Parents, so many times we start at the wrong end of things.
My friend Steve Covey, the late Steve Covey, said Start with the end in mind.
Kids learn early in life that they can get attention,
but they get negative attention. Again, all kids are attention getters.
And as kids get discouraged, they become more powerful.
Their mantra in life is, “I want to count
when I win, when I control, when I dominate.”
So it's not unusual for a kid to get good at throwing temper tantrums
and I’m always reminding parents when a kid throws a temper tantrum,
a young kid, four-year-old, step over the child .
I know there's a temptation to step on the child.
Just not a real good idea. Don't do that.
So trying to buy a kid off, sometimes we placate a kid.
We tell them, no.
And then the kid is obnoxious enough, misbehaves
enough that we cave and we give in.
Well, that makes me ask the question, “Wait a minute, who's training who?”
You know, we're told to train up a child in a way you should go.
And when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Well, I got news for you.
Most parents don't train up children and they train down children.
They talk down to them.
That young mom going into a Safeway,
she's a veteran.
She's got an eleven year old and a nine year old.
What does she say eleven year old nine year old? “All right, listen up.
I'm just kind of go in here and get a few things
your dad's going to be home in a while. We've got to make dinner.
Don't ask for anything because the answer is no, and stay with me.
I don't want you running all over the store. You got that?”
Mom grabs a cart.
The kids immediately flee to aisles 8A and B
where the candy treats are located.
And there she is, back at the checkout counter.
She's trying to hear the prices.
She's got her visa card in hand and all of a sudden on the conveyor belt.
There they are. Plain and peanut M&Ms.
And now they've lied. They disobeyed.
You're about to let them have it.
You look up in the line and there's your pastor in the very next line.
“Oh, hi, pastor. Well, good to see you too. All right. Yeah, we'll see you Sunday.
Say hi to Marge for us. Yes, OK.
Alright!
But then there's no more candy for life. Do you understand me?
No more candy for life!”
So many times as parents, we just sort of roughshod over kids
then we back off because it's socially embarrassing to us.
And of course, other
than trying to pacify a kid, which is basically paying them off
the parents who want to do battle with the kids.
Now, I’ve reared five kids.
I've written 66 books.
OK, so there's some credence to what I'm about to tell you.
If you do battle and you get in a power struggle
with your son or daughter, you're going to lose.
Yes, people are going to look at your kid and say, “What's with that kid?”
But they're going to look a little deeper
and they're going to be thinking, “What's wrong with that parent?”
So let me give you some things to think about.
Number one, kids are going to say things off the wall.
They're going to throw things out there just to push your buttons.
So don't react. Learn to respond.
Ladies, let me ask you a question.
Is your husband capable of saying really stupid, dumb things?
I'm here to tell you he is. He's like me.
We're good at that.
Next time your husband says something really weird off the wall
maybe downright dumb as mud
say this, “Wow, wow. Fascinating.”
You can be thinking, ladies, whatever you want.
Just don't say it.
The same thing is true of our kids.
They’ll throw things out there.
You don't have to instantly correct them and tell them how wrong they are.
You can say, “Wow, interesting.
Tell me more about that.”
One of my tips for parents in this book, “8 Secrets
to Raising Successful Kids” is this. Don't ask questions.
So what I'm telling you is that when you have these
senseless conversations with your kids, they come home from school.
“How was your day today at school, honey?” “Fine.”
“What did you do at school today?” “Nothing.” Teenager. “Where you been?” “Out.”
“What’d you do?” “Nothing.”
Save your breath. If you want your kid to talk to you
when they say something, that sparked some interest
just say, “Tell me more about that.”
Or again, ask for his opinion.
Most kids come home and you give them that grilling.
The first thing they do
is run to their bedroom, lock their door, get on their cell phone
and text their buddy like a woodpecker
that's got a bad case of ADHD.
They literally shut you out of your life.
You want to be in the kid's life.
You have to get behind their eyes and see how they see life.
Speaking of that, as husband and wife, if you want a firm foundation
for your kids to flourish in, you make sure you get behind each
other's eyes and see how you see life. You know when the two of you
married, it was at least six people who got married.
You say, “Well, where are you getting the six from, Leman?”
Well, you marry your in-laws.
You either reap the benefit or you pay for what baggage they brought.
So sometimes as parents, it's a good idea just to sort of step back,
have little heart to heart about how we interact with these kids.
They need you to come alongside of them.
They need vitamin E, which is encouragement.
So rules. So many Christian parents are rule oriented.
Remember this: Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.
And by the way, most of you grew up in authoritarian homes.
OK, I'm here to tell you that Almighty God, the God
we worship, Jesus in the person of himself when he came to this earth,
he wasn’t authoritarian.
He is a supreme what?
Authority. So that's where you want to be as a parent.
In fact, His holy scripture says, “Every knee shall bow.”
So we're not talking about a mamby parent, laissez faire god here.
We're talking about a decisive God, a god of action.
You know, rather than talk about and think about and wish
for kids to behave themselves in this area and that area,
how about some time spent on who they really are? You
should be the person you want your son or daughter to be.
Your kids are always taking emotional notes,
spiritual notes on how you conduct your life.
You pay attention to that and those attributes, those characteristics you want
of real character in your kid's life are going to come to the forefront.
Again, rules are not the answer.
Coming alongside of those kids makes all the difference in the world.
Show kids genuine interest in what they do and treat your kids differently.
I wrote the birth order book, which many trees died for, by the way, in its honor.
But I talk about firstborn children, second born children.
In your family, I'm here to tell you your first two kids are night and day different.
One turned left. One turned right.
One’s more outgoing, one’s more reserved.
One’s a voracious reader of books, one would much rather read people than read books.
Your job is you're almost like a mini shrink.
You got to sort of figure out,
you know, how do you handle different personalities?
So different bedtimes, different allowances
depending upon the age of your kids
makes all kinds of sense to me.
So you be the person you need to be
and make sure you create a grateful heart in your kid.