(upbeat music)
(audience cheering)
- Hello, good evening and welcome to Live at the Apollo.
Welcome to the show, how are you, are you well?
(audience shouting)
Excellent, good work, it's lovely to be here.
It's a nice temperature in here isn't it?
It will get warmer as we go on.
I respond in quite a peculiar way to the heat, I think,
mostly sort of here.
(audience laughing)
Down there gets what I would call claggy.
What would you call it?
- [Audience Member] Moist.
- Moist, moist is a good one.
Did issue in Preston, a man shouted out,
no, no we call that ready.
(audience laughing)
And I had a lady say, what you've got there is LDF.
I said, what does LDF stand for?
She said long day fanny.
But what I do when it gets moist,
is I just do a little plie.
(audience laughing)
I'm not a massive ballet dancer,
but if it was a ballet dancer, I'd clearly be a massive one.
(audience laughing)
You only get a couple of seconds relief
'cause it mostly just slips back together.
I did a show in Edinburgh and a lady right at the back
shouted out, you need to use some talc.
Surely that just forms a paste.
(audience laughing)
But I've got a good relationship with my mam.
You know sometimes in comedy, you laugh at things
'cause it's familiar, 'cause it's a shared experience.
Sometimes you laugh because you're just glad you're not me.
I'll see if this has happened to anybody else.
Whenever I'm on the phone to my mam,
it always makes me need to poo.
(audience laughing)
Give us a woo if that's happened to you.
(audience cheering)
Few of you, see I've looked into it,
it's a closeness issue, it means that me
and those people who wooed, we love out mams
more than the rest of you lot love yours.
(audience laughing)
I love my mom so much it makes me shit.
Try getting that on a balloon for mother's day.
Thank God for Moonpig.
(audience laughing)
But I bought a house quite recently.
I wanted to buy a house cause I'd lived in flats
for 16 years and I really missed going upstairs to bed,
not through the kitchen, upstairs to bed.
But I was sitting only a few months later upstairs in bed,
quite smugly, just thinking this is the life, I've arrived.
I'm upstairs in bed and then I thought,
no, now I've gotta go downstairs for food.
(audience laughing)
Oh yeah, what I really wanted,
like my parents have both always lived
near a park and I'd always been able to see a tree
out of my bedroom window, so that became a priority.
When I was house hunting, I wanted to be able to see a tree
out of my bedroom window but it became very clear
that I'm not massively suited to country living,
and having lived in the city centre for so long.
I drove along the lovely country lane, lovely country lane
and I saw a white Marquis tent.
And instead of thinking, somebody's having
a lovely summer party, I just thought,
oh, someone's been murdered.
(audience laughing)
But I found a house that I liked and I got a survey done.
The survey came back and it meant nothing to me at all.
But luckily I've got a friend who's a builder.
And he said, let me have a look.
And then I put it into layman's terms.
I said smashing, and give us a cheer
if you own your own home.
(audience cheering)
Give us a cheer if you rent.
See up until this point, I'd only ever rented.
And I think there are phrases that mean nothing
to those of us who rent, that the rest of you understand.
'Cause my friend the builder said,
there is one thing you will need.
I said, oh yeah, what's that?
He said you'll need a damp proof course.
And it genuinely said, I haven't got time to go to college.
(audience laughing)
But one of the things the house that I bought
did have is a log burner.
I've never had a log burner before.
I got quite excited by the log burner.
Not as excited as my fella did.
He went, oh my God, we'd be able to get a toasting fork
we'll be able to toast things.
And I thought he does know I've got a toaster, doesn't he?
When he went off to work.
I went straight out and bought a toasting fork,
I was too excited, I came back in with it,
I grabbed a loaf of bread and I thought,
I'm just gonna sit in front
and work my way through, bloody love toast.
(audience laughing)
Couldn't get it to to work.
I rang him and I said, I can't get it to work.
He said, how can it not work,
it's fire and bread, how can it not work?
So I told him what I've been doing.
Turns out I should've had the little door open.
(audience laughing)
Lying slices of bread on top of my radiator.
But when I moved to had bits and bobs of furniture,
not much, but it had some stuff
and I was trying to work out what would best go where,
and I said to me fellow, God, I wish I had a tape measure.
He said, what do you need a tape measure for?
I said to just wanna know if that unit
will fit in that alcove.
He said, well I'll sort that out for you.
I said, have you got a tape measure?
He said, no, no, it's just, I'm good at that sort of thing.
I said, what do you mean?
He said, it's just an instinct I've got.
And the first of all, I thought rubbish.
And then I thought, let's have a look.
And I thought, this is quite a manly thing to be able to do.
If he can do this, maybe we'll see what else slots where.
(audience laughing)
I says go on then, do it, and this is what he did,
it went exactly like this.
(audience laughing)
I said is that it, you could've at least got your cock out
and done six inches, six inches, six inches.
(audience laughing)
But you know when you first move into somewhere
that's new to you, you wanna make a few changes to it
so it feels a bit more like yours.
One of the things I really wanted,
like my parents are both disabled
and both getting on a bit in age
and something that I thought would be really useful
for when they stayed would be a grab rail in the shower.
So I thought, I won't really notice it
when I'm in the shower, but how useful
that'll be when they visit.
So I got to grab rail fitted in the shower.
And like a month later, I had a friend visit
and I was showing her round and I said, oh look,
I've had a grab rail fitted in the shower.
And she went like this, oh, saucy.
(audience laughing)
I said I don't know what you're talking about
but I'm trying to keep pensioners upright.
And I told my dad 'cause I thought he'd find it funny
and he went nah, nah, for that sort of business,
you need two of them.
(audience laughing)
But I've got two cats, have I got cat owners in?
(audience cheering)
I've got two cats, I don't know if you've ever tried
to litter train a cat, it's normally quite straightforward.
Whenever they look like they're about to do something,
you pick them up, you plonk them in the litter tray,
you hope for the best.
But our first cat, Chief Broadie,
named after the police chief in the film Jaws,
he didn't cotton on for a while.
Kept having little accidents, poor bugger.
And at one point, my fella and I were standing
over the litter tray, just looking at it
and looking at each other going, is there anything
we can be doing to help him that we're not already doing?
And my fella, 'cause he's so lovely,
he looked down to the litter tray and he went,
do you want me to do a shit in it to start him off?
(audience laughing)
No, no, I really don't, it would be end to end.
(audience groaning)
And the cat would be like, who the hell lives here, Aslan?
(audience laughing)
I was in a cafe a few months ago with a friend of mine.
She the sort of person who prefers savoury over sweet,
I don't really know why we're still friends
but she's nice enough.
She ordered a carrot cake and I was thinking
carrot cake is such an abomination of a cake.
It's got veg in it, shut up.
(audience laughing)
What you've got there is a rubbish pasty.
She ordered carrot cake,
I ordered a slice of strawberry cheesecake.
On top of her carrot cake was some icing
and then a sliver of something orange coloured
for decoration I suppose.
I said to here, is that a little bit of carrot?
Fair assumption, it being carrot cake.
She had a nibble of it, she said, no, it's not carrot,
I said, is it orange then?
She said, no, it's not orange.
So well I'm all out of orange colour things.
Unless it's the tail of a goldfish, I've got no idea.
She has another nibble of it
and she said, I think it's apricot.
I said, oh I can't have apricot?
She said, why not?
I said, I'm allergic to it.
And she went, oh, what happens to you?
(audience laughing)
And I went, oh, I get this shits.
She said, is it really bad?
I said, oh yeah, it was like
a chocolate fountain down there.
She said, was that just off one,
I said, no, no, I had a bag of them.
(audience laughing)
She said, how many was in the bag?
I said, I don't know, maybe 40
and it was only then that I realised,
I'm not allergic to apricots, I'm allergic to 40 apricots.
(audience laughing)
But I stopped buying women's magazines a few months ago.
Just feels like there's nothing in there for me,
nothing in there for me.
Why would I buy anything where the only time
I ever see anybody who looks a bit like me,
it's underneath the word, before.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
So, you know there's a huge list of all the things
that we as women are supposed to do it ourselves,
cleanse, tone and moisturise.
I've never, toned, I'm nearly 40.
I've never toned to my skin is still on my face,
so it's obviously rubbish.
(audience laughing)
But hair removal is a whole subject
all on its own, isn't it?
There's so many different ways,
especially as women, that we can remove our hair.
You can wax, you can shave,
you can pluck it, you can epilate.
My sister had laser treatment to her underarms,
laser treatment and it was quite painful
and quite expensive.
And after two months, the whole lot just grew back in,
which is terrible, but just go some way to explaining
why James Bond was always a nonchalant
when the laser was aimed at his cock and balls.
(audience laughing)
Champion man, grow back in a couple of months.
I just made James Bond a Geordie,
I can only apologise for that.
He so would never be a Geordie would he?
Shaken not stirred, no.
My friend said to me, you know why women
are supposed to have hair down there don't you?
And I said, is it like your nose?
So you don't get muck up it?
(audience laughing)
She said, no, she said, women are supposed to have hair
down there, so that nature
knows where your reproductive bits are.
I said, why does nature need to know?
Surely as long as my fella's got a rough idea.
(audience laughing)
Why do all the deers and the rabbits need to know?
Well, maybe the rabbits.
But according to women's magazines,
there are only two options for hair down there for women,
the options are all off or most off.
Give us a cheer if you think all off is the way to go?
(audience cheering)
Give us a cheer if you think most off is the way to go?
There's still quite a lot of your left isn't there.
(audience laughing)
I can only assume that the rest of you are like me,
I just try to keep it in my pants.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
Even if sometimes that involves tucking it in.
In the legs, not in the top.
My fella and I were both going out to work a few weeks ago
at the same time, both fully dressed,
just getting last minute bits and bobs together.
And he was sitting at the kitchen table
putting his shoes on and I don't know why,
but as I walked past him,
I did a boob jiggle in his face.
I don't know why, just one of those like that.
I don't know why he was at the right height,
it felt like a wasted opportunity if I didn't do it.
And I thought he'd do that thing, you know,
when they go like that.
(shouting)
In-between, it's got a special name,
does anybody know the name?
Motorboating, thank you,
'cause I always accidentally call it waterboarding.
(audience laughing)
It's only waterboarding if they're really sweaty.
That's what I thought he'd do, I thought he'd do that.
(motorboat noise)
He didn't, you know what he did,
he just stood up and did a boob jiggle back.
(audience laughing)
Now it's a think that we do
and I don't know how to stop it.
But we've lived together for about a year and a half now.
And when I lived on my own, I really loved it,
don't get me wrong,
but one of the things I love about living
with somebody else again,
is I like the unpredictability of it,
I like that every now and again, a sentence will come out
that I would never have said.
The most recent one, out of nowhere,
he just went, 'your shed's no good to have a wank in.'
(audience laughing)
And I said, 'that's because it's a greenhouse love.'
But I'm getting on a bit, I'm nearly 40,
it doesn't worry me, I'm not worried
at all about getting older.
I know that there are problems along the way.
I know that it's not gonna be easy.
One of my friends, one of my good friends is 62.
And she said to me, there's something you need to tell you.
I said, oh, that sounds really serious, is it serious?
She said well, I just don't want it to come
as much of a surprise to you as it did to me.
I said okay, well you better tell me what it is then.
She said, when you get to my age,
down there, instead of it being a lovely,
healthy, pink colour, I could've walked away
right then and there.
(audience laughing)
Instead of it being a lovely, healthy pink colour,
it's more of a slate grey.
It's the detail that I love.
She didn't say grey, she said slate grey.
Like she had the Dulux colour chart out.
Here Terry, help us with this,
would you say that was thunder or slate?
(audience laughing)
I was so horrified by what I just learnt,
that I blurted out, you mean like when meat's on the turn?
Does that smell alright to you?
Be a few handbag mirrors coming out tonight
on the way home I reckon.
(audience laughing)
I've been with my fella now for nearly 10 years,
but you know when you first get together
with somebody, the first six months,
especially if you have an inkling
it might be a long term thing,
and there was first six months together
are just glorious aren't they
and you think each other are perfect.
And then after six months you think,
well, perfect's pushing it a bit.
(audience laughing)
There's a couple of things I could do with changing.
Then you've got a project, isn't it lovely having a project.
(audience laughing)
There's only one thing I'd like to change about my fella.
I need to tell you this first, I love waving,
I don't know why, I've always loved waving.
I love it when I wave and I love it
when people wave back to me.
I'm gonna wave to you now
and see how many of you wave back.
Oh loads of you, thank you very much.
It makes me really happy
and it's one of the main reasons I learned to drive.
(audience laughing)
My fella doesn't wave,
doesn't occur to him in the slightest.
When we first got together,
he dropped me off at the train station one day
and I got out of the car and I said, I'll see you on Monday.
He said, yeah, but I'll give you a ring
when I get in tonight, I said, smashing.
And then I just checked that I was at the right entrance
for the train station for my particular platform
and I turned to give them a little wave of goodbye,
and the car was already in the distance.
(audience laughing)
A few years later, I was going to Australia
for the first time, I was travelling alone.
I was gonna be away for six weeks.
I was very nervous, understandably.
He dropped me off at the airport.
He helped me out of the boot,
with my case sorry, that's bad,
with my case, with my case.
And I said I'm gonna miss you.
And he said, I'm gonna miss you too.
But he said, you're gonna have an amazing time,
we can Skype whenever you like
and I'll come and get you in six weeks
on this very spot, melt.
And I checked my hand bag to make sure I had my passport
and my ticket, and then I turned
to give them a little wave goodbye
and I could not see the car,
he was already on the motorway.
So I said to him only a few weeks ago,
you know the waving thing, he said, oh,
did I forget to do it again, I'm sorry.
I said, don't worry about it.
But I said, you know how much I love it?
He said, yes, I know how much you love to wave.
I was just wondering if there was
like a bargaining thing we could do.
He said, I didn't know what you mean.
I said, well for example, is there anything you don't do
that you'd like me to start doing?
(audience laughing)
Turns out I'm not as bothered about waving as I thought.
(audience clapping)
Hello, it's Sarah Millican here.
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