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Okay, real quick for those of you that don't know
I work at a car dealership
And part of my job is to shuttle people around while they're getting their car fixed
Some people are nice
Some people are fuckin' assholes
And some people are totally fuckin' crazy!
The lady I took home today is one of the latter
She's a regular fruitloop that comes around the dealership all the time
And the last time I took her home
She basically began to weep openly to me about her divorce
What are you supposed to do in a situation like that? I don't know
"I'm sorry about your divorce there, lady, uhm.."
"Divorces are stupid!"
I don't know what the fuck to say
So she comes in today, and my boss is like: "Just shuttle her around.."
".. Do whatever she wants to do and don't bitch about it"
So she decides she wants to go downtown to go to her bank
And at first, everything is cool, we're in the van and she's stone cold quiet, which is kinda strange
But she's totally quiet for good 10-15 minutes
And then that damn Alex Clare's song comes on the radio that's like:
[Voice singing over the radio] "And it feels like I am just too close to love youuuu"
*Pom-pom-pom-pom-Pam-pam*
And this bitch just snaps out of it, she's just like:
"OOOHHH I LOVE THIS SONG!"
And just reaches over to the radio and cranks it up
And I mean she BLARES it!
All the little volume bars on the display are totally lit up
I almost peed my pants
I'm like, 'What the hell is this bitch doing?'
'This fuckin' windshield's gonna explode!'
So I'm trying to keep the blood from coming out of my ears
And I look over at her and she's just
Getting down. Just getting nasty!
So here we are, probably in the worst neighbourhood in the entire city
In a white soccer mom minivan
Getting down to some Alex Clare
The best part is that she leans over halfway through the song and she's like:
"Heeey, are you single?"
'UUUUUHHHH NNNNNOOOOO!'
I couldn't fuckin' say no fast enough
We finally get to the bank aaaand she goes in for about fifteen minutes
And then she comes directly back outside
But she doesn't get back in the van, she just stands in front of the bank
She pulls this wool hat over her face
So she can't see anything
And just stands there for, like, fifteen minutes
I took a video of it, because I was like: "This chick is crazy!"
So there she is, you know, just standing there
Just ignoring reality all around her
And right when I ended this video, unfortunately, she starts screaming
Just prayin' to God, she's like:
"Lord give me the strength to deliver these men from Evil!"
And I'm like, 'Holy shit, I gotta get out of here!'
So she gets back in the van and just starts bawling
And I'm like:
"Wellwlwllwmm.. I'm sorry about your bank there, miss.. lady.. uhh.."
"I lose my shit in front of banks all the time too!"
So she tells me to drive to the BMV
And she just sits quietly there to herself for the next 10 minutes
Which is great
But then right out of nowhere she's like:
"I need to eat."
"I need to eat to live."
Just.. I don't know where she starts yelling that
It just freaked the shit out of me, I almost jerked the car on the oncoming traffic
*Chuckles* I don't know what to say at that, and I'm like:
"I do too.. I need to eat to live as well."
So we stop at Steak and Shake
And she gets herself a nice fat burger!
And here's some more footage
That I managed to risk my life for to record her eating this damn burger
Some people would say she's eating it
I'd say she's molesting it
We get to the damn BMV and she gets out, she starts smoking a cigarette right outside their front door
And then, for whatever reason, she starts spitting everywhere
Just spitting on the windows
On the door
On the sidewalk
Just spitting.
*Sputtering*
And it's just disgusting as hell
Some customer walks out, he's like:
"OH! WHAT THE FUCK!"
She goes in there for an hour, comes back out and doesn't say a word again
Is just stone cold quiet
I'm like: 'Okay, maybe we can get through this'
But now, every, like, 15 seconds she starts to giggle
*Giggles*
I turn and ask her, I'm like: "What the hell is so funny?"
And she's like: "NOTHING, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!"
'Oh-hoh! Shit!' Well, that was terrifying
So I'm sitting there, trying not to poop my pants from sheer anxiety
And I start thinking: 'What am I gonna do if this bitch tries to attack me?'
Because I'm not gonna end up a damn lampshade in psycho lady's fuckin' house
The only thing I could think of is..
'I have to be crazier than she already is'
And I should just turn to her and be like:
"Hey lady! I can taste colors! Uhhmmmm!"
"Purple's my favourite!"
But thankfully, I didn't have to resort to that
We made it back to the dealership
We made it back to the dealership I dropped her off
And I'm currently undergoing a strict therapy regimen to get normal
So if you're in Ohio
And you see a 40-something year old lady
And you see a 40-something year old lady In a beige Mercury Montego
You better look the fuck out! Because she is loopy as hell!
And if she's hungry, you get her ass a burger
And if she fuckin' laughs, that's none of your goddamn business!
The end.
Oh, and I also wanted to just say that we gave her a loaner car to drive during the day
And she had it towed
Because she said she was downtown and she gave a homeless man $4
And he stole her keys and kicked the dent in the car
And now she can't drive it
Boooooi, if I had a nickel!..
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