason,
with us, we think we can't go there.
Now, it's true, there may be people in your life
who don't value vulnerability.
There may be people in your life who would mock you
or be awkward and weird if you were vulnerable with them.
And those people have some stuff to work out.
But the response isn't anger,
and the response isn't making excuses.
If you're vulnerable with somebody and it's weird for them,
or they mock you,
but you're vulnerable and then you're not ashamed
that you were vulnerable,
you're vulnerable and you're like,
"Yeah, I said what needed to be said.
This is what's going on with me."
You display tremendous strength.
And for a lot of people, that helps them wake up.
That vulnerability is a beautiful,
beautiful, powerful thing.
Mr. Incredible thought he was big and strong and brave,
and that was his whole maxim in life,
is to be big and strong and brave.
And yet, there is no strength in shifting blame.
There is no strength in justifying or minimizing.
There is no strength in telling lies.
Those are the actions of cowards
who want to be seen as strong.
People are who are actually strong?
It takes courage to say, "I was wrong."
It takes courage to say, "I'm sorry."
It's an act of tremendous bravery to say, "I'm scared."
That's what strong people do.
So, I'm Jonathan Decker, the Movie Therapist.
There's more of these where this came from.
Check out "'The Dark Knight Rises' and Fear:
How to Conquer Fear."
Link for that is below.
If you have experience being vulnerable
that brought you closer to other people,
or being vulnerable and it didn't go so well,
or you'd like to be vulnerable
but you're not quite sure how,
or you weren't vulnerable and it blew up in your face,
or you have questions or anything else, sound off below.
Our entire community of fans is here
to engage with one another,
and we will give you our two cents as well.
If you have any movies that you'd like
for me to cover in this Movie Therapist segment,
please sound off in the comments below as well.
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Until next time, I'm Jonathan Decker,
the Movie Therapist with Mended Light, signing off.
(upbeat brassy music) (crowd cheering)