Alright, do you remember when you were a kid,
and you'd camp in your own backyard like an idiot?
Well, I do, because I did it all the time!
But it wasn't in my backyard,
we would always camp out behind my next door neighbour Michael's house instead.
And one night in particular we pitched a tent in his backyard,
and we were all set to experience the wild wild wilderness
of a north-western Ohio neighborhood!
Now, this little camping trip sucked ass for a couple of reasons.
For one, the only thing Michael brought to eat was a goddamn box of croutons.
And for two, the only game that we had to play was the game 'Guess Who?'.
And playing 'Guess Who?' with Michael sucked ass,
because he'd always ask stupid questions all the time.
"Uhm, does your person look like my uncle Bob?"
"Michael, I never met your uncle Bob, how the hell should I know?"
"Oh, okay. Uhm... Is your person Jewish?"
So after a few hours of eating croutons
and me absolutely destroying Michael at 'Guess Who?'
we go to sleep.
But we don't sleep for long, because all of a sudden
something starts rummaging outside in Michael's backyard.
Now, us being dumbass vulnerable children,
we were a little apprehensive.
"Michael, go out there and see, if there's like a...
kidnapper out there trying to have their way with us."
"Why do I have to do it?"
"Because nobody's gonna be able to tolerate your ass long enough
to kidnap you in the first place, that's why!"
"Oh, okay, good point!"
So Michael goes out there to investigate,
meanwhile I'm in the tent, listening for sounds of Michael being murdered
in case I have to make a clean getaway.
All of a sudden, Michael leaps back into the tent and starts freaking out.
"There is a wolverine in our garbage can!"
"There is a... what?!"
"A GOD-
"A GOD-DAMN
"A GOD-DAMN WOLVE-
"A GOD-DAMN WOLVE-RINE!
"A GOD-DAMN WOLVE-RINE! And it's super pissed-off!"
"Michael, there is not a wolverine in your garbage can."
"Wolverines live in like, Alaska, or some shit!"
I stick my head out of the tent
to try to see what the hell Michael is babbling about.
But it's like 10 o'clock at night, and I can't see a damn thing.
"I got an idea, maybe if I make animal noises it will scare it off."
"KHRA!
"KHRA! - SHRA
"KHRA! - SHRALA
"KHRA! - SHRALALA
"KHRA! - SHRALALALA!"
"Michael, what the fuck kind of animal noise is that?!"
"It's a wolverine, that's what wolverine sounds like, isn't it?"
There's probably people walking down the street and shit.
"KHRA!
"KHRA! - SHRA
"KHRA! - SHRALA
"KHRA! - SHRALALA
"KHRA! - SHRALALALA!"
"Oh, what the hell was that? A wolverine?!"
"I thought those things were in like, Alaska or some shit."
So now we both decide to venture outside to see what's going on.
And I'm not gonna lie, part of me was like,
(Inner thoughts) "What is dumbass Michael is right?"
"What if somehow a wolverine pranced his ass all the way down from Alaska
just to murder us in our sleep?"
"Uh, maybe we should grab something to protect ourselves."
"You know, just in case."
So there we are, grabbing whatever we can find in Michael's backyard.
Michael's over there with a Wiffle ball bat.
I got a goddamn Undertaker action figure to defend myself.
We get closer to the garbage cans.
And we figure out that it is indeed not a wolverine,
it's a goddamn possum!
"Ama possum, blerp!"
"Oh, sick!"
"Michael, that's a goddamn possum, not a wolverine!"
So I Huck this Undertake action figure at it,
like it's a goddamn throwing knife.
It bounces off the garbage can, (THUD!)
and that really pisses the possum off!
So it starts flying at us, like a goddamn Ninja Turtle!
(RRRAWR!)
I dive my ass back in the tent, like I'm in a Jason Statham movie.
But Michael's ass decides to run into his house instead,
like the big wuss that he is.
So there I am, sitting in the tent with a goddamn crouton box,
"Surely, Michael is not gonna leave me out here
and let that possum have its way with me."
But that's exactly what Michael's ass did.
So 20 minutes go by, and I'm like,
"Ah, to hell with it!
I'm just gonna have to make a break for it to Michael's house."
I peek out of the tent, I'm all nervous and shit.
Hell, I don't even have the Undertaker with me for protection.
Now I'm armed with a fucking box of croutons of all things.
So there I am, running through Michael's backyard,
like it's the goddamn beaches of Normandy.
I go through Michael's backdoor and into his kitchen.
And I think I'm in the clear.
That is, until I realize
Michael's stepdad is in his underwear getting a beer out of the fridge.
"Oh, sick! He's wearing whitey tighties for Christ's sake!"
"What the hell are you looking at?!"
"And what the hell are you doing with our box of croutons?!"
"What are we, feeding the whole goddamn neighborhood?"
So after being threatened by a possum,
and seeing a grown man in his underwear,
I decide that I've had enough for the night
and I take my ass home.
The next day I go up to Michael, like,
"Dude! Thanks for abandoning me in your backyard
with nothing to defend myself but a fucking box of bread!"
"Well, what did you want me to do?!"
"There was a goddamn wolverine in the garbage!"
"Michael, it was not a wolverine!"
"Yes it was! It was a wolverine and it was going,
"SHRA-
"SHRA-LA-
"SHRA-LA-LA-
"SHRA-LA-LA-LA-
"SHRA-LA-LA-LA-LA!"
"God damn it, Michael! For the last time, it was a possum, not a wolverine!"
"Wolverines live in Alaska!"
"And they sure as hell don't go, 'TRALALALA!'"
"Hey, have you guys seen a wolverine around here?"
"I swear, I keep hearing a fucking wolverine!"
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